Undiagnosed I'm New And Confused About My Trauma

[joeylittle]

The thing is, me transitioning is so important to this because I'm trying so hard to forget her, forget that she ever existed. It doesn't even feel like I was a girl. Even that makes me cringe.

My personal advice? You're going through some pretty normal stuff for someone who is recalibrating their gender identity. Normal doesn't make it easy, but if it helps - you're not going crazy, you are proactively dealing with some very complicated feelings and thoughts around your identity past and present. The more aggressively you can work on this stuff with your gender therapist - and I hope that family therapy gets included too - the better you will start to feel.

I'd guess that your planned suicide was a result of gender dysphoria - would you say that was true, or was it something else going on?

 

[3chrsfor12yrs]

My personal advice? You're going through some pretty normal stuff for someone who is recalibrating...

I had no idea about my gender identity until a month or so after I was discharged. My gender identity did not influence my suicide at all. I completely identified as female then. I planned to commit suicide because I was severely depressed and was tired of trying.

 

[anthony]

I planned to commit suicide because I was severely depressed and was tired of trying.

Why? You have not answered this question, yet you continue to lean towards it as your cause of trauma. Your therapist is not telling you a diagnosis because chances are you're being elusive with them as well, so they can't make a decision.

There is another term for this online though... trolling. So are you traumatised or trolling?

 

[EveHarrington]

It could be possible that the underlying gender identity issues were adding to your depression which then lead to your suidide attempt. Just throwing this out there-----we're not always consciously aware of why we feel the way that we do or why we act the way that we do. I actually doubt that the gender identity issues caused no internal conflict until you were consciously aware of them. I have a feeling the gender identity stuff was causing you a great deal of pain underneath-----you just didn't know why until recently. I could be wrong-----this is just my take on it all.

 

[Suzetig]

What I'm reading is that your gender identity issues came about following your suicide attempt, possibly in an effort to get rid of the "identity" that had tried to kill you by attempting suicide? That prior to this you had no issues with your gender identity?

I want to be respectful of your sense of gender identity however I would encourage you to fully explore your suicude attempt, hospitalisation and subsequent gender issues with your therapists - it may be that changing gender is about trying to kill the person who was in so much pain (girl you) rather than having a sense of being born the wrong gender. If that is the case, those issues will come right back to bite you regardless of gender because whatever got you to that place is part of you and needs to be addressed in its own right.

Which I think is what @anthony is getting at by asking you what got you to the point of suicide originally.

 

[Anarchy]

I strongly suspect that what @Suzetig is suggesting is what happened with a friend of mine who transitioned.

I think they left behind the pain that the former identity had suffered.

The two identities had sort of co existed for over a decade.

"where's Paola?"
"she's hanging up in the wardrobe"

I'm not going to ask where Paul is, he may well be dead and buried.

 

[3chrsfor12yrs]

Im

Why? You have not answered this question, yet you continue to lean towards it as your cause of trauma. Your...

I'm sorry. I do not mean to come off as elusive. I'm trying to understand. I'm saying I feel like this is an issue because I came so close to death. I was in that mindset. Then it didn't happen. I've dissociated and watched my past self set up my suicide. I was so close to dying. I'm scared. I'm sorry

 

[joeylittle]

Can you describe what was going on for you around the time of your suicidal planning? Had you been depressed for a long time before? (and if you would be comfortable sharing your age, that might help)

 

[hodge]

Thank you, Joey. I've wanted to ask about age, too. Noah, if you feel you can share that with us, it could really help us help you.

The only time I ever made a suicide attempt I was 12, shortly after my first sexual assult. I took 10 aspirins. For me, it was a suicide attempt. I really thought 10 aspirins would do it,. It put me to sleep for awhile then made me really sick to my stomach. I was pretty disappointed at the time that it didn't work, but later I was so incredibly grateful that it didn't work. I went on to college and had many of the best years of my life. After that, I had another many good years. My point in saying all this is that you may be resiliant enough to have a good life. I'm pulling for you, kid :hug:s

 

[3chrsfor12yrs]

Can you describe what was going on for you around the time of your suicidal planning? Had you been...

I was depressed for a while before hand. I never experienced any physical or sexual assault or abuse. I felt very alone and isolated and every time I tried to reach out to my parents for help, they always ended up hurting me mentally. Which, in retrospect, was not their intention at all. I just wasn't good at communicating. The suicide planning happened when I was 14

 

[3chrsfor12yrs]

I was depressed for a while before hand. I never experienced any physical or sexual assault or ab...

Thank you for your support and patience as I figure this out. It really means a lot

 

[joeylittle]

The suicide planning happened when I was 14

Had you made previous partial or secret attempts? You kind of alluded to them, I'm just wondering (when you said, 'this time, it would work').

And, are you certain your method would have been lethal? @hodge raises a very good point about how younger minds relate to suicide. I attempted when I was 10 - I am pretty sure I was dealing with depression, as a child - I tried to drown myself. While there's a narrow chance I could have succeeded, it would have been more likely to have been by accident during the attempt. I was fully clothed and trying to hold myself at the bottom of a lake, using the kelp and such. I wasn't able to resist the need for air. Had my shoe gotten stuck, or something, I'd not have been able to get to the surface, and I'd have drowned - that's what I mean by there needing to have been an accident during the attempt.

It's possible that, while you believed your set-up was lethal, it may not have been. It doesn't make it any less serious, any less dangerous. It doesn't even change the belief that you held at the time - that you were going to die. But, it can change your view on the event now - and that, in turn, can help resolve some issues.

Thank you for your support and patience as I figure this out.

Happy to help.