I'm hanging on a thread

[LuckiLee]

Are you able to work outside of the house? Might be time to find something more reliable with a paycheck every week.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'd like to do one of those random acts of kindness to an almost-stranger to prove that good luck and support is out there in the universe...

Wish that was an option too. I have people around me, but many people are going through things as well. Oh well. Thank you for saying that anyways.

Are you able to work outside of the house? Might be time to find something more reliable with a paycheck every week.

That was the plan and then when this crisis hit I had to work on managing that first.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I can't do it. I have about half of the smaller amount the landlord requested as a loan. I know it would play to my advantage to play dumb and give it to her on Wednesday so she has no time to think what to do with me before the trip.

But I can't live like this, it's like my body is a live conductor of anxiety and I can't breathe enough to actually do anything. I can't live with this not knowing until Wednesday, it's slowly killing me, and I will miss my normal deadline on Friday which to be honest I'm looking forward to, normal pay no matter what- as long as I've done my deadline. I am losing this week because it feels like I'm back into the PTSD world where the stakes were life and death and every second mattered and all there was to it was surviving long enough to get out. I can't work with this feeling, it's messing with my brain.

I told my landlord I'm going by her place tomorrow to give her the amount I have gathered (half of the smaller amount she 'allowed'(I think) after she was done yelling for 2 days. It's half of the smaller amount. Nevertheless, half of it was meant for bills. Told her I'd give her that amount I have in person, and pay the bills and make picture proof on Friday(not sure I'd be able to Friday or Saturday but she'll be travelling at that point so as long as I pay them ASAP it will be ok. And when she comes back I will have what to start repaying her with. Even though this money I got is a loan I will pay dearly for. Even though my work has been hard to do until now.

All I know is this is the best I can offer her now, and if she wants to kick me out for that, I need to know now and not in a week when I'm supposed to be finishing a work deadline. I can't take another day of living like my whole life was uprooted and thinking all the ugly words she said about me like they are true. Not saying I don't deserve that, but it's not helping me do better, that's all.

I need control of this. How I managed any loan is a miracle. Now I need to claw my way into proving that I deserve it. Even if it's not nearly enough to survive, it's better than the nothing I had before. I don't know what happened to me this week to be honest, it's all broken pieces of flashbacks and anxiety and feeling like my brain was on fire. I'm done living like this. Tomorrow we'll see what happens and if I made the right move.

 

[LuckiLee]

I can't remember if you're in the U.S. or not, if you are?? Apply with a temporary service. They can't get you to work very quickly. In my area you can usually start somewhere the next day. After a drug test.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I can't remember if you're in the U.S. or not, if you are?? Apply with a temporary service. They can't get you to work very quickly. In my area you can usually start somewhere the next day. After a drug test.

No, not in the US. It shouldn't be terribly hard to find temporary gig, but I have 1 week to complete deadline on the job I knew I'd get paid even if late for my landlord- it's still good pay. And with the anxiety I lost some days this week, too many so for the next 7 days, all I am working on is that deadlone and self care. After that all other plans. Trying to set goals now, although I am pretty overwhelmed.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I haven't gotten to the 'talk' today yet, but I'm crying in waves the way I didn't cry at all the whole week. I finally have some hope of surviving this week. Of maybe keeping this place for long enough to change something in my life. Why can't I stop crying? I even took what I usually take to calm down in panic attack, after the first wave of crying on the floor. Now I had a second wave. How am I suppose to move through my day like this with all the crying??? Why am I crying my eyes out now when there is finally a smidge of hope that depends on me? I didn't cry like that.... I haven't cried like that since the trauma (second in my life) that actually gave me PTSD. That kind of crying where you don't know which way is up and you can't get off the floor. Twice today.

I was supposed to work today. And then meet my landlord to see my fate. And then go to ballet class since I spend a whole week barely leaving my apartment and they are gracious enough with my financial situation and that place makes me feel human. And so far this morning I cried my eyes on the floor and against walls twice to a point where I was coughing. Now, that there is even 1% chance of doing something, progressing somehow, NOW. Told my ballet class I'm not sure I'm coming because I feel weak and because I'm scared of this happening in the studio or while I'm out, but really, it would be good for me to go. To show my nose outside, besides for the damned landlord meeting.
There is a smidge of hope now, and it's on me to decide where to go with it.
WHY am I crashing like a broken toy just now??? I was like, frozen all week. Some crying, more sleeping or feeling hopeless no matter what I did. SO MUCH writing. Mostly surviving. WHAT is happening to me now???

 

[Defaultxlove]

Awe hi SA I quoted a lot and just want to comment if that’s ok.

I'm back into the PTSD world where the stakes were life and death and every second mattered and all there was to it was surviving long enough to get out

I get it. Is there some way you can unplug for any length of time. Even 30 mins that you let yourself relax all the way down? Because you’re worth it. That’s the only reason. Not because everything’s ok. Cause I know you’re struggling.

if she wants to kick me out for that, I need to know now and not in a week when I'm supposed to be finishing a work deadline. I can't take another day of living like my whole life was uprooted and thinking all the ugly words she said about me like they are true. Not saying I don't deserve that, but it's not helping me do better, that's all.

You don’t deserve the ugly words she is saying. Selling yourself? Nobody is worth that. She’s letting stuff come out of her mouth that’s not right or helpful in my opinion. I understand wanting money owed but…things happen and her vacation is not more important than you. She’s not more important than you even if she is authority.

Why am I crying my eyes out now when there is finally a smidge of hope

I’m glad there is hope. Maybe you’re just so tired you need to cry relief even though it feels awful.

That kind of crying where you don't know which way is up and you can't get off the floor. Twice today.

nice that you could put this in words. I know this crying. With you

And then go to ballet class

Lovely good job

WHY am I crashing like a broken toy just now??? I

it happens.

Basics for me we counting blessings. What are you thankful for today?

What is in your control. What is not?

Not sure if this helps but I care about you

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Defaultxlove
I'm too tired to answered all but every single word meant a lot and made me cry a LOT.
It's definitely relief-crying. Took a hot shower and it brought some clarity.

I think I have to allow myself to cry out everything I didn't this week yet, before I can start doing all I need to do to prevent this from repeating.
And apparently I've been holding in A LOT.

Cosmic joke is, I spend the whole week praying and giving up and hiding, thinking she was right and I was worth nothing, and now when the universe keeps providing me signs (2 signs in 3 days) to keep fighting I almost feel in shock. Like someone or something still wants me to try, to succeed. Like I'm still worth something and therefore I should start taking care of myself again.
After the crying of course, cause my body and soul still haven't gotten the memo.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

You don’t deserve the ugly words she is saying. Selling yourself? Nobody is worth that. She’s letting stuff come out of her mouth that’s not right or helpful in my opinion. I understand wanting money owed but…things happen and her vacation is not more important than you. She’s not more important than you even if she is authority.

Not gonna lie, those words are still gonna sting for a while. As a child survivor of SA and then as an adult in way more dangerous such situation, this hit home BAD. I know WHY she said what she said, but it kind of BROKE me nonetheless and now I'm putting myself together with bandaids and paperclips.
Honestly.

Funny thing is because there was time when we were on friendly terms ( when the money were always on time)- she actually knows some of what I've been through and still said those words. And I'm pretty sure she has no idea what yelling that at me did to me for the whole week.

 

[Defaultxlove]

I can relate with that. My old neighbors made a few “Karen phone calls” about me including one completely false one. To the same authorities that traumatized me.

I started having seizures. My dr said I must move cause he was concerned I’d have a heart attack.

They were teachers too. I reported them to the board of education because they were found guilty of harassing me (8 month trial). Brutal.

I pray and hope it gets better for you.

Forgive them for they know not what they do.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I reported them to the board of education because they were found guilty of harassing me (8 month trial). Brutal.

You must be very strong! I'm proud of you for doing that and happy you good a good resolution to a situation that shouldn't have happened.

Forgive them for they know not what they do.

Hence, why I plan to move. I pray, to anything I believe in, not to get evicted this week or month.
But I am planning to move on my own, as soon as I am physically and financially capable. Hoping for less than 3 months somehow. Maybe with roommates again, doesn't have to be forever.

I can forgive the anger and the yelling because I have put her in an uncomfortable situation.
I cannot forgive those words. And she has said ugly things to me before over reasons that later turned out to be nothing. This temper? I cannot live with, it's not good for my health. And those words I can't let go of. She said them and she probably will act like she never did when we meet. As will I, until I have a new place to move it.

Anyway, the objective today is to keep from being evicted this week.
Then, to stay this month and until I find a better option.
But until then I still exist no matter what ugly words are siaid. I mean I have no clue how I'm guetting a chance again(or think that I am. I have no clue how I deserved to get through this situation, but I might be getting through it anyway. And as such I must be strong and fight to get to something better.
Not sure what that means for my work yet.
For now I'm concentrating on the landlord meeting and going to ballet class, even though I'd give anything to just hide under the covers. But I did that all week and it really didn't help, so... gotta start somewhere.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Hey everyone.

Just wanted to say I'm at least safe, if I can say that, for now. At least until the end of the month/start of next month, I am not getting evicted.
Conditional on me gathering all the money I owe (double what I have secured as income so far) I will be staying.

As expected, my landlord is pretending that nothing she said to me was said, made coffee and talked about her life. Not sure she even noticed how cold and non-responsive I was. I just gave what I had at the time, updated on when and how much I'll have for the next chunk when she is back and got out of there. This is how it will be from now on this month. Paying weekly chunks and pretending to be fine.
But I am starting to plan my moving the moment I'm able to. But it would help me to stay in this apartment for November, hence why I will try to make nice this month. But any doubts I had about this person are not crystal clear. I should have trusted my intuition before. She's not a friend, never will be, and I will not share anything beyond what I have to with her. I don't care how angry she was and that she had a right to be. I would not speak that way even in anger to someone who is not a friend let alone a 'friend'. Yeah, I have been to her birthday before and yes to other celebration, and we have drank coffees and laughed. I saw a few red flags and they became more with time. With PTSD I spend a lot of time doubting my intuition even though it was usually right. Now I know.
This PERSON, she is my land-lady for the time being. But to me she's an ugly human being I want nothing to do with as soon as humanly possible. She makes me disappointed in humanity. Yes, I owe money, I'm in debt for a long time but it's been worse since my near-suicide period in the spring. I owe her money, I was behind on bills and I own that.
She had every right to throw me out had she chosen and I own that.

But she spoke to me like I was lower than garbage. She broke me at a time when every second mattered knowing all my abuse history. She treated me like garbage and even when I met with her yesterday did not apologize. Probably thought she was in her right since I owe her money, but I don't owe her that attitude. She has anger issues she's shown before, and I DO NOT own that. I AM A HUMAN BEING. I deserve respect. I didn't ghost her, I didn't move without her knowing, I didn't dodge her calls, I didn't lie about my situation and was upfront every step of the way about when I expect to have income.
I DIDN"T deserve to be treated abusively and I own that too.

So in respect to her patience I'll work on paying every cent I owe.
But in respect to myself I will work on moving first chance I get.
She kicked me when I was down, and I lost a week. It is what it is. I went to ballet yesterday and I'm going today. I showed nothing of the last week in class and I'm proud of that. It was awesome and it reminded me how being human feels. I'm going again today. I got a second shot at life, at least for now. And if I'm to make a lot of money, I have to start by treating myself well again, regardless of other people. And my studio is the most nurturing place for that.

Thank you to everyone still reading. Not sure how I would have made the last week without this forum honestly.
So THANK YOU.
Not saying all will be clear skies, I have 3-4 weeks to get myself together, and that will be hard, but I got a chance and that is something.