I'm Not In A Good Mood

[Chava]

Don't read this, especially if you have active self harm triggers. I want to cut myself up, particularly my ankles and my arms. I won't but I've been visualizing my ankles. But I might burn something. I totally flipped from feeling connected to my body to just disconnected and really angry at it. REALLY DISCONNECTED. I've been sliding into depression, new hormones are kicking my ass, and I think I just hit my limit for sadness and simply detached. There is nothing in between or no other options. If my ankles were bleeding I'd be alive in a way.

Mainly I need sleep. I don't know why I try so hard to take care of this body. Together, we have almost nothing. I was just hugging a foam roller. I just distract myself with being good at certain things but they don't make me feel like I exist for long enough anymore. Maybe this will all go away...like a little storm I'm in. But I want to cut up my legs. I don't care about them at all. We are all like strangers to each other, all these body parts.

 

[darrenS]

please stay well , go for a walk , sketch, scream, or yell , but dont give your demons another victory.

 

[Chava]

It doesn't really matter what they do. We're all glued together. But thank you. I need to try to sleep and hope that helps.

 

[Leigh925]

Sending good thoughts your way. I had a tough week with similar issues. You are so right!! Taking care of these traumatized yet healing bodies is so difficult!

I also realized this week I haven't slept very well. I haven't eaten well. I can't decide which comes first....I don't eat and sleep well and because I am depleted it is easier to be overwhelmed or I become overwhelmed and don't eat or sleep well. I do think that I am starting to figure out that breaking the cycle for me starts with better self care even when I feel the least like it but it is really hard to do when I am in the midst of it. My therapist has started asking how I am doing with eating and sleeping because he also sees the connection. I wish I had something helpful to say to ease your pain. I only can say that you are not alone. I understand and I wish for you peace of mind!

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Chava you are having a rough go of it these past few days. What has worked for you in the past to get out of a funk? I hear in your posts a lot of loss and sadness. I understand the compulsion to cut. It just is not a useful coping mechanism. The effects of feeling the pain dissipate don't last very long and then we're scarred and wounded. It is the opposite of self care.
I have the same monkey on my back. Even right now it's 3:00 in the middle of the night and I can't sleep. My mind just races and races while my body screams in pain. Enough already damn it.
I try to find something to look forward to. Reiki, yoga walking anything to keep moving and produce endorphins.
I am sending peacefilled thoughts your way and hope that this chasm you're in releases you. Hang in there. You have great advice and a lot of self awareness, I admire that. When the trauma comes a'knockin' you have to open the door. It's ok to slam it shut if need be. It's better I think for triggers to come forth slowly but no way they just smack us and drive us to our knees.
I'm kind of hoping your meds need some tweaking. If you are anemic from blood loss you'll feel like shit.
Well I'm going to bed again I hope you are sleeping too.

 

[Springer80]

Hi Chava, I've copied this from where I posted it on a different thread about the nature of dissociation. I wanted to put it here so you can see where it comes from. Your wanting to self harm, with this information in mind might help you understand your feelings.


SUMMARY OF ABSTRACT

- Neglect of attachment needs may leave a person with fewer receptors for endogenous opiods (natural morphine) because these receptors are formed during good attachment experiences
- Chronic childhood trauma and abuse induces repeated flooding of the system with endogenous opiods, one of the consequences of which may be dissociative phenomena (which can pass largely unnoticed in a secretive, isolated, highly adapted childhood where attachment figures have a vested interest in keeping it so)
- The dissociative phenomena are much less functional and understandable in adulthood, especially away from the context they formed in, particularly where denial is the norm (societal also)
- A survivor's capacity for pleasure and well-being may be reduced by their paucity of opioid receptors, making any emotion at all feel overwhelming and out of control
- With consciousness and day to day life preoccupied with PTSD triggers, flashbacks, sleep disturbance, anxiety and depression, somatic consequences etc etc etc a survivor's rare or only experiences of something approaching well-being may be when flooded with endogenous opioids during dissociative experiences, or other opioid-inducing behaviours such as self-harm, addictive behaviours, eating disorders, OCD and so on, and therefore 'habit-forming'
- Therapy sessions may precipitate flooding with endogenous opioids and consequent dissociative phenomena, hence by blocking the opioid receptors with Naltrexone the survivor may be assisted in amending behaviours that have become unhelpful, and would otherwise be extraordinarily difficult to change due to their addictive nature


More information

International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation: Frequently Asked Questions on Dissociation:
http://www.isst-d.org/education/faq-dissociation.htm

International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation: Guidelines for Treating Dissociative Identity Disorder in Adults:
http://www.isst-d.org/education/treatmentguidelines-index.htm

MIND: Understanding Dissociative Disorders:
[DLMURL="http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/dissociative_disorders"]http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/dissociative_disorders[/DLMURL]

 

[Bookoffee]

@Chava I hope today is nicer to you. I feel the pain and urges you go through. I hate being in that state of mind. I wish I had helpful words for you to help cope with these urges. Do you like to read? I will read small books like funny cat pictures or comics strips to bring out the lighter side. Sometimes mindless reading and pictures help center me when I have urges.

 

[Glara]

You mentioned hormones, are you on HRT? I'm not a ptsd sufferer, but I've suffered from bouts of depression my entire adult life, largely due to hormones. When I was younger birth control pills were actually very helpful to me. They stabilized my hormones and my mood. Some people experience the opposite effect. I know changing hormones won't cure you, but some type of change may help.

 

[Chava]

@Glara I don't know if I can do a smaller dose or what. I'm on hormones for suspected endometriosis, which was also hell (more panic and then pain/exhaustion followed by depression because I've shrunk my life and am sick of my body). Regular birth control doesn't work well for me anymore...heart palpitations, etc. I don't know what I'll do.

 

[Chava]

@Leigh925 @KwanYingirl @Bookoffee thank you...I don't have anything to say today but thanks.

@Springer80 interesting...in treatment for alcoholism I befriended a sobering-up heroin addict. She explained that high. I am glad I never came across heroin (helped that I had no friends, though I probably accidentally smoked some crack at a party...I mean, I wouldn't actually remember). I'm sure I'd be long dead if I had gotten into heroin.

 

[Bookoffee]

I had to have a complete hysteroctomy in my mid twenty because of the same issue. I went in to have a cyst removed and I was told that my insides were so damnged, located wrong, scared tissue that they had to remove everything. There was never a chance of me carrying.

I was on HRT for 10 or so years. Ended up getting four blood clots in my lungs and now I will be on Comadin for the rest of my life. The HRT's messed with my emotions and body.