If It's Not One Thing, It's A Mother

[Seeking_Nirvana]

No one has to forgive anyone if they choose not to. Forgiveness works for some, but not all.

In my case I choose to forgive regardless if it heals me or not.

I have forgiven the man who raped me. Anyone who can commit such a horrible crime has had to suffered some type of abuse himself. He probably didn't know how to handle it so he made someone pay for his pain, and I was the one.

I hope that he has rehabilitated himself like I have. I hope that he finds glimpses of peace from time to time like I do. I hope that by forgiving him I have sent out positive energy into the world so that he won't harm his children. By constantly projecting negative energy out into the world and toward my abusers only brings about more abuse IMO.

Tammy

 

[Arcticboy1970]

Hey Moonshadow, I think there may be a kernal of truth in the forgiveness thing. I had an extremely hard time forgiving some of those that hurt me. There was some pretty bad stuff done to me too. My main abusers (parents) have had many discussions of the last 20 years. I remember a T telling me I had to start forgiving those people. Good freakin' luck! I told him. A few years later I sat down with my mom, I hadn't talked to her in over 6 years and I laid a number of things at her feet. She couldn't accept her role in the things that happened, BTW, she still can't and she is slowly dying from emphasyma and copd, anyways once I realized that the forgiveness piece is more about me than about her things started to get better for me. Me forgiving her for burning me, beating me, neglecting me, etc etc, meant that I was no longer in her control! I had power again, she was no longer in charge of me!

Once I took power for me I could see how messed up she really was, yeah she was supposed to look after me, keep me safe and love, she didn't do a good job......why? was she evil, no she was incompetent! She did not have what it took to do the job. I hate to say it, but you can't cure stupid or inept. She was that, is that. Enough about me though.

Just think about the power piece. Does she have power over you? Take a good look at it. If she does, how can you take it back?

Just my thoughts. Take em with a grain of salt. I'm just a frozen hillbilly. ;)

Hang in there. Fight the POWER!

 

[xxarmywifexx]

However I WILL overcome and I will heal.

Amen Vapor!

I've had many "mother figures" in my life. But only one had the power to hurt me and she did for many years even in her absence. Two and half years ago my "Prodical Sister" calls me to tell me of my mother's illness and out of something deep within me I call her to see if she was okay, after 17 years of silence. Hearing my mothers voice seemed to melt my reason for calling her and I found out within myself, that in order to be a better mother...I needed it more then she did.

To this day...she calls me with 12 year old girl banter...I tell her I love her and I go on with my life. She too tells me she is proud of me...I simply think to myself, "I am too."

Moonshadow, I hope you find the peace of mind that I have found one way or another. You are in my thoughts.:Hug_emoticon:

-xxarmywifexx

 

[Seychelle]

My problem with the word 'forgiveness' is that to me it implies saying that what happened was ok or acceptable or forgiveable. At this point, I do not see myself ever being able to forgive my mother for what she did to me. But I hope one day to be able to leave the pain behind and not be angry about it. To be at peace with myself.

Like others who've posted in this thread, I cut off all contact with my parents several years ago for the forseeable future. If they go into therapy and truly face up to what they've done, then I may consider seeing them sometime in the future. Otherwise, at this point in time, I do not want to see them again.

 

[Moonshadow]

There's been a lot of "Mother Talk" today. It made me start thinking about what my kids might say about me, in 20 years.

I hope that they'll love me and want to be around me.

I know I've done very well, in protecting them from the bad elements that would harm them. To the point, that many people have accused me of being over-protective. I feel I have very legitimate reasons for being "over-protective". This is a scary world, and there are mean people in it.

I am raising intelligent, happy, self-confident children. They don't have to be afraid of anything, or anybody, in their home.

 

[Irton Pike]

A few words of advice for parents and children the world over from the librarian at the University of Hull. Phillip Larken - This Be The Verse



They **** you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do.They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you.But they were ****ed up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats,Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another's throats.Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf.Get out as early as you can, And don't have any kids yourself.

 

[Seychelle]

I like that poem. Someone sent it to me when I first started working through the stuff from my past and I found it really helpful then.

 

[Acer]

I just love it when my mother takes all the credit for my success and also privately berates me for being different and acting better (sarcasm).

I think forgiveness is a religious sentiment that means nothing to me. I can't forgive a person blatantly hurting others and continuing to do so even after you have told them they are hurting you personally.

My mom is on marriage number 7, has six kids, and each one of us have suffered such horrific traumas. Her choices are simply unforgivable. She did not do her job (which was to protect her children) and not only that, she continued to put us in danger and now continues to deny and excuse her poor choices.

I can't wait for the day when 17 years passes with no contact, or the day when she truly calls and apologizes and is suddenly a completly different person but since the latter is not likely, I long for the former. I crave a relationship with her daily but I crave a mother that never existed for me. I crave something that simply isn't possible.

 

[Brella]

I'm so conflicted by it all. I think the key is perhaps finding some new boundaries somewhere between what we have and cutting them off completely. I just don't know where to draw that line and how to go about implementing it without starting WWIII and creating a whole new set of difficulties for myself.

Oh catjudo! I so identify with your whole story. I have recently completely severed ties (again) with mom while I work on healing some of my own pain. I have no idea if/when I will ever be strong enough to be able to put in place boundaries to protect myself from my mother. The patterns are so old and engrained.

I'm trying to learn not to be afraid of the rest of the world, just because she was so mean to me. At the moment, the thought of letting her back in my life scares me as it would mean a return to 'business as usual'.

Where I feel SO conflicted is that she has not been 100% ogre. Maybe 60% ogre. But while the remaining 40% has been good and helpful to me, I have a hard time reconciling it with the ogre part. It is normal for a mother to want to help her child (40%) but it is not normal for a mother to hurt her child and make them feel unsafe in the world (60%)

Brella

 

[catjudo]

Brella-thanks for writing this. It does help somewhat to realize I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Like you said, my parents aren't ALL bad. The bad parts are really horrific and there is no way that the good parts can make up for the bad things they say/do. But they are family and I do enjoy the good times with them. The problem is good times can turn to bad instantly and without warning.

I don't have the answer but I completely relate to what you're saying. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Sparky]

New here and I so identify with these posts. Having a hard time setting boundaries, and feeling safe in a world where the person who was suppose to care and protect failed to do so.

Sparky

 

[Jet]

For as long as I can remember my mother and I did not get along and were not close. Most of the time I honestly believed she did not even like me let alone love me.

My mom was an alcoholic/drug addict. She was both physically and emotionally abusive. There were many times we went without food or basic necessities simply because it was more important for her to have her fix. She allowed violent and dangerous people to come into our home and lives and abuse us.

My mom had her finger cut off (by her older brother) when she was 2

She was sent away from home later that same year (after my Grandfather tried to stab my uncle in a alcoholic rage - he was afraid he might hurt his favorite child).

My mom witnessed her father's suicide when she was 7.

My mom was forced to give her first baby up for adoption when she was 14.

My mom married and alcoholic, abusive man who was a Korean War Vet with "shell shock" when she was 16 and they had a beautiful little girl named Bonnie when she was 17.

My mother's husband got drunk one day and while he was pulling out of the driveway he ran over his baby who was playing in the side yard and so my mom held her baby in her arms as she took her last breath when she was 19.

My mom went to prison after getting into a bar fight with a woman who laughed about the baby dying. And when she got out she went home to parents and family who acted as though Bonnie had never existed.

My mom was a talented artist.

My mom had a beautiful smile.

My mom loved animals (and passed that on to her children).

My mom had a kind and huge heart...it was simply broken.

My mom loved her children to the bottom of her soul.

My mom was strong and courageous.

My mom was you, me and all of us...she had PTSD (but did not have Anthony, an online forum for support or even a therapist. All she had was a bottle and a script for Valium).

My mom died in 1993 after a battle with cancer that lasted much longer then the docs expected (she said she would live to see my older brother come home from prison and she died exactly two days after). When she died the cancer had spread through every bone in her body stopping at the base of her skull (she compared the pain to rats chewing on her bones from the inside out and that was with the methadone, morphine and percocets).
I only wish I had the opportunity to tell her that I love her and forgive her.

Jet