General Ideas To Balance Marriage

[Eleanor]

hopeful - it may be lack of energy - or it may be other things. Different standards? Does he like/care about folded clothes? Is clutter "safety" for him? Or does he just "not see" it. For myself, I have learned that my chronic messiness (which I am famous for in my family - I give PigPen from Peanuts a run for his money, not with dirt, but just with Stuff) is a symptom of my inability to visualize - and so I can't automatically compare what IS with how it Ought To Look. It is difficult for me to pick up things. So I do much much better in a small house with very little in it. If there is not much in a room, I can keep it neat. If there is a lot of visual clutter - it rapidly becomes overwhelming.

It might be worth a conversation about why this is difficult for him. He may be trying like hell, but be unable to find the battle....

 

[HEART BROKEN]

So the "spoon theory" made me teary. Thank you for sharing. I can apply this to home and work, where I work with children who suffer with chronic illnesses.

Eleanor - I think it is his lack of memory skills, perhaps damaged by the abuse. He often says he forgets or just planly doesn't think about it. Feel like I can never really tell if it is something acquired (via abuse) or learned (his mother doing everything for he and his two brothers)??

Clutter you ask??....Yes, know it well....which I try and keep in check, but every so often I get tired or lazy and it creeps up on me and occasionally he says something about it. He will clean up his clutter at times, but it primarily falls on me, the keeper of the house. I hate the excuse his gives of not knowing what I would want to do with the stuff so he feels best to just leave it for me.

Dont' think I'll ever get the answers, but in time the children will grow, and there will be less laundry and dishes and cleaning for me to do.

 

[Eleanor]

I love the spoon theory too.

He will clean up his clutter at times, but it primarily falls on me, the keeper of the house. I hate the excuse his gives of not knowing what I would want to do with the stuff so he feels best to just leave it for me.

My H and I have learned that we need to deal with the "little" annoyances like this, and that they can be very valuable places to start working through old stuff. So you might ask him what he is worried will happen if he puts something away "wrong?" And then see if that ever happened to him before? With childhood stuff, it seems to be helpful to process a lot of little things "in real time" as my H's T says. The thing with NOT addressing it (just chalking it up to his illness) is that the resentment builds up over time, and can explode when you least need it to. :(

I have taken a page out of the pre-school handbook - and now everything in the house has a "home." I am working on getting them all labeled so that my H (who, infuriatingly, has a photographic memory but can never remember where anything goes since I moved into the house.....:mad:) can figure out where things go. Oh and it helps the five year old too. And rituals - almost time for lunch! Put everything away! Almost time for dinner! Put everything away! help a HUGE amount too. I fight this battle every day myself, so I hear you!

 

[Barberian]

I'm a PTSD sufferer, here is how I relate to the selective memory:

There are certain types of chores I can remember, others I can't. If it's related to a chore I used to do, mostly job related, pre-PTSD I'm more likely to remember it. There are days I can't sucessfully add anything or remember anything new to my "to-do list" out of my comfort zone, other days I can. My to-do list is like a basketball hoop, anything I put in it falls right out the bottom. In order for me to accomplish anything on my to-do list, I have to stop what I am doing and do it as soon as I realize it needs to be done, usually by my wife telling me. Writing down a to-do list is almost an insult to me. I know this may seem childish, but it's a written reminder that I am incapable of remembering the simplest of things. This took a lot of time to accept on my part as a major limiting factor in my life. Pride had/has a lot to do with it.

My wife and I don't always see eye to eye on my "selective" memory. I still feel like I can remember stuff, I want to believe I can remember stuff. I get my feelings hurt sometimes because I don't want to accept I have this condition and that it can rob me of my dignity some times.

If you notice (at least I did as I read and re-read it, it is something new for me to think about) that pride is an underlying theme of this post. I used to be able to do it all, now I'm unable to do hardly any of it. Many men people with PTSD have some of the same issues, at least from what I've lived and what I've read about it.

 

[Chondra]

PTSD Sufferer here. Huge thank you for this thread and the posts.

What I have to offer is trivial, but hopefully helpful too. My wife and I use a small white board with just three chores on it each day. These are my top priority. Most days I can manage three chores. (Hopefully this number will increase over time)

I have a larger whiteboard to catch the bulk of the chores, but this is stored out of sight. On my good days this comes out and I get at some of these too, but I call them "gravy".

 

[ericaboo]

I'm a sufferer, and I've been feeling so guilty about not contributing to the house. Today my husband cleaned the kitchen, and it gave me the motivation to cook him dinner.

I hope things will get better so he won't have to do so much. Thanks to all the supporters out there.

 

[healing_now]

It's interesting, until I actually suffered from PTSD myself, I really had no idea what it was like to experience it. In fact I was blind I guess to the fact of how common this is in our world.

One thing I'd recommend that I really believe would help you is to understand what he's going through.

As a depressive/PTSD sufferer myself I realize that I not only take on an emotional toll but a spiritual and physical toll as well. Imagine being exhausted just to get up from the couch, or to wash the dishes, make a phone call etc. I've been there and I WANT to do something but physically I do not have the energy.

Also I know that sometimes I refuse to do anything that has to do with opening up the wounds (writing, talking, being around people who may ask) because that alone can trigger not only emotions but oceans of thoughts that fill up your mind and they are not pleasant to remember what happened. It's like living a nightmare 24/7. Sometimes I choose to do anything else that doesn't allow me to think. Give him chores that allow him to "think" about something else. Mind stimulating things.

Make him feel important and wanted. I know guys feel even more worthless when they aren't appreciated. Let it be sincere. I know for me, I've become hyper aware of when someone is handing out pity rather than actual sincerity.

Ask him what he experiences (if that's a safe approach). Also I found if I have someone disappointed in me because I didn't do something, it really hurts, and I spiral down again. Use lots of positive happy talk and find things that he does do well and compliment and uplift alot. Turn on positive music with uplifting messages that he can listen to. Go on walks together (being outside really lifts my mood) and I'm confident you'll start seeing a change. Also see if you can get the high sugar, high caffeine, and deep fried anything out of his diet it may help. Don't do it all at once, but the way he eats has a Huge impact on mood. Before my bout with abuse (situational depression), I permanently reversed my own depression (Chronic) with positive thinking and eating healthier. I really hope this helps and if it doesn't then I still hope that you find something that does. Healing though is going to be what helps in the long run, encourage him. There really can be an end to the pain. Keep going, you can do it, you both are worth it!

 

[Renee5624]

Is it possible/easier for sufferers to prioritize things that they need to remember? Such as job-related being a must, then home-related coming next? My husband seems to be successful and productive at work and has gained promotions. When it comes to obligations or conversations at home, he doesn't recall sometimes. It makes me feel like he doesn't care, or wasnt listening because I feel like he is able to stay on top of things that seem important to him.