Undiagnosed I Want My Life Back

[Toadette]

I have been diagnosed with multiple things, I even considered I might be autistic as I just don't feel I function like other people. But I'm facing it now, that I probably have c-ptsd due to severe emotional abuse as a child.

I have worked alot to be better, mainly in how I treat others. I have been very distrustful and manipulative with people, especially other women. I have made progress with this but now I hit a wall with myself.

I have always been anxious. But it is becoming unbearable. I cringe at everything I do, and have developed vocal tics because of this. Nobody seems to understand the tics, my psych has no clue but she is overrun with patients and I try to understand that.

I can't talk to people without pulling myself apart after. I constantly torment myself in my own head and it becomes unbearable. I carry alot of shame.

I forgive my abuser, my mother, and I love her. We have a good relatonship now that I have moved out is likely why I have been so desperate to make out my problem is anything but ptsd due to her actions. We never talk about it. I doubt I ever could. My whole family pretends it never happened. The ones who know anyways, the rest still believe I was a difficult child my mam had to put up with.

I don't know what the next step forward is. I feel like my pain is very deep rooted. I worry I will never be okay. I will always be that little girl. I want to write about the things that happened to me but that still feels treacherous to my family. I really need to reach out into the ether here and see what reaches back. Please help me.

 

[Mim28]

I have been diagnosed with multiple things, I even considered I might be autistic as I just don't feel...

Thank you for trusting us with your experience. I understand the guilt of opening up, but you will find good listeners here and some sage advice from those who have been there. For me opening up is hard and has brought a lot of tears but I feel I have to do it now. Even if those relationships are repaired they still did damage and you need an outlet. I hope you find it here.

 

[Hope69]

I relate to the title of your thread. IT sounds as though you are taking the first steps towards getting your life back, even though its difficult. Like Mim says, there is some good advice and encouragement from others who experienced similar things. Welcome.

 

[intothelight]

@Toadette Welome to the forum! :)

I want to write about the things that happened to me but that still feels treacherous to my family.

There is a section here called Trauma Diaries that is a good place to do this as it is anonymous. Healing does happen, but it takes time and hard work. I hope you find this site beneficial to your own healing.

 

[Toadette]

Thank you all so much. I am thankful to finally accept what my issues are, and accepted the hope that comes with that. I'm unsure where to start though, this is all a bit overwhelming. I have alot of guilt and shame inside of me and it causes me problems talking about this. I don't know if I'm more scared you all won't believe me or you will. As most of you know with childhood abuse it is hard to evoke everything, impossible even. I'm at a moment in my life where I'm starting to have distance from everything that happens, in a way this is good but in a way it has made me mourn for the child that was/is broken. It is hard to accept I can not go back and make it better. I don't want to cause anyone any pain, especially my mother. Life weighs heavy on me.

Sorry for going on and on, I just know I need to do something but not what.

 

[Enaila]

Welcome to the forum. Check out Ms. Spocks thread called, "Name that Distorted Cognition." It is helpful for understanding why you might be feeling shame or guilt. Reading the forums, especially while the chat is being serviced, will help as well. The more you read and ask questions, the more you will understand. I know this site is helping me to get healthier and hope you gain some comfort and support as well.

 

[Toadette]

Thank you so much! I just read it and it's so me I could cry. I feel like my brain is a shoe and the laces are getting untied. I feel a great rush of understanding myself more :)

 

[Enaila]

Ms. Spock also suggested I check out Kristen Neff's online site on self compassion. As you meet more people on this site, which is easier with chat, but can still be done while we wait for it to be fixed, you will get more suggestions. I recently was able to figure out what mindfulness is for me and for the first time in about 30 some years, can say I have been "feeling" again. I like it....especially the happy feelings. :-)

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome! :)

 

[anthony]

Welcome to the community. Nothing like working out issues amongst strangers who are just here for the same reasons... to better themselves, remove the barriers of bullshit normally in place via privacy of ourselves via online means, and change what we don't like with behaviours that we do like.

Well done... honesty is a really good place to start.