3chrsfor12yrs
Not Active
Hi. I'm new and nervous as all get out. Please try to be patient. I'm trying to sort things out.
I'm transgender. Pre-hopsital was when I identified as a girl. Post-hospital was when I identified as a boy. I've been trying so hard to get rid of her.
So, my psychiatrist never said the words, "you have acute PTSD" because we ran out of time to finish discussing, and I won't see her for a few more months. I was never officially diagnosed, and that's what scares me. I don't know what to think, if I'm making this all up or it's something real that has happened or I'm just whining for attention.
I believe what I experienced two years ago could be classified as a trauma. We got that far, establishing it was a traumatic event in my life.
Two years ago, I was a few hours away from ending my own life. It's really difficult to put in words how depressed and suicidal I was. I attempted before, but never took enough, or never cut deep enough. But one night, I was so exhausted, and I knew that the next night would be the night I would do it. I set up my plan so articulately. I did my research, and the way I would die was flawless. I wouldn't live this time, I was positive. It's really difficult to explain the finality of my situation. I felt like I was at peace, that day, knowing I would die soon. I was ready. I would do it. It would happen.
A couple hours before I could, my dad was snooping in my room and found everything under my pillow. Long story short, I was admitted to the ER, then the local adolescent mental ward or whatever. Three day stay. Hell.
I never thought it was trauma. I never gave it much thought, until a couple months ago. I would've been dead in a few hours. My dad ripped my rug from under my feet. One day I was sitting in my room and all of a sudden, I was watching my past self set up my suicide. I was dissociating hardcore, and it took me a good ten minutes to get grounded again. She was so real, so vivid. A couple weeks passed and I was laying in bed, when I felt her there. She stood over me and turned ugly, dying. She threatened to kill me with the pill I was gonna kill myself with. She screamed in my ear, though I knew in the back of my head that I wasn't hearing a real voice. I was aware she was something my mind was conjuring up.
She's come again and again during the night, threatening to kill me and hurt me. She seemed so real. I feel like she touches me, though there's no physical feeling. It's like I sense her there.
I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just so confused. I don't know if what I was going through are flashbacks or just an active imagination. Am I making it all up? Am I overreacting? Is it PTSD? thank you for letting me in your space. I need it.
-Noah
I'm transgender. Pre-hopsital was when I identified as a girl. Post-hospital was when I identified as a boy. I've been trying so hard to get rid of her.
So, my psychiatrist never said the words, "you have acute PTSD" because we ran out of time to finish discussing, and I won't see her for a few more months. I was never officially diagnosed, and that's what scares me. I don't know what to think, if I'm making this all up or it's something real that has happened or I'm just whining for attention.
I believe what I experienced two years ago could be classified as a trauma. We got that far, establishing it was a traumatic event in my life.
Two years ago, I was a few hours away from ending my own life. It's really difficult to put in words how depressed and suicidal I was. I attempted before, but never took enough, or never cut deep enough. But one night, I was so exhausted, and I knew that the next night would be the night I would do it. I set up my plan so articulately. I did my research, and the way I would die was flawless. I wouldn't live this time, I was positive. It's really difficult to explain the finality of my situation. I felt like I was at peace, that day, knowing I would die soon. I was ready. I would do it. It would happen.
A couple hours before I could, my dad was snooping in my room and found everything under my pillow. Long story short, I was admitted to the ER, then the local adolescent mental ward or whatever. Three day stay. Hell.
I never thought it was trauma. I never gave it much thought, until a couple months ago. I would've been dead in a few hours. My dad ripped my rug from under my feet. One day I was sitting in my room and all of a sudden, I was watching my past self set up my suicide. I was dissociating hardcore, and it took me a good ten minutes to get grounded again. She was so real, so vivid. A couple weeks passed and I was laying in bed, when I felt her there. She stood over me and turned ugly, dying. She threatened to kill me with the pill I was gonna kill myself with. She screamed in my ear, though I knew in the back of my head that I wasn't hearing a real voice. I was aware she was something my mind was conjuring up.
She's come again and again during the night, threatening to kill me and hurt me. She seemed so real. I feel like she touches me, though there's no physical feeling. It's like I sense her there.
I'm sorry this is so long. I'm just so confused. I don't know if what I was going through are flashbacks or just an active imagination. Am I making it all up? Am I overreacting? Is it PTSD? thank you for letting me in your space. I need it.
-Noah
