Sufferer I'm New. I'm Awful And I'm Sorry. Sometimes I Want Vengeanse More Than Healing.

[anticfox]

I'm awful and I'm sorry. Sometimes I want vengeance more than healing. I don't know how to be here.

 

[Ghostybear73]

It's not awful wanting vengeance. I have had vengeance with one of my abusers and I still seem to be suffering the symptoms of PTSD. I still have extreme anxiety with things around my wrist, ankles and throat. I freak out over the though of anyone getting near me with a needle and these are just a few of things that cause me daily problems. At the time, it felt wonderful to see the pain etched on my abusers face and hear the cries and pleads that came with it. Unfortunately, I still hear those cries and pleads in my dreams as well as my own. Getting vengeance didn't help, in fact, it probably has made my healing more difficult. Sometimes I have to battle the feelings of being the "monster" by doing the things that were done to me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You're ok! It can be a stage in the healing process. I never wanted vengeance, but I did try to track her down online. That sort of sent me over the edge and I reported her and decided from that point my healing was about me.

I hope you can get to the point where your healing is about you. Right now focusing on vengeance may be easier because it is safer? But, in the end, outside of the legal system, there's not much you can do. And oftentimes even if you can do something, it doesn't give you the relief you wanted.

Maybe it would help to remember that in a way, while your focusing on them, they are still winning. Do they deserve a second of your thoughts? Nope. Your thoughts deserve to be on you and your healing. They don't deserve any mental space.

Welcome to the forum.

 

[anticfox]

I am already a monster. I've been arrested and institutionalized for being violent, unfortunately the ones who deserved it didn't get it just bystanders and me. Flashbacks.

 

[anticfox]

Ghostbear, Solara. Thank you.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Anticfox,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!

I always figured that vengeance was best achieved by being the best person I could be and living the best life possible. I refused to be what they told me I was or to get to the level that they were.

Find where you want to be and don't let anything stop you in achieving that goal. You are not a monster, but you may find your reactions are monstrous, and only you have the ability to change them. Seek the help you need and I hope you find the information and support here beneficial.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[rightkindofme]

I'm sorry things have happened to you that cause you to feel that way. I tell myself that every feeling is just a feeling. It will change over time.

 

[Midge1]

Bless your heart. I can remember back when I first learned what had been done to me as a child was considered abuse. I became so angry, I started breaking things. Then, I put a number of cans of gasoline in my car and drove to my father's house at night. I sat there for a long while, contemplating rather I should burn his house down with him in it. I am very grateful I did not go through with it. Going to prison for the rest of my life would only have harmed me more, and done nothing to change what had happened.

I learned something recently that I am sharing with you. I hope you take it in the way I mean it. "The past is to be learned from, not lived in." Sure, you tried the revenge thing, but you know it did not make you feel any better. Right?

Now, you are on a good path, and I hope you keep moving forward. Forgiveness of yourself is even harder than forgiving others. At least I have found that to be true.

Midge

 

[Reds]

I can relate to this, I wanted so bad to shoot my abuser and that desire was getting stronger to an extend where I got myself a gun. That's when I knew I was loosing control and eventually discussed it with my therapist. And for many sessions we exercises where she made me imagine shooting him dead. She also told me we can always shoot him in-session every time I felt like it. Those exercises made me feel better until I gave up the gun. Maybe you might also want to discuss what you want to do to your abuser and how that would make you feel. Someone might see it as stupid exercises but they truly worked for me and gave me the satisfaction in imagining them in pain and suffering

 

[WillyKat]

Wanting vengeance and even fantasizing about it are perfectly normal. I would add that it's a lot better than the anger going inward.
It will take a long time to let that go.

Here's a thought that might help: the best revenge is to live well.

 

[Candleflames]

Hi Anticfox and Welcome.

I think feeling horrible and monstrous are common emotions for many people who have survived horrible circumstances. They are just feelings not the truth of who we are. I'm sorry you are suffering with these emotions right now. It's hard work but these feelings can change. It can get better. And like others have said the best vengeance is to heal and make a good life for yourself.

 

[anticfox]

Thank you all. I haven't figured out the site enough to respond individually.