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I'm hanging on a thread

So I was early to judge the situation. Got a message from my landlord requiring 1/4th of the money I was supposed to have by the end of October by next Tuesday. I have no possible way to get that. Everyone I am close to is struggling. Everyone I am not I have done a good job in isolation from when depressed so I can't seek favors. I can try but it's unlikely.

I am beyond redemption at this point. I played every card. And God, had I known this would go that way I would not have played some of the cards I played in the last months. I feel like I did my best given where I was but I should have known it wasn't enough. And I would crash and burn at some point. Just somehow thought October was the month I finally raise above all of this. I guess not.
I'm getting paid on 8th and now my landlord wants a part by next 4th, a part I have no way to get even a 5th from, not from friends, not from work. I am communicating with my client to get early pay but that is 50/50. What happens now I don't know. The landlord is also threatening to expose me on social media for not paying in a way that no apartment in the city would take me. Not sure that would be the case but one way or another I gotta be out of this space soon. There will be so much collateral, I am not even sure where to begin. All I have build for years and now it might just be .... poof, gone.

If there's time for desperate actions it's now.
How will I be ready for a move and to where I don't know.
How I will find money so fast I don't know.
How I will concentrate on making money out of this air, I don't know.
But this is where I'm at right now.
I have to survive. Today is just gone. I've been crying for 2 hours straight despite of my emergency meds (and no, I will not take extra). I know I need to handle this but I don't think I can do it with my mind like this.
How am I to work and hustle like this?
And look at apartments?
And get by?
I don't really know.

Apparently, I know less than nothing.
But I have to survive.
 
Oh, that sounds so tough.

If you had a good friend, living in the same town, unable to pay rent because of lack of income due to mental health issues, what would you recommend that they do in a similar situation?
 
I don't know. What do you say when life is crumbling all around you besides empty words?

Do your best, but prepare for the worst?

That's the plan I guess. Do all the jobs, start in order of what is definite to be paid in a near future moment.
Ask little favours of anyone you know in terms of storing anything or staying for a night. Start packing things. Start looking for apartments. Look for airbnb for few nights to know the prices. Ask people who may know any emergency services like shelter. Maintain a tight self care and cleaning routine so nothing is left for last moment. Bargain, plead, engage with all people you can think of.
Write everything down. Use anything you still have, hot water, laundry, internet, food, free meditations, working out at home. Do self care daily. meditation, yoga,journaling, crying, screaming, praying, crisis lines, forums. Let it all out so you can function. Mark everything, count everything you still have as a win.

Apply to every job or client, have an online shop work done and promoted daily, do it all, and do it until something works. Bargain all you can bargain but be ready for it not to work. Write everything down to avoid brain fog. Take emergency medication if you need it to keep going. This isn't the moment to hold back.
Ask apartments if any would take me and allow me to pay 4 days after getting the keys(they can throw me out if it doesn't work, so why not). Or if they would allow me to pay part when we meet and part in few days. Try everything you've been afraid to try because you have nothing to lose.

Keep balance between current job, hustling and finding a way to move, and mental health, heavily, daily. Keep consistent sleep and eat schedule to function.
Remember that you have survived harder things and will survive this. Talk to those who encourage you, and take a pause on talking to those that will stress you out more.
 
That sounds like good planning @SeekingAfrica

That's pretty much what I'd advise a good friend too.

I asked it for two reasons: a) you know your town and your situation and hence your options best. And b) I think in our own situation we can get into overwhelm/ freeze/ avoidance because of emotional overload but often we're able to view a friend's situation more rationally and practically/ pragmatically.

I'm wishing you that things go more smoothly than expected and that some good fortune and help and kindness cross your path.

I was in a housing crisis earlier this year too and had many sleepless nights cos of potential homelessness. I got in touch with shelters etc too, just in case. My housing situation isn't fully resolved yet, but it's stable and okay now, which I'm grateful for. I hope your housing situation gets resolved in an unexpectedly positive way too.

And remember, it's not just you struggling with this... Affordable housing has become such a problem for so many ppl....

Is getting a roommate an option to share the rent?
 
That sounds like good planning @SeekingAfrica

That's pretty much what I'd advise a good friend too.

I asked it for two reasons: a) you know your town and your situation and hence your options best. And b) I think in our own situation we can get into overwhelm/ freeze/ avoidance because of emotional overload but often we're able to view a friend's situation more rationally and practically/ pragmatically.

I'm wishing you that things go more smoothly than expected and that some good fortune and help and kindness cross your path.

I was in a housing crisis earlier this year too and had many sleepless nights cos of potential homelessness. I got in touch with shelters etc too, just in case. My housing situation isn't fully resolved yet, but it's stable and okay now, which I'm grateful for. I hope your housing situation gets resolved in an unexpectedly positive way too.

And remember, it's not just you struggling with this... Affordable housing has become such a problem for so many ppl....

Is getting a roommate an option to share the rent?
Words are easy. Truth is I can't stop crying.
Getting a roommate that can fix this- unlikely. Getting myself in a new place with roommate- maybe.

I can ask some friends to help with staying with them for a night or two on a couch, maybe, but all my stuff can't move with me every time so that's big too.
Honestly this reminds me so much of the time I got PTSD and how alone I felt then, that I feel broken. And it's only day 1 of this disaster.

I guess I'll have to compartmentalize.
I can't forget the ugly words my landlord said when she yelled at me, they keep playing over and over in my head. When I said I can have the money but not on that date but 4 days later, and if she's travelling I can send them by Western Union wherever she. She's travelling on 6h, I'd have them on 7th or 8th... She yelled so much. She called me some of the worst things I've been called or thought of myself and when I said I can't find a way to get the money earler she said I have to, doesn't matter if I sell myself on the street, she doesn't care as long as I have the money. Last time I felt so bad was 2018 and I was a lot younger and still had more options I don't today.

Everything feels like a hole, waiting to swallow me and I can't stop crying. At a time when every hour matters. Not cool.
 
Wow she sounds like a winner ?

Following along and saying a prayer for you.

Remember to rest breathe..oh and I saw this little clip yesterday idk if anyone said it yet:

Write a list down of everything (everything!) worrying you.
Then take 30 seconds and cross of all the stuff that is out of your control
 
Wow she sounds like a winner ?

Following along and saying a prayer for you.

Remember to rest breathe..oh and I saw this little clip yesterday idk if anyone said it yet:

Write a list down of everything (everything!) worrying you.
Then take 30 seconds and cross of all the stuff that is out of your control
As I said. When she wants, no one is more generous than her. She gets mad? You don't want to be in her eyesight. Not at all the person I met moving in hence why I was wanting to move anyway, but not like this.

Almost no one (just my abusers) has spoken to me the way she did and it's not going away just because I have to be calm and collected.
I feel like I'm outside of my body and I can't wake up.

No one said that exercise, I will do it today. I know I only have a week (and am I not supposed to get a few to get evicted??). But today I feel in such shock I'm working on the job that is getting paid on 6th in 10min chunks and losing time either crying until I can't anymore or just being in shock. Like laying down, but can't sleep, watching but can't focus kind of thing). I know this is not the time for PTSD symptom, but my whole body is in shock and I may need the day to cope whatsoever. My body is fighting my brain and I feel like I'm swimming. Any work done today is a gift. Any moment I choose not to give up on everything is a win.

I don't know how I'll survive this, but my stupid brain seems so slow. Like I can't catch up to accepting the situation yet. I can't breathe, sleep, eat. I took a notebook and I'm dividing it for this whole situation, this whole unfortunate notebook.
It feels like I'm drowning and I have to be proactive but I'm yet to catch up to my brain losing it first.
 
Like laying down, but can't sleep, watching but can't focus kind of thing).
Yeah I understand this I’m also here
my whole body is in shock
Same right now I feel sick and it sucks so much and I have a lot of important stuff to do as well this week it feels so unfair and like I can’t do it but when I try extremely hard to stay in the present it does help. One thing at a time
feel like I'm swimming.
This was me yesterday ☹️

🫂

Walking is good for adrenal fatigue I know that. Maybe in nature? Look at the trees turn off the phone..sit in the ground under a tree.

Keep us posted good job writing ❤️
 
Sorry about the 💩 with your landlady... That sucks... Power imbalances are often a difficult issue... And much more triggering in times of crisis.

And housing + finances + mental health can be such a nightmare... Especially if you're in a country where you can't get unemployment or disability benefits...

How much of your stuff can you downsize? Can you get rid of 90% of your furniture, if need be? If you need to be very flexible and adapt to possibly changing housing scenarios, can you reduce your stuff to that of a modern nomad? So that you've only got the bare essentials? Sort of like when you're travelling or the way many students have, when they first move out of home? Mattress + a couple of suitcases worth of clothes?

I may need to go down that route myself, too, depending on how my housing situation progresses. Having a lot of stuff can be a burden, if mental health is making our living situation unstable and there's uncertainty about what/ where to next.

I'm currently applying for an "assisted living" program, where a trained psych nurse comes several times a week for a few hours, to help me with the basics because the disability aspect of my PTSD and depression has gotten so much worse over the last few years and I don't see it improving any time soon. It's pretty depressing to think that I need that level of care/ support, but I've been avoiding it/ in denial about it for too long and that's just making matters even worse and more unstable.
 
How much of your stuff can you downsize?
Not much. It's no furniture really, my apartment came furnished. But it is a lot of folders of documents and books and kitchen stuff I really need. Last time I had such crisis I downsized to the bone and regretted it later when I had to buy so many things one by one for that exact reason. I lost so much I can't get back. All I own, I've earned with blood, sweat and tears. I don't want to part with it. Also my clothing is actually minimal and can fit in 2 trunks likely, except I only have one.

But I was thinking to pack a bag/box or 2 with things I don't currently need like out of season clothes I don't need now, some books which can wait and so on- and to ask one friend to keep few boxes, another to keep another few boxes, things like that. And to start that process from this week so if I have to move there is less to pack. And to ask local supermarkets if they can set aside some boxes they would otherwise throw out ready for me. Basically drag the preparation over a week rather than have a day to pack everything and wonder how.

And housing + finances + mental health can be such a nightmare...
Literally. I honestly keep wondering why I still exist which is not a great crisis response. If today is somewhat lost I need to know tomorrow won't be. I don't know how not to feel like that.

Sorry about the 💩 with your landlady
That's not getting better. She keeps texting me more things I'm supposed to pay by that random date before her trip and honestly, if she keeps going I'm not going to be able to function to give her anything.

I know she's angry and that's fair, but it doesn't help me function right now. The times I cried today I haven't usually in a month. I had so many work ideas, but knowing I might leave soon is just making it all seem like I'm pushing against a black wall that doesn't move forward an inch no matter how I push, how bloody my hands get... It just keeps pushing me back towards another wall.

May I ask what type of work do you do?
Freelance translation and transcription. Occasionally freelance drawings, if I find such gigs, which is something I'll try as well.

Same right now I feel sick and it sucks so much and I have a lot of important stuff to do as well this week it feels so unfair and like I can’t do it but when I try extremely hard to stay in the present it does help.
I'm so sorry you're feeling like that also. Despite all my PTSD knowledge at times like this I just feel like my brain is broken and I'm uselessly trying to fix it.

This was me yesterday ☹️
I'm so sorry! Sending hugs if appropriate.

Maybe in nature? Look at the trees turn off the phone..sit in the g
That I'm adding to the daily things. Went to the closest store today (literally crossing the street) and it was so sunny (and my apartment is in shade) that it did feel like a different world. My neighbourhood is pretty green so if I try to go out for some walks daily even for a bit that maybe helping in not losing my mind.

Speaking of losing my mind, I may have done so already.
After all the texting from my landlord about more of the bills she wants paid by Tuesday, I wrote her few long messages. I tried being impartial. Reminded her in person she said 4th, which is Wednesday, not Tuesday, which greatly matters in this situation.
I reminded/asked if she only expect the bills/smaller amount repayed or also the rent I owe. I reminded her that I'm doing everything I can, but given that it may not happen I need to know if she would kick me out Tuesday, or by end of month. The difference is enormous. Reminded her that while she has every right to do all of what she described to me and I can't stop her from doing so, if she plans doing it next week, I'll need to spend money traveling home or finding a hostel/place to crash- hence cutting on money I could be using to pay her back the most I can pay her back.
I expect she will go off on me again, but honestly, this is the truth. The more time I'm spending finding where to live, how to put things in storage and what to do to survive, the more I have to pay for tough choices, the more any payment to her will be delayed. And that is the objective truth, however much I don't like it. She'll eviscirate me in the comments which is why I think I need to find good things to remind myself about who I am so I'm not triggered into being unable to do daily things, let alone work. To remember that I am a person that is bigger than this situation and that I can persist beyond that. This is getting really ugly but the uglier it gets the less I have to lose.

Which might be good for descensitizing me into working and taking crazy risks tomorrow.
And also might remind me that sometimes some people will want to see me cave in and destroyed, so I need to find reasons to not self-combust.
And maybe losing most of today was needed to restore balance in me.

Still waiting on response from the landlord and I'm sure she'll dig me in even more, but I couldn't help myself. Kick a dog enough times and it will bite back whether you had a reason to kick or now. I just lost it and wrote all that to my landlord.
I'm not sure who that person is that wrote it.
There are few times in life where I felt so much with my back against a wall that I felt out of control of what I am doing, and it felt like watching myself from outside and being unable to stop myself. This was one of those times.

I think today may end with some self-care time and some CBT exercises, maybe crisis chat or something so that tomorrow is all work. I know I should prepare for move too, but I'm not sure I'd make any money if I'm trying to do everything at once.
 
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