I'm Confused - Resurfaced Fear

[The Albatross]

Doubled back to share... that the idea for imposing a time limit was a double click (two moments of synchronicity during a time when I was really struggling. Sometimes I call the mini epithanies). I was a lifeguard at my YMCA, and overheard a mother reassuringly tell her child (who was working himself into a big upset about jumping into the deep end for swimming class), "Okay. You can be upset. But I would like you to make a decision and please tell me your answer. Are you going to let this ruin your week? Are you going to let this affect the rest of your day? You have a soccer game today, are you going to let it affect the way you play? Have your feelings, and I understand. It's okay to be afraid for a time, but the moment is past. It's okay now." Listening to her hit me like a freight train and at that point I realized that I can feel the feelings, for a time, but it is up to me to determine how much and how long I carry them, and when to put them down.

I have another friend, who imposes the time limit... hers is not as generous as mine is. She has a time each day that she has contracted with her self "just to worry". She sets a timer and journals. When the timer goes off, she's done until the next day. I am not that diciplined, yet.

 

[anni]

Yes, well I get this sometimes to the point where I misread your post the first read through. Seriously- thought you wrote ' due to my fear of running him down.' It must be how my head completed the sentence, since I used to worry I'd see him walking sometime, lose it and just go do that. Mine's dead but given the right circumstances, if I see That Car in my head everybody ( including the coroner ) lied to me and he's still out there.

What Deb said makes an awful lot of sense. It's a long time ago but the anger from the court system injustices doesn't have anywhere to really go properly since it was so incredibly, bizarrely unfair plus hurtful-plus invalidating. When my swine kept getting off it felt like I'd been called a liar, was disbelieved. What does one do with that kind of anger? I guess therapy helps us put it somewhere, make peace with it somehow but how does it ever just plain go away?

My T had me use visualizations, improbable, impossible ones where I just let it all out. My personal one included a baseball bat and there wasn't much left of the *sswipe beyond the proverbial grease spot on the pavement. Perhaps it's rather a primitive form of therapy these days compared to what's out there ( I haven't really tried much different than what seems to 'work' so far because am a big chicken ) but do have to say it really did seem to be awfully helpful. I still have to evoke this once in awhile when something sets the whole ball of toxic wax off, only seem to go right to the grease spot more quickly. Even in visualizations I don't like having things to be untidy. :) Everyone is different so maybe this isn't helpful but your post just sounded kind of familiar so thought I'd at least offer this. You didn't actually ask about what-to-do, so hope I'm not being a big buttinski.

I hope it's a little better for today, hopefully not too overwhelming until that T appointment. Do take care!

 

[Nicolette]

The anger has subsided. I think I was cross with myself for letting another person threaten me and it brought all the memories and fears back. I promised myself I would never allow it to happen again. I actually told the person involved in the incident from 3 weeks ago the reaction they caused in me and felt better for just putting it out there..............

 

[suzie q]

I agree with intothelight's post. I often get triggered with the Star of David symbol. My rapist wore a satanic symbol around his neck the night of the attack. He also, after the rape, tried to show me his driver's license because he said he wanted to get arrested. Of course I was in shock and only wanted to get away from him.

I had many, many fearful reactions to these items. After the trial and his dismissal from prosecution, I totally felt unsafe just breathing. I knew he would find me and hurt me again, and of course get away with it again. That was untruthful, but I felt it all the same. To me, no matter what was the truth, no one would believe me. He was free forever. Knowing that he received no punishment reinforced the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. I would always have to be "aware"..it could happen again.

I still have fearful bouts about this past. There was never any closure. I couldn't get my power back. That was 31 years ago. I just try to keep the fear minimal, and ground myself when I have a "spell". I know that I will always be angry and I try to direct the anger where it belongs.
Sorry for your fear and pain...suzie q