purpleswirled
Silver Member
My father was/is emotionally verbally and occasionally physically abusive. This has been going on since my earliest years (my mother said it started soon after they married). My mum, my sister and I were abused mostly verbally and emotionally though threats of violence were often used. The actual violence was only occasional but very frightening when it did happen (weapons etc).
I am beginning to see that although my father wa snot an evil monster and sometimes could be lovely when he wasn't in a rage or a bullying mood but I now know he was abusive. For years I denied it. My sister did too. My mum always has although she confides in me how scare dshe is and wants to leave.I see that we were all abused. I see that as a small child I was not at fault although I admit to being a a difficult toddler and primary school age child. BUT...from about the age of 9 or 10 I was not just difficult but horrible. I didn't set out to be like that- often it was a defense mechanism and also very poor social skills. As well as being diagnosed with Borderline PD, OCD etc as an adult it has been suggeste dI may have some Asperger's traits although I have no diagnosis as yet. I would lash out at people and could be very demanding and contolling. I kept needeing constant validation and reassurance. My parents thought it was conceit (they are evangelical Christians so saw things as a sin/moral defects kind of thing. So I was constantly told I was selfish, arrogant, loved myself too much, attention seeker etc.
I was overeasting a lot from an early age- always felt empty, bored or anxious. So I became chubby and then obese. I had self harm behaviours since age 8 and also extreme rages. I tended to react badly to disappointment, had what looked like tantrums but were like a fear response. That isn't to say I didn't have normal strops as well- I was strong willed and very headstrong. But i was shy in relationships- nervous of eye contact and bad at trusting anyone or knowing how to empathise or be kind. I hated myself. I also had cry for help type of behaviours- wetting bed for attention etc. I would sometimes do things so I would get punished. Yet if those punishments happened randomly because my add was in a rage I would shake with fear and try to eother hide or do things to appease him. I would fake being sick in anattempt to make him have mercy on me. Which was daft- because when I did get ill he would be horrible about it. Genuine illness was not believed- I developed ME/CFS in my teens until well into my 20s and was constntly accused of lying and yelled at and jeered at for not working full time after I left school. I also had a form of maths dyslexia (dyscalculia) and was punished by my father for bad marks by threats, screaming, belittling etc. I was so scare dof punishment i could never apologise or admit I ever did anything wrong. I was told by my dad that I was a sociopath with no conscience.
I was a nasty teenager and 20 something.My personality disorder and eating issues meant I did badly at University and also waste dmy musical talents. I was selfish. I rejected God (although i did come back to the faith later, which also triigered some things. i couldn't trust God either) Forgive me if talking about religion is banned on here or something- am not sure if it is or not. Basically, my mum and my sister are good people- kind, selfless, team players. I am a selfish, cowardly type.
So when I look at myself as an older child and young adult I see someone who deserved it. I see myself up to age 8 or 9 as a real abuse victim but after that I believe that although the behaviour was still abuse, I was partlyto blame. I made things worse for myself. I have had christian counselling in the past and some of it has been wonderful and helpful but I would come to a halt when the counsellor would tell me eventually "stop feeling sorry for yourself. When you were age 12 or 13, Biblically that is teh Old Testament age of responsibility. You were at fault too." Or "your problem is really self pity" etc . Because I
I am beginning to see that although my father wa snot an evil monster and sometimes could be lovely when he wasn't in a rage or a bullying mood but I now know he was abusive. For years I denied it. My sister did too. My mum always has although she confides in me how scare dshe is and wants to leave.I see that we were all abused. I see that as a small child I was not at fault although I admit to being a a difficult toddler and primary school age child. BUT...from about the age of 9 or 10 I was not just difficult but horrible. I didn't set out to be like that- often it was a defense mechanism and also very poor social skills. As well as being diagnosed with Borderline PD, OCD etc as an adult it has been suggeste dI may have some Asperger's traits although I have no diagnosis as yet. I would lash out at people and could be very demanding and contolling. I kept needeing constant validation and reassurance. My parents thought it was conceit (they are evangelical Christians so saw things as a sin/moral defects kind of thing. So I was constantly told I was selfish, arrogant, loved myself too much, attention seeker etc.
I was overeasting a lot from an early age- always felt empty, bored or anxious. So I became chubby and then obese. I had self harm behaviours since age 8 and also extreme rages. I tended to react badly to disappointment, had what looked like tantrums but were like a fear response. That isn't to say I didn't have normal strops as well- I was strong willed and very headstrong. But i was shy in relationships- nervous of eye contact and bad at trusting anyone or knowing how to empathise or be kind. I hated myself. I also had cry for help type of behaviours- wetting bed for attention etc. I would sometimes do things so I would get punished. Yet if those punishments happened randomly because my add was in a rage I would shake with fear and try to eother hide or do things to appease him. I would fake being sick in anattempt to make him have mercy on me. Which was daft- because when I did get ill he would be horrible about it. Genuine illness was not believed- I developed ME/CFS in my teens until well into my 20s and was constntly accused of lying and yelled at and jeered at for not working full time after I left school. I also had a form of maths dyslexia (dyscalculia) and was punished by my father for bad marks by threats, screaming, belittling etc. I was so scare dof punishment i could never apologise or admit I ever did anything wrong. I was told by my dad that I was a sociopath with no conscience.
I was a nasty teenager and 20 something.My personality disorder and eating issues meant I did badly at University and also waste dmy musical talents. I was selfish. I rejected God (although i did come back to the faith later, which also triigered some things. i couldn't trust God either) Forgive me if talking about religion is banned on here or something- am not sure if it is or not. Basically, my mum and my sister are good people- kind, selfless, team players. I am a selfish, cowardly type.
So when I look at myself as an older child and young adult I see someone who deserved it. I see myself up to age 8 or 9 as a real abuse victim but after that I believe that although the behaviour was still abuse, I was partlyto blame. I made things worse for myself. I have had christian counselling in the past and some of it has been wonderful and helpful but I would come to a halt when the counsellor would tell me eventually "stop feeling sorry for yourself. When you were age 12 or 13, Biblically that is teh Old Testament age of responsibility. You were at fault too." Or "your problem is really self pity" etc . Because I
