I'm giving up on the idea it'll ever be better

[HollowLavender]

I was doing so well for a few months. I've been repressing my negativity and trying to be happy. Every damn day I smile all day and try to be nice and it doesn't matter. Every good thing I do is expected and every mistake is scrutinized. I don't want to be alive. I don't care about being alone anymore no one listens anyway. I just want to be numb and brainless. I've been sucking dick since I was 10 and trying to game over myself since I was 14. What's the point?! It's never enough, no one wants to hear you when your in pain or upset. Just smile nod and be a good little toy.

My arms are covered in scars and I've started scratching and cutting my legs again. I've been hospitalized and it doesn't help, I've gone to therapist after therapist tried pill after pill and it doesn't get better, it never gets better. I've slept with hundreds of men just hoping one would be a serial killer or tranphobe that would do it for me but I'm not that lucky. I'm too cowardly to end it myself but too defective to have a life. To quote my favorite short story. "I was in hell looking at heaven."~i have no mouth but I must scream.

If I stop going to work I'll be fired and my friends will disown me and be mad at me but I can't vent to them because they just tell me to stop. Everything hurts so much and it's all inside me it feels like rotting inside every fiber of my being. What's the point in trying it's never enough it never ends and Everytime I have the audacity to hope It crumbles to ash. I can only live a bad life and I can't even have a good death.

What did I do to deserve this pain and no end? I've been raped 4 times I've been disowned, abandoned, ghosted and beaten I've tried so hard and all I have to show for it is scars. I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel I can't see any reason to not take everything sell it buy a bunch of drugs and just take everything anything I can't keep going. I can't be helped and I'm sorry and scared.

 

[Rose White]

I also am giving up on the idea of better. And even a self. It’s all illusion. Nihilism feels peaceful to me. I texted my Buddhist monk friend recently, “If there is a battle of good and evil I’m fairly certain evil will prevail, but that doesn’t negate the good—still feels nice in the present when people do kind things.” He agreed.

There’s no perfect body, perfect mind, perfect life—not even good ones, just confused and incomplete ones. Am trying to live with that. The problem is not me. Life, existence, consciousness… are all deeply problematic on a fundamental level.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I understand the hopelessness and gave up ages ago, just didn't realise until now.

 

[Ecdysis]

I found this helpful in times when I feel hopeless and overwhelmed:

Taking It One Day at a Time

 

[Survivor3]

Hello @HollowLavender , I'm very sorry to hear your story and the way that you feel right now. If you don't mind me asking? What are some (if any) of the things that have kept you alive so far?
You said you've been doing well for a few months, what a great thing to achieve and for us to hear. What does "doing well" look like to you? What were you doing?

 

[cdm]

@HollowLavender thank you for being so honest & vulnerable with us, I'm so sorry to read you are feeling this way, the pain is unbelievably unbearable at times, as so many of us know. I don't know if you have tried any CODA online meetings but they really helped me when my therapist suggested them, even just for the support system their fellowship offers was incredibly valuable. Slowly life can improve, it's so very courageous of you to share on here.

 

[Friday]

What did I do to deserve this pain and no end?

Nada.

The idea that good things happen to good people, and bad things happen to bad people; so if something bad happens to you, you somehow deserved it?

IME… Speaks to either an innate belief that the world (and life, and people) is somehow “fair”; or is a lesson abusers force upon their victims, so their good little victims will clean up after them, hiding their tracks for them. Neither is true, of course. But that doesn’t stop people from believing things they feel “should” be true, or that gives them an (entirely false) sense of safety & control.

I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel

Something I learned a loooooong time ago, and periodically have to relearn?

Just because Me/Myself/I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, can’t see the point, can’t see XYZ??? Doesn’t mean there isn’t one. It “just” means I can’t see it. Imma bit of a control freak, which makes it harder. Shrug. Doesn’t change the fact that just because I cannot see the EU across the Atlantic, or Asia across the Pacific, that those places are real, and exist, and I can get there. Sometimes easily, sometimes with great difficulty. But how hard it is to get somewhere? Or how effortless? (For myself, or others). Still doesn’t change the fact that I cannot SEE either place, when I stare across the sea. Not until I’m already there.

The control freak in me wants to be able to SEE, to believe, act, etc. But that’s just not how the world works. Sometimes I can see the point. Sometimes? I can’t. Point’s still there, though. Which is something I have to remind myself, more often than I care to admit.

 

[Survivor3]

I really like that @Friday . Great visualisation and philosophy. That's why i could never go through with suicide. The eternal hope that if I can just get through today, "something" will change for the better even in a small way. Even if reality goes a step sideways before taking a different route forwards. Yeah, i like that.

 

[HollowLavender]

Hello @HollowLavender , I'm very sorry to hear your story and the way that you feel right now. If you don't mind me asking? What are some (if any) of the things that have kept you alive so far?
You said you've been doing well for a few months, what a great thing to achieve and for us to hear. What does "doing well" look like to you? What were you doing?

I don't tbh. I try to be all "my family would miss me and my friends would be sad" but I don't have friends anymore and my family would probably be better off without me burdening them. Success is being stable being able to grow in life. I'm supposed to have a house or apartment instead I'm garbage that can't even go through a shift of work without cutting. I did it yesterday and did it today.

 

[oliver767]

I can relate to the sense of being too defective for life. That's exactly how I described myself once. I thought nobody wanted to hear me, nobody wanted to deal with the mess.

 

[Rose White]

Csa makes people feel too defective for life and is related to

so their good little victims will clean up after them

We can’t ever fix it but goddam we keep trying and failing endlessly. It’s a mindf*ck extraordinaire.

 

[pamcoco]

I'm garbage that can't even go through a shift of work without cutting. I did it yesterday and did it today.

I'm not encouraging you to cut, but I am a cutter too. I only started after I experienced 3 unrelated sex crimes during 3 months of 2009. But, wow, does it help. It's highly misunderstood in my experience. People tend to associate it as one inch from taking your own life, but for me any way, it totally relieves that obsession and brings me to the present simple pain. It feels really basic. I've heard the mind only has the ability to feel the worst pain of the moment and can't feel multiple pains. Hence, the relief.
I guess what I am saying is maybe you could at least take the pressure off yourself, not judging yourself when you dont resist, freeing up some time to enjoy being more present, even focus on that pain. It seems cutting, then attacking yourself about it, doesn't even allow a little enjoyment. I mean, we wouldn't do it if it didn't somehow work.
I always get a little secret joy revelling in the horror if others knew the truth. The rebellion of it.
I cut much less frequently now, but I do completely understand.