I'm hanging on a thread

[Ecdysis]

That's not getting better. She keeps texting me more things I'm supposed to pay by that random date before her trip and honestly, if she keeps going I'm not going to be able to function to give her anything.

Okay, so to stay functional, I think you NEED to get her off your back. So lie to her. Tell her you'll give her the money on that date. Just so she stops her crap. And then on that day, tell her you can't. Until then it gives you some silence so you can get yours stuff sorted out.
Tell her a friend will lend you the money and that you'll get it a day before hand.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Okay, so to stay functional, I think you NEED to get her off your back. So lie to her. Tell her you'll give her the money on that date. Just so she stops her crap. And then on that day, tell her you can't. Until then it gives you some silence so you can get yours stuff sorted out.
Tell her a friend will lend you the money and that you'll get it a day before hand.

Great in theory, but what if the day beforehand I tell her and she tells me to be out of the apartment in 24h?

 

[Ecdysis]

I don't know. Obviously, only you can decide and can weigh up the pros and cons. I guess it depends on how crazy the situation with the landlady gets...? If it gets so bad that you're non-functional and basically have nothing left to lose, then I'd lie to buy myself time. Even if it's just a few days to get my emergency measures sorted out. Maybe just keep it at the back of your head as an option, if things get too bad with her.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I don't know. Obviously, only you can decide and can weigh up the pros and cons. I guess it depends on how crazy the situation with the landlady gets...? If it gets so bad that you're non-functional and basically have nothing left to lose, then I'd lie to buy myself time. Even if it's just a few days to get my emergency measures sorted out. Maybe just keep it at the back of your head as an option, if things get too bad with her.

That makes sense. I will wait to see how she responds to all I wrote today. And also how functional I am tomorrow.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I feel like she has no idea what she's saying when she's mad, and not in a joking 'she's overreacting' way but in general. Like she has a double personality or something. She forgets what she's like when she's mad but I'll never forget.
After I wrote all that today to her she wrote me 'who said anything about eviction, pay X (the smaller sum, which I still can't pay but is tangible) by Tuesday is all I said...."

Yeah, right, except literally telling me 'I don't care what you do and if you sell your p**** on the street but get the Y (bigger amount) but that Tuesday as well. Otherwise, I'll come and beat you up, and I'll put your name on social media so you never get a new place in this country, I will remove your name from the police where it's registered and you'll have nowhere to go... No wonder your last landlord evicted you, who would ever take you in, find the money I don't care what was you get them by' (he didn't evict me btw, just chose to sell the apartment rather than keep renting- but I prefer not contradicting her in that mood) Like does she seriously have such a short memory for all the ugly words she spewed yesterday? Either way, I'll pretend if I have to.

@Ecdysis you were right- I told her now ok, I can figure out the smaller amount, just not the other unless my client agreesto early pay. Even though I'm not sure I can pay her anything. But if this allows me to function like a human being until Tuesday that gives me the best chance to make something this week, whatever that means. I have to protect my health and ability to function for now.

After that, I can plan the most nearby chance I have to just move out of that place. She's giving me a whiplash and I can't breathe when she's that mad. It's never going to feel healthy even if I pay everything on time every month. I just need to keep pretending things are fine until I can get out.
I need to get out of that situation. But for now, I just have to see how to handle the smaller payment.(It's maybe 1/5th of what the other payment is so it's way more manageable in any case). And try to maintain my humanity. Seriously.
Her yelling and words triggered me so badly and made me feel so ugly inside I was almost unable to function today. This cannot happen again. And it's not the first time she's gotten this way, though previous times weren't about money. She has a way of making you feel grand if you are in good mood, and like scum if she's not. I've known this for a while.
I just need to handle stuff right now. Then plan getting out of this situation. I still have no clue what to do for the rest of the money, but maybe I can sleep tonight well, and then start fresh in the morning. I had stopped sleeping pills for a while so this is sad, but desperate times and all that... I have to be well slept.

Either way if I don't find the smaller amount there is still 50/50 shot of being kicked out, but I'll have to work like crazy to make sure it doesn't happen.

 

[Friday]

Feel ya.

I lost my place in 2016, because I got sick.

Then Covid meant I couldn’t work, so 2 more years of f*ckery.

Then I was 3mo away from moving with my kid, and? I got fawking sick, again. The kind of sick that has an easy fix (the right antibiotics), but doctors are all 6mo out, so I’ve been sick since May (of 2022), and out of work since October (22). And broke since spring. Most days? I can’t even use my hands. My thumbs are still okay-ish. But I cannot work. I cannot play. Roughly half the time, up to 90% of the time, I cannot think. Like reading the same sentence over and over and not realizing it.

You’ve always found a fix, in the past. And prior to 2016? So did I.

It’s been a reeeeeal hard row, since then, with everything that can go wrong? Going wrong. No luck, except for bad luck.

Life’s gone sideways on you, right now.

It sucks, but you’ve had worse.

Stop doubting yourself.

Stop doubting yourself when things are hard. Hard? Is your fawking balliwick.

 

[scout86]

I feel like she has no idea what she's saying when she's mad,

It's possible that's true. Or at least some version of true. Keeping that in mind, text messages are a good idea. Encourages her to think about what she's saying and gives you a record of what's said.

She's going out of town? So she's not going to be around for a bit past that date? I think, in your situation, I'd try to come up with as much money as possible by her deadline and pay her that, whatever it is. If it's not as much as she'd like, what's she going to do? She's probably not going to reschedule her trip to start the process of throwing you out. No idea what that process might be where you live. You might want to find out. You also might want to check and see if there are any government resources for people about to be evicted.

Around here, liquor stores are great places to get boxes. I know of a couple that pile them up by the door for anyone who needs boxes to take.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Then Covid meant I couldn’t work, so 2 more years of f*ckery.

I feel you there. I was actually unable to work for few years right before covid so I was just coming up for air when it happened. And ever since then it's like wave after wave of something happening.

I lost my place in 2016, because I got sick.

That must've been awful. How did you manage? I've never been in this situation this bad and it terrifies me at a level that only compares to the way I was terrified when I was attacked in another country and just knew anyone that could help was an ocean away. That's how I feel right now,, like I'm an ocean away from people. Everyone is going through something and this one- this one is on me. It makes me wanna scream.

But I cannot work. I cannot play. Roughly half the time, up to 90% of the time, I cannot think. Like reading the same sentence over and over and not realizing it.

How do you deal with that? I always admire the way you think and explain things so much, never imagined you went through all this. I can't even imagine how you're coping.
I can relate to the reading the same sentence thing a little bit. My focus since this began has actually been getting worse every day. I know this feeling I'm getting. It's like a PTSD thing, when my mind starts reeling and spinning and replaying what is happening in broken pieces and I start losing sense of time and place and what season we are in or what I should be doing. Like I'm an inch from breaking apart at the seams.

You’ve always found a fix, in the past.

True, but... it feels like I had a deck of cards. And I kept using and using the cards I had. And the deck became smaller and smaller and smaller. And I used some cards again and again until eventually I couldn't. And yet I kept barely staying in the game. This is how it feels. Like I'm barely staying in the game, but I no longer have cards to play, that can help me now. None that I can play this round anyway.
And my body is pumping so much adrenaline I can barely see straight.

Stop doubting yourself when things are hard. Hard? Is your fawking balliwick.

Thanks. I wish that was true. I'm so afraid that I'm getting literal fever from all of it.

Keeping that in mind, text messages are a good idea.

Some of what she said was in chat. But if I try to show her that she'll spin it somehow like I misunderstood. It's happened in the past even with text messages.

I think, in your situation, I'd try to come up with as much money as possible by her deadline and pay her that, whatever it is.

Unfortunately unless my client answers and can pay earlier, I don't know how to pay anything before her trip. All weekly online things I'm finding will be paid Thursdays or Fridays meaning next one. My actual job I am trying to get paid earlier is holding on a thread because my body is that set off that I don't know which world I'm in. It feels like everything is pulsing and blurring and my chest hurts all day.

If it's not as much as she'd like, what's she going to do?

I do not know, genuinely, but she really scares me to a point where I want to throw up just thinking of the situation. It makes me forget all my work and efforts. When I was traveling back I had such plans for what I was going to do and ever since I met with her in person and the conversations the last 2 days, I can't think straight. It's like my world has become very narrow and very small and I can't see beyond it.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

My life feels like jumping from one car crash to another lately. I might survive this without being evicted (no one know before Wednesday but in any case, I am at a state where I'm working the work I can, and side hustles are at a standstill because of how much the last week combined scared, disgusted, horrifying feelings that crushed me in every single way). I don't know what is worse, worrying about survival in a practical sense or about the future, or about not wanting to wake up, increasingly more each morning.

It feels like I made my bed but that's beside the point while the whole house is crumbling on top of me.

It feels like every effort is digging this hopeless feeling deeper in me, and the adrenal fatigue makes it hard to fight it.
Like once upon a time (last month), I had goals and I was striving to improve and right my wrongs and all that. And now... now I'm just here. Trying not to throw up from how disgusting of a human being I feel for falling into this situation so fast.

 

[Ecdysis]

I'm sorry it's so difficult. If it's any help, I think you're doing a good job of dealing with a crisis - all of the messisness and non-functioning times are to be expected. Anyone else in your situation would also be making a mess of surviving.

Also, if it's of any comfort, I'm in a survival crisis too and just going through it day by day too. I just saw my Dr today and got written off sick from work for 3 weeks because I'm just not coping. And I'm making a shitty mess of things too - sleeping to escape, avoidance, paralysis, overwhelm, doing useless things, making mistakes, having to correct mistakes, feeling miserable and useless througout, feeling like I "deserve" all the bad things that are happening... Anyway, I just write that to let your overwhelmed brain know that others are in similar situations... It's not just you... Hopefully you feel a bit less "lonely" and "isolated" in your crisis situation, that way...

Well done for surviving yet another day and for coping as well as you can.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

If it's any help, I think you're doing a good job of dealing with a crisis

Thank you. I really don't think so, but thank you. I'm holding onto less than a thread, so any word matters I think.

Hopefully you feel a bit less "lonely" and "isolated" in your crisis situation, that way...

Thank you for sharing your situation as well. It sounds terribly hard. It's funny though, isn't it? Reading about what you're going through just made me feel pain for you, sympathy, desire to help.... looking at mine I feel like a trainwreck I can't stop. Funny how the brain works. I wish you weren't going through it, but wholeheartedly thank you for sharing, I have been feeling really alone, more and more talking to people in my real life too. Because they believe in me, but it feels like they don't know what PTSD is like no matter how much of my history they know. But all of you guys in here? You KNOW. It's a bad club to be part of but we help each other. I just wish for a MOMENT where I can relax without the whole thing I am carefully building, again and again, collapsing on me. Just a big, just a few months, until I can breathe again. Though it doesn't work this way, does it?
We have to take what we're given and find a way forward...

Well done for surviving yet another day and for coping as well as you can.

Thank you. Coped terribly and had some worse ideas, but instead I'm on here.
It just hurts.

I had so many plans.
This was going to be ME, taking my life back. Instead I'm knocked back to a peg, waiting to see if I make it in this apartment past Tuesday or Wednesday.
It feels like if there was a moment for grand changes it's now because I need them- but I don't have it in me. ALL my energy goes to this one job that will ensure my survival if I get past Wednesday, and to getting through the days until then, all the time knowing, or rather not knowing, if I'm staying in this apartment.

I am so tired of feeling frozen just because I feel too exhausted from surviving.
I want more. I thought I'd earned more, that I was working really hard on change. Turns out life wasn't done throwing me curveballs.

I am SO EXHAUSTED.

 

[Ecdysis]

So... I'm just writing this so you know that people are wishing you well and care about your situation too and feel sympathy.

I've been thinking whether there's some way I can send you some money... It's not much because I'm financially in a shit situation too, but I'm not in such an emergency situation as you... I've been going back and forth about it in my head and I assume it's against the forum's rules - and probably rightly so.

But still - I've been wondering whether there's some option via a "Go Fund Me" or PayPal or what...

But more important than wether it would be possible via the forum's rules, I think, is that I've been wondering about this issue because I'd like to do one of those random acts of kindness to an almost-stranger to prove that good luck and support is out there in the universe...

I'm hoping that people around you locally will provide some of that random kindness and support in my place...