Relationship I'm Bitter And Angry It's Over

[Nicolette]

Ok...here goes my two cents worth.

For starters, while I can't divulge the Private Carers section I had bad vibes about this before and have commented that some of the behaviors mentioned were ones I would not tolerate....

I did something I should not have done but in hindsight it was the best thing I did, I opened up my bf's cell phone bill this afternoon.

The action of doing this tells me that subconsciously you have been thinking something is wrong even though you weren't admitting it to yourself.

While I knew they had maintained a friendship I can also put two and two together here. In the beginning when things were great with us he'd tell me how she'd say things like, you're hot and can I touch your arms. Back then I told him that I didn't like the sound of that but he told me even I wasn't in the picture, he wouldn't be with a girl like that, wasn't attracted to her anyway.

This to me is where you went wrong. If you gut is telling you something isn't right about it and you don't like it there is usually a reason for that. I have been at this point and been through what you have been through minus the PTSD. The biggest lesson I learned......listen to my gut and not how my head and heart wanted things to be.

We did meet up, he fessed up to everything, except that he has not been physical with her, it is an emotional affair and that he loves her. He didn't have to say anymore except that his ptsd is so out of control, he's drinking non-stop everyday and that therapy is useless so he's not continuing with that. He said physically he is not attracted to her at all, she's over-weight, not a pretty face and she has kidney failure.

He loves her but has no physical attraction and she is sick and it's only emotional....what a lot of rot.......he contradicts himself as what man would have an emotional affair and no sex? Come on, we are all adults here and if he could get sex at home and emotional support at home why would he need to be with someone who he is saying is ugly? Men are visual....sorry don't buy this one.

As for PTSD out of control.......how is that an excuse for any of this and why is it relevant to him going elsewhere and lying to you? Bullsh*t attempt at an excuse for bad behavior.

I couldn't help but think that the first time he spiralled out of control with ptsd he left a healthy relationship but not before becoming emotionally attached to another women who ended up being his wife.

Generally leopards don't change their spots so hearing that would have caused me great concern before getting too involved.

I was determined to see him to a healthier place but clearly that is not what he wanted.

This is not good CCurry. You can't fix someone who won't fix themselves on their own free will. It sounds like you actually enabled him more than doing any good as anyone can go and sit in a therapy session but making good use of it is another thing. I bet he thought if he went to therapy he could then get away with other things as in your eyes that was the key to him getting better. Sorry but from what I know of your story this is MHO.

I, like others, are stunned. Still stunned almost 24 hours later.

Unfortunately I am not stunned or surprised. I am guilty of ending up in similar relationships in the past and I now look for the signs and I am sorry but they were there.

We all know that PTSD is never an excuse for bad behavior, but this one goes beyond this. I think he used his PTSD as a cover up, for his behavior. He blamed PTSD for his *triggers* so that he wouldn't have to spend time with you, and then spent the time with her. Inexcusable behavior period......................

Absolutely agree!

But some men are VERY good at covering....We are all at risk of falling for this...... It takes a very good lier.

Pam, after all my life experiences, while I wish I could agree with you I can pick at which point each of my relationships soured but I know I didn't admit it to myself. It only takes the simplest of things. Like with my husband. He worked night shift and every night when he got home he always kissed me on the forehead when getting home around 2am. One night it stopped (which I noticed) and the next day he was talking about the new girl at work. If you want to know you can tell. That is MHO.

CCurry.........I am not saying any of this to be mean........I am sharing my pain and learning experiences as I am sure you don't want to end up at the same place again.

 

[Pam]

I completely agree that I should learn from my mistakes if I find myself being deceived. The world is filled with women and men who didn't see it coming but are wiser now. These are flip sides of the same coin. For many, to be on one side (wiser), you have to be on the other (deceived). And there is no set time to stay on the deceived side. It is what it is for each individual and circumstances. And the time you spend does not automatically mean that you were exceptionally blind.

If there was a way to simply tell a person they are being deceived and they would take your word for it, we wouldn't have such a long, long list of decent honest people hanging their head, wondering how they missed the signs or why they didn't act on their suspicions the first time. I think that a deceiving relationship is way more complicated than that and involves at least biology, emotions, conflicting instincts, and very good lying. Which is why I say, still, we are all at risk, especially those who think they have it nailed down this time and won't be deceived again.

I have no doubt CCurry that you will be wiser. Just wanted you to know that you are in good company with many, many wiser folks who went along like you did, till the train crashed permanently. And now, welcome to the flip side of the coin. Glad you made it. Hat tip to you.

 

[CCurry]

Thanks for you comments and like Pam said the world is full of people that never saw it coming and this is the first in my life and will my antenna's be up the next time, you betcha.

I don't think I've ever been betrayed by anyone before like this and I'm still in shock, so much as come out in the past few days and everything is so surreal.

SheCat- no I'm not that gullible, once I found it, I told him he was lying AGAIN.

I'm just asking to please don't kick the 'dog' when its down. ;-)

 

[Deleted member 541]

I'm not kicking, and I don't think anyone else is either. We are just calling it, as we see it from your post, and what you say......I'm glad that you are aware of his lying, and I know this has to be very difficult on you... Right now the anger and hurt is fueling you to move forward. Just remember, all that you went through when the anger wears off, as that is the time that we become vulnerable to their ways.....Don't let him smooth talk his way back in later.....

Hang in there, and know that you do have friends and support here, whenever you need.....

 

[anni]

It'll take a little while for the shock to wear off because the betrayal was so complete. I'm really glad you were able to have the energy to take the actions you could That at least must give you a little satisfaction in the midst of all this hurt.

I'm sure you're already taking good care of yourself, but have you tried the band-aid of a good day out with 'the girls'? A new hair cut, a little indulgence in the lingerie department, some margeritas over way-too-many calories at lunch- might sound like the last thing you want to do, I know. There's something simple about how indulging yourself can help just plain make you feel a little better sometimes.

All the best wishes to you as you weather all this,

Anni

 

[a3a2]

CCurry,

I'm proud of you for taking a stand, changing the locks and moving on!

 

[Nicolette]

CC I forgot to add you have still done really well with handling matters efficiently & protecting your interests. Thanks to Pam for her input too.

 

[Shoka]

CCurry-

Regardless of how much he's lied and cheated, I am sure there are times you feel like you are in a total state of sorrow and grief.
Grieving all that you had hoped for the relationship, that now can never be- grieving for all you gave in the relationship, that now feels like a total loss.

My hope for you is that you can move through all the stages of grief, in your own time, and heal enough to one day let it go. It is possible to move on.

Shoka