I'm hanging on a thread

[SeekingAfrica]

It feels like there is no redemption or anything. Like I'm stuck exactly where I was 10 days ago but only more exhausted. I'm barely scraping by and I'm tired. But deadlines and expenses and coming and I'm coming up and down between depression and anxiety. Trying to juggle 10 different mini-jobs while doing the job that will get me a normal pay in October? It feels like I'm too tired for that, too panicked, too exhausted, too hopeless to trust it will work.

How do I begin, if it feels the whole world wants me to give up? Yes, I know that's dark but I'm just... trying to give myself reasons to believe I can actually do all that.
Ideas I have plenty, but also starting new things is really tough on me so I'm terrified of working on 10 new side gigs for next to nothing just to get through this.
But if I don't, I do nothing, then nothing changes, I'll keep being in this much pain.

Doesn't really help where I am physically, though that will change soon. I just need to find a way to raise above.
And it feels like everything is pulling me down.

 

[arfie]

it feels the whole world wants me to give up? Yes, I know that's dark but I'm just...

inside my own psychopations, i call this, "vain." i am increasingly convinced that with the feeling the whole world is conspiring against me, what i am really telling myself is, "i am so great and important that EVERYONE notices me enough to unite in conspiracy against me." if that were so, why hasn't the UN, or some such, contacted me to act as a tool for global peace? my personal discomfort would a small price to pay for global unity. alas, the operator at the UN hung up on me when i called to suggest that posibility. HOW DARE HE!?!?!?!?

I'm stuck exactly where I was 10 days ago but only more exhausted.

10 days is not a very long time in the grand scheme of life, not even for harbingers of global unity. the piece of that equation you can actually change is the exhaustion. work smarter, not harder. ply self-care here.

easy does it, seeki. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.
appreciate the fullness of time. not even 10 YEARS is very long in the cosmic scheme.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

alas, the operator at the UN hung up on me when i called to suggest that posibility. HOW DARE HE!?!?!?!?

Hahaha thank you for this, gave me a laugh I really needed!

Actually I'm realising now I may have a trigger with travel, even when it's back to a place I love. Because I never otherwise think the world is out to get me, except when hypervigilant like for example when war started in nearing country and I was actually starting to think it would get to us and I was preparing to have emergency stuff ready to go... Like, sometimes I get such insane over the top response to something that I don't realise it's a trigger in some form until it hits me later on.

Today I was first wrecking my brain over every part of planning the next 10 days, because tomorrow I travel home... then after lunch I crashed. I have slept normal hours, the night before, and the last 3 hours I've just been lke a sickness hit me. I just laid down and disconnected, and went in and out of sleep with that disorienting feeling like you've taken medication, except I hadn't.. Kept trying to swim out of it and coulldn't. Still not fully out. It's this kind of floaty feeling when I know so much will need to get done but I'm too weak to stand up. It's rare that it hits me quite like that, not sure what to make out of it.

10 days is not a very long time in the grand scheme of life, not even for harbingers of global unity. the piece of that equation you can actually change is the exhaustion.

True. But also many important things can happen in few hours. Truthfully, I need to make a side income during that time to pay my landlord to keep my apartment, which is the biggest concern. Though I still have a gut feeling I'll be moving out of that place, sooner or later, I'd rather have it NOT in the next 10 days. Though I recall a friend telling me that where I am they need to give you 3 week notice, but not sure what is enforced and how much.

I get it though. Given all I survived the last 10 years I will probably manage somehow.
But I think my stress cup is a bit too full and one little drop- the trip- and it just exploded. So now I'm still trying to pull myself out of that sickly feeling that my legs are wobbly and everything is spinning and I'm falling asleep in spite of myself and everything feels far and distorted.
Like it just became too much and I disconnected. It's been an emotional week and time so it's been a lot, maybe. Not sure even what is happening to me right now, haven't had this kind of sleep in a while, it's very distressing one that doesn't really bring comfort.

 

[Ecdysis]

I read somewhere "If you hate everybody, it means your blood sugar is low, so eat something and if you think everybody hates you, you're exhausted, so get some sleep"

It sounds trite, but my moods are definitely affected by such basics of food/ sleep/ etc

 

[scout86]

Actually I'm realising now I may have a trigger with travel,

That seems like an important thing to have figured out.

What's your landlord like, as a person? Would it help to talk to them when you get back and explain your financial situation? If someone owes me money and can't pay on time, my biggest concern is usually whether or not I'm going to get paid at ALL. If they tell me upfront they won't be able to pay on time and come up with a plan, that can help. You can't keep doing that, of course, but sometimes it helps. Especially when you have a job where the income isn't a steady, predictable paycheck.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

It sounds trite, but my moods are definitely affected by such basics of food/ sleep/ etc

No, sounds logical.... except I have slept regular hours the last week. So extra 3 hours during the day and still feeling tired? That's not good. Although it has happened few times when overwhelmed that I have slept 12h in a row without an issue. But still out of ordinary considering I'm not really sleep depreved. But I don't feel like I got quality sleep either this week, if that made any sense...

That seems like an important thing to have figured out.

True, although I'm not sure what to do with it yet.
Plus definitely travelling tomorrow for quite a while (7-8h). Need to be at piece with that. Today that's a struggle. I'll be happy on the other side of it.

What's your landlord like, as a person? Would it help to talk to them when you get back and explain your financial situation?

Kind of... moody. In a good mood she'd agree to anything and be the kindest person you've met. If you catch her on a bad day, you asking for extension or anything that she doesn't approve of (some apartment change let's say) makes you a betrayer and disgusting selfish person or stupid to not get that what you're asking is wrong. Part of the reason I'd like to move out one day on my own choice. I thought she was amazing until in 1 day she switched from super kind to so mad at a small change I asked if I can make so fast it gave me whiplash. And yelled a lot for something that wasn't quite that big and just required a yes or a no. Never seen her like that before, but saw few times since and it always makes me feel sick after. So.... it's 50/50 how she'll react.
In fairness due to mental health this situation now has happened before, however, also in fairness whenever I have postpone I have followed through in paying it whenever date I have asked to postpone to. So it can go either way. Also she has yelled just as worse over a question she thought was stupid or a letter once. So.... yeah, moody.

But it's afternoon and I travel in the morning and the closer I get the more nervous I get. In spite of the fact that this time I'm leaving- meaning my packing is more of going to each room and putting stuff in rather than having to thing about it.
It's just the timing, I'm too on edge and going between hyper and dissociating that I'm not doing anything productive on the free time BEFORE the travel. It's like my body doesn't care about what I need to do. Everything is hazy like I haven't slept in days.

 

[Friday]

How do I begin, if it feels the whole world wants me to give up?

Take a day, and crash. Sleep the clock around, then bust out some stress management (ballet in the bathroom, or 3 fields over out of view, if needed for privacy!). Then start.

 

[arfie]

I read somewhere "If you hate everybody, it means your blood sugar is low

in my u.s. support circle, this phenom has grown a new word. hangry. the anger born of hunger. i often forget to eat when i am stressed, so i am especially prone to hanger. (neurotic grin. . . pun intended). it is nearly magical how quickly a snack can dissipate my anger.

@SeekingAfrica
travel is one of those places where i think nature's survival place is only doing its job to trigger my vigilance, especially when travelling to emotional places. there are very real dangers in travel. it is good to be vigilant. the place where i keep tripping into lala land is with the "hyper" part. vigilance is good. hypervigilance is guaranteed to poop any party. i find my relief in seeking the balance.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

seeking the balance.

How do you do that? Obviously I know it's a good idea, but one of the traumas I got that got me PTSD was in a trip that I had organised and willingly took to work for my future, and it took me a long time to even not get panic attacks on buses... much better today, but I guess it still gets to me??
Kind of that feeling like there was danger and I got this on myself?

 

[arfie]

geez. . . were you seriously wondering why you're not running at peak performance? that's enough to throw buddha out of balance. cut yourself some slack, my healing warrior. sometimes ya just gotta do your best with what ya got to work with.

my personal favorite meditation for maintaining balance is riding a bicycle. i'm not much of a real time bike rider but i've ridden enough to have solid sensory data to aid the meditation. i theorate that a living balance is much like balancing a bicycle as you sail across random slopes, dodge sticks and stones, jump curbs, etc., etc. i especially love the way this meditation can be done in small doses while i wait in lines, etc. when i imagine the bike ride in one of my fondest locations, the meditation can even double as a distraction.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Take a day, and crash. Sleep the clock around, then bust out some stress management (ballet in the bathroom, or 3 fields over out of view, if needed for privacy!). Then start.

Thanks, that was great advice (that I would have probably resisted allowing myself... working on it). Somehow I missed your comment, I guess my brain was that foggy. Didn't do much, but got through the day and got home. Today might be a little overscheduled getting back to real life... but at least when I arrived there was a storm and I couldn't really go anywhere so got a tiny bit of rest. And my PRIVACY back! That is something!

And tomorrow one of my scheduled things is my ballet class, which will break some of the stress I hope (usually does). Also meeting my landlord before that so tonight I'm letting go and sleeping enough hours to cope well tomorrow.

geez. . . were you seriously wondering why you're not running at peak performance? that's enough to throw buddha out of balance. cut yourself some slack, my healing warrior. sometimes ya just gotta do your best with what ya got to work with.

HHahaha thank you! I can be very tough on myself when I'm at my worst actually, which I was. I'm working on that. Thank you for acknowledging this is a genuinely hard thing, I was starting to doubt myself. Thankfully most of the trip is over (still have meeting my landlord to get over with before I can relax).
But I did the trip part and reached my apartment without much practical trouble, if tiring, and that feels good. If for nothing else than for the living alone part. Makes working from home for the time being about 50% easier, no distractions or additional stress from parents. Though I do need to let some of that go in light of all you guys know that has been happening.

my personal favorite meditation for maintaining balance is riding a bicycle

I liked the description. I think once it may have been @Friday who suggested to try imagining ballet as a grounding visualisation and it calmed me. Doing barre is something we do always at the start of class, and my studio feels like home so that is perfect for me. And there and plenty different elements to it. I liked the idea of doing it a bit when you're outside even, like waiting in line- perfect. I will try to remember that. Today in the first and most stressful part of the trip I spend most of the time watching videos from classes we've had over the last 3-4 years and while there are some things I wish I would have achieved and haven't, it was still very grounding to rewatch all of those barre exercise and different choreographies we have worked on. Also reminded me of different versions of me....Helped a lot in getting through the trip.

Thank you everyone for being here. Some days being on here is life-changing, trully. Everyone is so strong and kind and helpful.

Okay, now, I'm going to crash and get enough hours in before tomorrows madness begins. Beyond that, who knows.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

So I had a meeting with my landlord. Went about as well as I expected. Which is not the worst but it's not good either.

I am not homeless but the amount of money I need to pay next month(so I'm not evicted) is about twice what I know for sure I'm making (long story. That feels more doable because I have about 5 weeks to get it together.
And there is something that needs to be paid by mid- next week. That is the bigger concert because I've pulled the favors I could, and still my earlier pay is around 7th. That was relayed to my landlord which is why I have until 31st in general for all other payments, But this one thing she needs by 4th, no matter how. If I had payment in I wouldn't bat an eyel;ash, but she's travelling on 6th so she said she doesn't care how, she needs it on 4th.
It's not impossible, but honestly keeping it together to explain I have no September income to give her was horrifying and it took all my strength. I was all calm until I got home and started shaking.

I have to do the work for 6th, so need to work on that today, and I have 12 days to figure out that other payment. God I hope I do, because it will all be side hustle, I am not sure if I can gett all of it by that date. So I just have to hustle and hope. Not the best, not the worst I guess, what can you do.

But I am home now shaking with adrenaline and feeling like someone kicked me in the stomach and I'm still in shock. For most payments, most people so far have been understanding and I felt I was on a streak. Feels like the streak just ended. In theory I can find some way to work enough for this to happen. In practice? Nobody knows.

All I know is my body feels tingly and shaky and in shock and I am having lunch in bed because I can't....

But in couple of hours, I will have to pull it together and do better than I've done in a long while. And make magic.