I Wake Everyday With The Pit Of Fear In My Stomach

[SoSadGuilty]

Ever since I can remember I've woken with the feeling that I've done something bad or the pit of fear in my stomach as I call it. In recent years it's gotten a lot better but boy is it back with a vengeance these days. This feeling has often been the trigger for me to mentally search for reasons why I feel afraid. Often I associate it with guilt, well if I feel like this I must have done something bad. This morning I'm trying so very hard not to go back to the same well worn known guilty memories and to allow myself some peace. However, there is always part of me saying that I don't deserve peace or happiness because I'm a bad person. Anxiety builds and I reach for the valium, another day yawns ahead

 

[kona355]

Ever since I can remember I've woken with the feeling that I've done something bad or the pit of fe...

May I offer something my T had me do that worked in helping to relieve some of the self-condemnation?

It was easy and gave relief pretty quick, maybe within a week or so (it's been 20 years since I practiced it, but the mental habit of it is still with me).

The technique helps with depression also, by reducing the self-hate.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

May I offer something my T had me do that worked in helping to relieve some of the self-condemnation?

I...

Yes please I'd appreciate that so much

 

[kona355]

@ssg - Your mind is a battlefield right now with competing thoughts at war. Trying to use logic to sort through all the thoughts, so you can determine which ones fit you and those that don't, end up creating foggy confusion. Instead of being bogged down in it all, try this:

You'll need a handheld-counter (Amazon has a selection of them at the link below). If you can't get one, the technique will work with pen and paper, the counter is just more convenient. Link Removed

You simply take note of every negative thought you have about/toward yourself and log it numerically. Don't write down or take note whatever the thoughts are, just count them and keep track of the total for each day.

This does 2 things: First, when you see how many negative thoughts/spoken words you have against yourself, you begin to realize the source of self-hate is coming for the most part from the negative thoughts. Your thoughts and words are powerful.

The second thing is that by counting you will have a measurable way to reduce those negative thoughts each day. When I first starting keeping count it was 80 - 90 negative thoughts or words against myself everyday. Those kinds of thoughts are powerful and induce/add to depression and anxiety.

The next thing to do is write down good things about yourself. Some of the replies you've received since joining this forum are a good source for you. Even a small list to keep in your pocket to look at frequently will help offset the negative thoughts. It does not matter if you don't believe the positive about yourself. Read them any way - think about them, say them out loud.

With time the positive power of truth will begin to flow into your mind and displace the negative as you reduce the negative thoughts about yourself.

One last thing here: Do you want evidence of your goodness? Here is one that comes to mind: The very fact you are so concerned about doing good is evidence the good in you is calling out to be heard. Listen to that voice...listen to the others on this site who have pointed out this very fact about your goodness. Displacing the negative is kind of like pouring clean clear water into a glass full of muddy water.

Pour enough clean in and the dirty is eventually gone. I know, this is how I survived suicidal depression, even though low level depression and anxiety are still present I live above them now instead of being submerged, suffocating.

I hope the link works.

 

[SoSadGuilty]

Thank you. I will try using the methods you suggest and let you know how I get on. I really hope that there is goodness within me and that I can start to lift out of this dark hole soon.

 

[RavenGirl]

Here is one that comes to mind: The very fact you are so concerned about doing good is evidence the good in you is calling out to be heard

I agree, bad people don't worry about doing good they only care about finding ways to do more bad without getting caught. I too believeThere is good in you. I started doing positive affirmations last July and at First they seemed silly and I thought it wouldn't make a difference. I was wrong; I'm so glad I do them as I found I do look at myself in a more loving positive light now. I hope they work as well for you. :tup::happy:

 

[SoSadGuilty]

I agree, bad people don't worry about doing good they only care about finding ways to do more bad with...

You see one of my compulsions is to Google, googling gives you all sorts of information and a lot of it is extremely scary. The bit that scares me is where you always read abusers are "pillars of the community" or "has a lovely family" or "seemed so normal". I try to be good but I can be mean and impatient and maybe not as good at listening to my children as I should be. To all intents and purposes "I'm normal". Sure people know I've had mental health problems but apart from that I appear average / normal. What I fear is that there is this dark uncontrollable side within me and that I'm inherently evil but clever at hiding it. I'm worried that despite all my confessions over the last 10 years the professionals are fooled and I've just being good at hiding it. I'm just plain scared and anxious right now.

 

[RavenGirl]

I try to be good but I can be mean and impatient and maybe not as good at listening to my children as I should b

I too have been there, we can't over analyze our every move. Humans make mistakes, the fact that you worry tells me you're ok. My narcissistic abuser of a brother never cared what he did to me, he never felt any guilt or remorse and he abused me for 5yrs off and on. That's a bad person. When our anxiety is high it makes us think the very worst about ourselves. Have you ever tried grounding meditation? It has worked wonders for me. I hope your anxiety can lessen so you can start to see the good in yourself. :tup:

 

[SoSadGuilty]

I too have been there, we can't over analyze our every move. Humans make mistakes, the fact that you...

I'm so sorry for your experience, I can't even begin to imagine what you have been through. I'm so tired of all this mental working stuff out. It is really wearying. I've tried acceptance / mindfulness in addition to ERP which helped for a long time before this relapse. I'm just at the point now where I think I need to explore the root cause of all of this and try to resolve it. I'm too anxious to practice mindfulness at the moment but I am trying to push myself to exercise to burn off some of the adrenaline. I hope to see my psychiatrist next week and maybe settle the meds a bit.