I'm Feeling So Low Today

[Reclusive]

I had weird dreams last night that were filled with allusions and references to the past and people I've known and whatnot. I woke up feeling so low and down over stupid things like highschool boyfriends and that guy in college that never noticed me, a fight I had with my friends. I also feel horrible about the 10 years I feel I just lost - to be 20 and fit and slim and full of life again! But, no, I'm 30, overweight, drained, tired, and sick of it all. How did I screw it all up? I remember life being bright and shiney but that seems so far away and unattainable now.

I want to go out but my agoraphobia is bad. The only one I feel safe with is my fiance, who has agoraphobia too. And most the time I'm on my own since he can't drive and I can - he can opt to stay home and I can't. I'm feeling really resentful about that too - I do everything around here and he just plays his games and I wonder if I 'settled' - but I know there are days when he's the most amazing person I've ever met and I feel lucky just to know him. But I dunno.

Worst of all, I'm starting to FEEL crazy. With a solid sense of 'this is what crazy feels like'. My thoughts are all scrambled and I cry at stupid things and don't say what I think and I feel like I have no where to go. But I do - I have therapy this afternoon, in fact, so hopefully that will help. I don't feel like it will, but it's supposed to, right?

 

[KP the nut]

to be 20 and fit and slim and full of life again! But, no, I'm 30, overweight, drained, tired, and sick of it all. scrambled and I cry at stupid things and don't say what I think and I feel like I have no where to go.

OK, I'm 50 (Aargh - how did that happen) overweight, drained and tired. You still have time to take control, I still have time to take control. Easy to say and I can't do it for a lot of the time BUT sometimes I can and when I can it is good.

Try and set yourself little (very little goals), hopefully spring is on it's way, the weather will improve and I look on spring as new beginnings. I'm lucky and live in a pretty and rural area. I have a nice garden and even going to sit in it wrapped up and drinking coffee, listening to the birds improves my mood.

I keep a book and in it I write what makes me happy or grateful. It helps, even on the crappiest days I find something positive, even if it is thank goodness for a nice warm duvet in which to curl up

. I bought the book especially and chose a really nice one and bought a nice pen to go with it - it made me feel as if I was 10 and choosing school stuff.

I am thinking of you and sending huge hugs.
take care my friend
KP

 

[Xibalba]

I have no advice for you. I am saddened by that. I know exactly what you feel like, some days I can't even go out to get the mail. The irony is that my job requires me to travel. So I travel to a job, do the work, and spend the whole day wishing it would end so I could rush back to the hotel and lock the door. When I am in my house (which I am losing in foreclosure... not sure what's gonna happen after that), I don't want to leave. I rely on the few restaurants that deliver food, and there are fewer and fewer of those now. I used to be a Starbucks fanatic (still am), but now I can't even get up to go out and get a good latte. A lot of my trauma happened in the house I am in now, so there are rooms and places, like my back yard, that I can't go to. So even in my house, I am stuck to a few rooms.

You hit the nail on the head. Waking up is a horror. Every day, for years now, I wake up in an immediate panic, breathing rapidly from some half-remembered nightmare. Sleeping pills help, but I avoid them so I don't get addicted.

At least you have a fiancee there to communicate with, that's a plus. Try to rely on that, as much as you can without putting too much pressure on him. I am so bad now, if a spider gets into the house I wind up having a conversation with it, since that's about all the social interaction I will have.

By the way, spiders make lousy conversationalists, and the huge chunk missing from my leg will attest to their lack of loyalty when a brown recluse decides your topics are boring, and your leg meat looks more interesting.

 

[Reclusive]

OMG, Xibalba! A brown recluse killed my mother! It took awhile, but it happened. When I move into a new place, I stand in the doorway and tell the bugs that they are welcome outside, but if they come inside they're dead. Fair warning, right?

I do have my fiance, but he's not a communicator. Most my social interaction is internet based. And my Therapy did nothing for me yesterday except make me feel disconnected (disassociated?) and we have couples therapy today (we share a therapist, my fiance and I). So, maybe that will get somewhere. Hopefully.

And I'm with you on the waking up bit. I have some pills that have made the nightmares less common but several times more vivid. But regardless, I'm horrified to be awake and remember that this really is my life. SUCKS.

 

[Xibalba]

I am so sorry to hear about your mother.

I hate waking up. I have to stop myself from cursing God, the Universe, and everything every morning for making me wake up.

 

[Reclusive]

I'm totally with you - I'd even rather stay in the nightmares than have to get out of bed. Sometimes when I can't go back to sleep I put my MP3 player on and just lay in bed... it's kinda close to sleeping, right?

I need to try to get back into hobbies and stuff so I have something to look forward to, but the motivation is so hard to find.

 

[ronin47]

That's a bummer. I to sometimes have bad dreams that depress me big time and that throws my whole day off. Just remember, it can and will get better. I'm 21 and be-lieve me, I still feel overweight, tired, drained, and sick of it all. I have to work to find reasons to keep going and remind myself of the things that give me energy and fill me with life. Just like your dream, the pain you feel now is a passing thing. Remember that.

 

[Xibalba]

Dunno, I am a believer that the human body is capable of infinite pain and tears. I am not one to believe that things just "pass". You have to get better, otherwise you are capable of decades and decades -- a lifetime, really (or lifetimes, if you believe in reincarnation) -- of pain.

I know, I am bumming everyone out today. Sorry.

 

[Reclusive]

You're okay, Xibalba, no worries. I feel the same way about the infinite pain thing. I was brought up kinda weird where pain was 'just pain' - I don't think I know how to explain it better. But I know that I can handle an awful lot of it without falling to pieces - I tend to fall apart at the relief part of things.

Thank you for your words, Ronin. It's so weird to me - when I was your age I was an entirely different person and it's surprising to wake up and find the difference.

You know, my words are a mess today. I'm so sorry if I don't make sense.

 

[Missy]

Hey Reclusive -- I'm right there with you. My therapist asked me what I do for fun and I burst out in tears. Feeling so low today...I do have hope things will get somewhat better. Maybe I'm deluding myself, but I'm hoping I can get some relief through exposure. Otherwise....yep....infinite pain.

 

[Reclusive]

Missy - my therapist said yesterday that exposure therapy is pretty much the route we need to take. I have the CONCEPT of exposure therapy, but if that's the path, then I'll head down through it.

 

[Xibalba]

Hey Reclusive -- I'm right there with you. My therapist asked me what I do for fun and I burst out in tears..

Wow I can relate to that. Has happened so many times. I would just look at them and say "you're kidding, right?"