I have been reading some of the threads and thinking about my own situation, and have come to the realization that, for me, it's not just the PTSD, but all the other garbage associated with my trauma. I am fortunate. I don't get too many flashbacks. I am recognizing what my triggers are, and working to resolve them.
The hard thing for me is not the PTSD, but the learned responses I live with because of my trauma. (please note I recognize the following are things I have lived with, and trying to now overcome) I learned that I am not likeable, that I am disgusting and not worth anything. I have learned that the people whispering in the corner are really talking about me. I have learned to be hyperviligant in guarding against being bullied, or otherwise humiliated.
I have learned to not want to be seen making a mistake, or failing. I have learned that no matter what I am never good enough. I have learned that I cannot tolerate the idea of someone laughing at me (being rediculed and laughed at, perceived or otherwise, is one of my triggers.0 I have learned that having normal friendships are very difficult for me
These are some of the things I find the hardest to deal with because of my trauma. The people who bullied me did a really good job of teaching me all these hard-learned lessons, and now I find great difficulty in unlearning them. If there is one area, or several areas, that I yearn to be "normal" it is in these.
I wonder sometimes if the bullys knew what kind of damage they were doing; if they would continue to bully? Personally I don' t think the damage they cause would bother them at all. I think they would continue, or even intensify their efforts.
