General I'm just trying to understand more...

[curiousaboutptsd]

I met a guy and I like him a lot. He's a combat vet. First off, he has not said anything at all about having PTSD, so I'm afraid that I'm being presumptuous. But everything that I google, this website keeps popping up. I really want to try to understand him more... but I don't want to pry and ask him about his emotions. I don't want to be an armchair therapist. I do just want to listen and be there for him. He takes immense pride about being a combat vet, serving 2 years in Iraq and he got injured and discharged. Please also excuse me if I use the wrong terms when talking about this. I have like no military experience whatsoever. All of this is brand new to me. But I like him enough to try to understand where his head is. Even if it doesn't work out, I still am really curious about this stuff and I feel sort of ashamed that I never took the time to really understand what combat vets go through, even though I find myself speaking up for vet's rights. I still never really was that empathetic. So, it's shocking to me.

What I've read on various threads here about combat vets doing crappy things to their partners, I like that you guys don't give them any excuse, just because they have PTSD.

This guy that I like, we've been talking for about a month or so. We're not even really dating. He seemed not really my type at first, but then I started talking to him and he blew me away. He's smart, funny and sweet. But all of a sudden he gets these moments where he feels totally dejected and insecure. I try to brush it off and not spend too much time trying to lift him up. I had an insecure boyfriend once and it was unattractive and annoying to having to keep telling him he was amazing, he was enough and that he was good. And I don't want to do it again. But I'm just wondering if this could be a symptom of PTSD or if he's just really like this. Out of the blue, for something minor, he'll say "somehow this is all my fault." And I'll be shocked and confused. I'm just wondering if it's just triggering for him and he finds himself back when he served and he's back at a place where he thinks something was his fault.

Last night he stopped talking to me out of the blue. No good night, no good bye. I sent him a text and haven't heard from him since. I'm not going to put up with this, tbh. But I'm wondering if I should try to give him another chance... if I should bring up the topic of it being some sort of trigger... if I should just say something to that effect if he gets back into contact with me again.

 

[Virtues]

Unfortunately there is no way of knowing. You can only speculate at this point. This could be something other than PTSD; without more information you can't be sure.

My honest opinion is don't pry for an answer. Just get to know him, find out if you like him enough to deal with these imperfections. Most vets don't want to have the "PTSD talk" with someone they just started dating. Give him time to get comfortable with you and if he does have it he will probably get to a point where he trusts you enough to tell you. Maybe he never does; maybe he doesn't even have PTSD. Either way you need to just judge him on his actions without trying to put a name on it. If this is something you can live with then pursue it; if it's not then don't get involved.

 

[Justmehere]

First of all, kudos to you for wanting to learn about PTSD! Eduction is key.

Be careful with assuming he has PTSD. Moments of self blame you don’t yet understand and one night of a missed good night text don’t equate to someone for sure having the major mental health disorder of PTSD.

Again, it’s really good to learn about PTSD and veterans, but be mindful to avoid the trap of seeing e v e r y t h i n g through that lense. When someone is reading all about hammers, things tend to start looking like nails, even when sometimes they are not. Could moments of him being quick to jump to self blame and undeserved guilt be related to past trauma? Sure. It also may not have anything to do with PTSD too. There’s a lot of missing information to know what’s going on for him.

That all being said, what does seem clear is that you (reasonably) need and want a relationship where someone doesn’t have a lot of feelings of undeserved guilt, feels really secure in romantic relationships, and is able and willing to respond to contact (texts or etc) consistently and quickly. These are all very ok things to need and want. You are least likely to find it in a relationship with someone with PTSD. It’s totally possible to find it in some PTSD relationships, but it’s way more common to find these qualities in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have PTSD. If one dropped text conversation one night is relationship-deal breaker for you, a PTSD relationship isn’t likely to work out well.

As far as this specific relationship and what’s going on for him... there could be many explainations for his actions on the text and comments. It could be that he’s more insecure and slow to respond because you are not formally dating and he sees as a friendship or a friendship plus more. His lack of response to a text could be due to being busy or a dead cell phone. Or maybe his grandma died. Or he has an ex who blamed him for everything under the sun and he’s wondering if you are the same. It could be that he doesn’t have PTSD but is struggling with something else. It could be PTSD. It could be so many things. It could be within the range of normal, but is simply something that doesn’t work for you because of past relationships burning you out on how much reassurance-seeking behavior you can tolerate.

Let’s say it is PTSD - even then, I would caution you against hoping this is “just PTSD” and thus it’s not him, with the hope that if he just gets over the PTSD, this will change too.

Instead, figure out if you can accept him as he is now, whatever diagnosis or insecurity he may or may not have. If you are ok with things as they are now, then consider giving it some time to shake out and see whats up, and carry on getting to know each other.

If you are not ok with how he is now, then you can gently let him know or not, and give it more time or shake out or walk away, but don’t stay in this based on the hope he will be different someday. That will set you both up for frustration.

In a very practical sense, PTSD or not, it’s common in most relationships that one person wants to be closer with more contact and the other wants a little more space. It’s rare that the needs for contact and connection line up exactly the same all the time.

Such differences or confusion over texts and expectations in a relationship are a matters to talk through with a partner, preferably face to face, when neither party is already super triggered. I’d also suggest not seeking to use text to resolve conflict or frustration. So much of communication is non-verbal, and on text, so much tone is lost. Especially if someone had PTSD, a stressed out text can push someone away a lot more than waiting until connecting up face to face, and then talking it through. In the end, he’s the one who will know what’s up for him the best anyhow.

 

[curiousaboutptsd]

Wow, thank you both for your comments. You both gave me a lot to think about and it's what I needed to hear. I just needed to bounce my thoughts off of someone.

I'm also really sorry that I wasn't clear about what happened. It wasn't that he didn't text me goodbye, we were right in the middle of texting. It was a group texting session in which one of his war buddy friends was talking with us and I was he was telling me war stories. It was all fun, until I could tell he got upset about a misunderstanding that was just so minute that I didn't understand until later that he got upset about it. He said something about how it was all his fault. He just stopped talking after that. I told his friend "Well, I guess he's done talking for tonight. So, good night" because he didn't respond after that. I said bye to his friend and I went to bed. When I was in bed I texted him (a text between just him and I) and told him that I hope everything was alright. I haven't heard back from him since. Actually, it made me mad. I know that it wasn't just some connection problem or something happened in which he got sick or something because I could see that he read my text.

Anyway, the part where you said that I need to accept him how he is right now and not some better future him is what I need to hear. And I'm not sure if I can accept it. I could probably accept it if he just told me what was going on and I didn't have to guess at it being PTSD or some other thing. If I could just... know what's going on.... I guess I'll see what he says when/if he contacts me and also explain to him that I don't want to be treated like that.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think that it may be in part a difference in texting styles.

Some people see it as non-urgent communication so not responding immediately is something that they may do, even if it’s in the middle of quick-fire responses.

Getting mad because someone read your texts and didn’t immediately respond? Whoa, no, no, no! I had someone do this to me and I was like WTF?!? I was drifting off to sleep during part of the texts (at night) and then waking up for the next part of texts (in the morning). If something is urgent, then call. But getting mad because someone doesn’t respond to a text right after they read it? Not cool. I suggest you BOTH turn off read receipts. IMHO they serve no good purpose.

 

[curiousaboutptsd]

Sigh. I think you're right. I have had issues before when it comes to texting. I actually stopped texting for a while because I read too much into things in a negative way. Whenever we see each other or talk on the phone, it's always awesome. It's like two different people between texting and on the phone.

He responded to me and told me that he was dead tired and he fell asleep. Maybe I was overreacting. Still though, this thread was good and informative. Thanks all!

 

[OrangeJulius]

If I could just... know what's going on....

If you do pursue this relationship.....it is very likely that this is how you will feel ALL the time.