If The Story Of My Life Helps Others, Then Let The Story Be Told

[Deleted member 19804]

That is an interesting view on PTSD, Russ. And inspiring, too. Thanks for posting this, it's really helpful.

I am so glad to hear that you're going to fight the feelings of insignificance and worthlessness, because you are right: they are lies.

Big hug from a proud friend :hug:

 

[RussH]

It has been a while since I visited my diary; in part because I have been busy, but also my computer had become so bad that I could hardly type on it.
Well my computer bit the dust, so I now have a new computer. I hated to spend the money, but it was time to get a new one.

Life is better since I first started this diary; at least I am not in a deep depression now. However I still find myself with my daily struggles, and find myself wondering when I can take the mask off.

What I mean about the mask is I put this outward appearance of someone who is happy and well adjusted. I visit and socialize with the customers that come in our store, and my fellow workers, and I do enjoy it. However I also know that it is a show. The person on the inside the real me still struggles, still hurts, still questions whether any of these people really care or not. I guess it is just frustrating not having a real sense of belonging or a certain knowledge that people don't see me as my experience has told me they do.

I am also tired of this sensation of anxiety that washes over me. Yesterday we had a busy day at work, and I was stuck on a cash register all day. It seemed like all day people were coming through my line, and I was so ready to get away from people, and couldn't. It seemed the more the day progressed the more anxiety I felt, and it was for no reason, and that is what is so frustrating, I had no reason to feel anxious.

Fortunately, we had another cashier come in toward the end of my shift, and I was able to get away from the register for a half hour, and that allowed me to calm myself and finish the shift.

Sometimes I just want to find a cabin in the woods with a good fire, and a good book, then shut the door, and lock the world out.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I also struggle with anxiety but I am doing far better than I was three years ago. I never used to have anxiety etc.

I admire you for working for the customers and there are a lot of people that are good but when I was a waitress, I could not cope very well.

I hope to be getting a job soon and I am afraid a little bit because it has been years since I last worked at a job.

Glad you checked in and updated this diary.

 

[ms spock]

Life is better since I first started this diary; at least I am not in a deep depression now.

Congratulations that is great news.

The person on the inside the real me still struggles, still hurts, still questions whether any of these people really care or not.

Gosh I so feel this as well.

I guess it is just frustrating not having a real sense of belonging or a certain knowledge that people don't see me as my experience has told me they do.

I don't know how to manage this one yet. I think you are brave to deal with it.

I am also tired of this sensation of anxiety that washes over me.

It is not easy.

Sometimes I just want to find a cabin in the woods with a good fire, and a good book, then shut the door, and lock the world out.

Sound great!

 

[RussH]

In the last two weeks I have had situations come up that has created small triggers. They were both at work, and each time I started feeling numb. I am learning to recognize this as a trigger response, but I am not sure how to deal with it.

It is so frustrating not being able to live and function normally is these situations. I hate it that it affects me in this manner. The sad thing is both times were very minor situations that should not have bothered me at all, and yet here I am writing about them. I hate this!

 

[RussH]

I hope to be getting a job soon and I am afraid a little bit because it has been years since I last worked at a job.

When you do get a job I think you will feel better, and have a better sense about yourself.

 

[Bloomy]

It helps - thanks for sharing. Will be back to read and to digest this thread at a more fitting time then now.

Well written RussH and so important. Glad you have a job that supports you - al the best - blessing.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I can strongly relate to your frustration about being triggered even by what seem to be little things. It is not fair that every day things that can happen to anyone, can have such a damaging effect on us PTSD sufferers. I'm struggling with those things, too, so I can't offer much advice other than for you to try and not be so hard on yourself. It sucks that those things triggered you, but that does not reflect on who you are as a person.

Are you currently seeing a therapist? It might be good for you to have someone help you deal with these trigger responses.

Hope you're doing better today :hug:

 

[RussH]

My best friend died last week. I haven't said anything about it yet, because I have to think about it, meditate on it to process it in my mind. He was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer about a year ago. He fought valiantly but in the end, the cancer won.

The one thing I can say about him, is he never lost hope, nor did he ever let it get him down. There is a lot I need to say, but it will have to wait until I have finished processing it. However I did want to say that I will miss him.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm so sorry @RussH . :( :cry:

I'm glad by the sound of it (and am sure he was) that he had you as a friend.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sorry for your loss @RussH I think that giving some time is alright and I am sending prayers for you and for the family of your friend.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I'm very sorry for your loss, Russ.

Please feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. Thinking of you. :hug: