DID I'm everything, so stay far away

[Punky143]

Course I long for friends as humans are proven to need a connection but for people like me or "us" it's proven temporary. Yup abandonment over and over even till this day. It's so wired in me and will be. I've been in therapy for 9 years, taken DBT class twice but up until 6 months ago never charted down the trauma road, guess we weren't ready. We weren't ready to let our T know there was more than one of us in here for the fear she'd take us away. We have a long list of dx but lets just say complex ptsd covers it. Interestingly enough, I have a twin sister and its me who seems to of gotten the brunt of the mental health shit. Oh well. My marriage is failing, my daughter at 8 was sexually assaulted and court has yet to happen since I just found out last May, my past trauma was coming out with all its wonderful forms and now it's been magnified by my daughter's event. Financially we are going downhill fast and I should get a second job but when it takes 30 min of sitting in the parking lot trying to convince myself to go in because there's too many people, and I'm paranoid over everything, how would I then be able to work after already struggling to work 8 hours? My body is a tangled mess of scrap metal. I do stretches, nothing helps. Weekly migraines. I see my T 1x a week but by the time I'm in the parking lot, the disassociation is so rampid, all of a sudden I find myself walking out the door more depressed because I didn't get to tell her certain things. I do write in a journal but when one of us argues with another and I don't realize that till its over what do I do? That's my life in a nutshell. How do I get even a little better when it may be me or her or the other etc? I tell my T that when she asks how the week was and every time, well depends of course but the answer will be depends on who you ask....any given second you could get any different person...triggers everywhere provocte the transitions...and perhaps that is why physically my body is done...

 

[Intrepid]

Sounds much like my story. Thanks for posting. I don't feel so unique. I wish you the best of luck with all you are going through.

 

[Punky143]

Then I guess we can say we aren't so much alone then we always feel right? I'm here. Right with you in this..

 

[Punky143]

Sometimes I feel like I turn into a monster. So hateful. Always aware of everything and everyone everywhere I go. I know I have a scowl look on my face but when I'm a monster, I don't care. When I'm a monster, I urge others to stay far far away from me. It is not the me they think they know. Its the days that I am the monster when I want everyone to leave me alone.