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I'm so close to losing hope

You are NOT your bank balance.
I'm really waiting for this to sink in. My parents expected me to be their bank balance eventually. My PTSD I wasn't aware needed treatment lead to my relationship breaking and losing my job in a single week 6 years ago. For the first 3 I could barely work until I got help (even online) and as a result I've spend 3 years barely covering my main needs and constantly paying off debt, and the moment I think I'm getting the hang of it something really huge happens. I guess it's like when you remind sick people that their worth isn't equal their disability, but man, when I'm struggling so much I know there is a whole lot I could do to improve things if I had just a tiny bank balance, just something to start anything with.
Years have passed, I'm no longer afraid of my shadow, and if I had some of the chances I had back then- I would have made such a good income or side income. I know there is no sense in playing the if game but today is really hard not to.

Would for that one sentence to sink in, to truly believe it.
I amazed you could speak up and articulate what you did, because not being able to hold your own boundaries goes hand in hand with being beaten down, exhausted, frightened, +/or not feeling well.
I think maybe I have learned a thing or 2 over the years of therapy? Or maybe it was just that I knew I had no other options, besides what I can offer- calmly and persistently- I have no more money, but I want to make a plan for what I owe. You want to sue me- try, got nothing right now. You want to go to police, fine- I can't magically manifest money. She also suggested things like taking them from friends and family knowing that they are worse off. I think maybe in her frustration she thought I was lying for -for what?? Like I was living in luxury but not paying her? Like that made sense. Like if she scared me enough I'd somehow find the money. But I had what I had to give her and no more. I paid the bills, filled my bus card for many reasons, left myself 20-30$ for just a bit of food and all else went to her. Now, honestly, had I known she'd anyway tore me to shreads, I might have paid her a little less so that I can do something with the money left, something meaningful that I'm planning so I can make more soon.
The writing-down of what needs to be paid is a budget, or the new term money management.
I've done that, I just go through periods of making nothing, accruing debt, then making just enough, starting to pay off, then something happens (2020 for example) and suddenly I can barely cover my basics, and round we go in circles.
She is not worth the grief she has caused you, but I understand being exhausted it is also near impossible to not shake it off.
I was starting to shake it off. I went to ballet, where I paid off half of the 3 months I owe (and no one said to me one bad word in contrast!), I got hugs and dancing and socialising and it was great. Planning to continue. I also saw my bff whom I hadn't seen in a month, which was so sweet. All that made me feel like me again. But today I had to go pay her a payment that was all my left money, and be calm and cordial while she 'recalculated' again what I am left to give her and confirmed what and when. I left with so much HATE in my heart and I never hate.
I left and burst into tears. Because to her the yelling and the threats had been nothing and she didn't make apologies and acted like none of it happened, but I was still left feeling with all the impact of our last encounter. Feeling so low and worthless. So I was calm and cordial and decided she'd never again hear me share anything (she used all she knew about me against me in her threats)-like saying she knows how much I make and even if it's not every month this year I could have saved. She may know what I make but she doesn't know how close I came to not living, how much therapy and effort cost me, nor what it was coping with a tooth infection and other things in the middle of that. Or that I'm not worried my hair is falling out but can do nothing so I ignore it. She took the information she knew and she obliterated me with it, so she's never getting anything more than single words and the intended payments out of me until I have the capability to move out- and if I have paid my debt at that point I'm sure she'd be shocked at why I'm leaving. But I paid today and then I went out, and got some psychology books from the library and walked home and cried until I got a migraine, She still has a hold on me. And seeing her in 2-3 weeks again is not nearly long enough, but it's something.
You need good people, happiness and reduced stress to buffer
I've been doing this as mentioned above. It was starting to work too and now I have migraine from crying after seeing her again. She disgusts me. I will pay my debt eventually because it's who I am. I didn't use what I know about her previous tenants because of who I am. But she'll stay an ugly person on the inside because it's who she is.
I'm glad you are over this.
Not even close. I wish I was. Glad to be over the deadline though. So this is one step forward. But there are still moments, When everything is so hard I wonder how to keep going. When I just don't want to deal with myself. When I'd give anything to have my current mindset but few years ago. When I want to be from those people with huge overwhelming faith in God because it would be so calming, but I am just me. When I know there are things I can do, but it seems so much, so hard. Like I tried so hard from April for her to just crush everything I worked for so hard in a second, an hour, an afternoon. Like I worked so hard for something that almost no one sees or acknowledges.
It seems that your basic survival isn't safe, and that's enough to throw anyone into a depression.
Yup. Right there. And I had a plan, I had a plan, and I'm so fragile, that even though maybe I can continue with the plan in 10 days, actually 8 days- it seems like forever. It seems crushing. It seems like every day matters in this situation and I have 1 month to prove to my landlord I can pay the next part and my bills (which is MORE than what I usually make. And I have a plan, but I don't know if I'm strong enough. And a parts of me wants to be. And a part of me is just exhausted.
For me this means taking a break from life every single afternoon and doing self care.
That may have to be me too, to have a chance at continuing.

I want to be bigger than this. Look for job, apply for clients, while building an online shop for free- until I can invest a bit to make a physical product which has worked in the past. I want to be bigger than words. I want to be bigger than feeling that when I have 0 in my pocket/bank I must do something to get some asap and plan future later. Having monthly bus pass and prepaid sim is soothing, it means I can go to ballet every weekend, I can go look for jobs, every without money I can take walks with friends... without car or bike, monthly bus pass is some freedom whether I have food or not.

But MAN, I feel so small today.
I might be able to do something in 8 days, but I can't sit idle until then. I can't leave things to chance ever again. I must find a path forward.
But I feel so small. And so, so tired. Tonight at least.
 
And I have a plan, but I don't know if I'm strong enough.
Try shifting it around. Because we NEVER know if we’re strong enough… until it’s done. So try replacing that unanswerable question zinging around your head and heart with…

…Are you sneaky enough? Determined enough? Tired enough? Pissed off enough? Curious enough? Motivated enough? Irritated enough? Contrary enough? Stubborn enough? Smooth enough? Practiced enough?

Whatever thing, or combination of things, is actually driving you. And lean on that.
 
Keep writing so I know you're safe.
I am safe. I don't feel well these few days(flashbacks and else) but I am safe. Thank you for caring. 🫂
Pissed off enough?
That. That I am. Because it feels like that woman took the progress I'd made since April and stomped on it until it was dust.
She took my peace. That's not okay, even if I might deserve some of it.

But I am tired, in the very unmotivated way. In an I-took-the-first-steps and discovered how little I know, how much I actually don't know.
So much is going on and I feel like it's too much. Today all I could do is go to my balcony and back in, I'm too anxious.
For going to the store, or for going for materials. Plenty to do at home but I'm so overwhelmed.
Might need to take a step back for a second and evaluate.

Two steps forward, one step back. At least I'm still moving.
 
Some days feel like I'm moving forward. Others feel like I'm slipping away, but in the most painful way possible.
Because I have ties now. I never believed I'd have more people caring about me and friends and community.
I never believed anyone would care what I did. I thought if someone did it would make it easier on the bad days. It makes them possible I guess, which is something. Possible to have them and not be fully destructive even if I feel like it.

This week is harder than it should be.
I'm so lost. So scared that anything I'm starting will be silly, that my efforts are ridiculous. And all that comes with the flashbacks just makes it worse.
I wonder if there can truly be an empty slate. Not in the new identity kind of way. I love my community. I don't really like ME right now.
 
I have to be honest. Life hasn't given up on me yet. And I have a plan. But the plan just got doubled (need to maybe do double the work.
And it is breaking me. There is so much I still need. I take few steps forward and 10 more show uo, like those mythical dragons of which you slay 1 head and 3 appear in its place. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted.

And days like today nothing outside has pushed me.
Nothing will threaten me at that exact day.

But everything is SO HARD that I just ...I am exhausted. I feel like I've been fighting since April to get back up and the last 2 months squashed me back down.
And I need triple the strength, but got nothing. It's stupid.
I'm sure there are people with a lot bigger problems. I even know some. But I'm just so exhausted of life I'm daydreaming of doing nothing. Of having one month where I don't have to fight like this. I feel like there won't be any relaxing until February. I feel like what I need to do and my capabilities? Not matching. Mostly, I feel like I need to sleep a lot again.
I've always told myself that if I lose in life it will never be for quitting on any challenge, never. But I'm just so exhausted. I feel like I get a reprieve for a moment, and before I get used to what normal feels like again, it slips under my feet again. Like I was able to feel normal for a moment and now all the hard things are so much harder. Like what I know I can do, the resources I have, it's all getting so messy and messed up.

I just want to NOT think about 5 jobs(2 of which online shops actually) at the same time for a second. I just want my home to be in order and to be able to workout without losing the focus on the job and vise versa. And I still need to deal with my mental and physical health, for both of which I can do limited things. But more things than I think I can. I am just exhausted. Like life is too heavy.
Which is stupid, because few weeks ago every day I was sure I'd be evicted and you'd think now I'd be working 16h days to prevent that. But I'm so exhausted like I have so little left. Like I used up my courage or whatever and now the voice telling me I'm stupid for applying or creating something gets louder and louder.

I felt recharged for a moment, and since that flashback or whatever it was? EVERYTHING is a mess or a burden, or exhausting.
I haven't given up. Maybe I'm genetically unable even if it would be good for others.
But I'm just so TIRED.
 
I have to be honest. Life hasn't given up on me yet. And I have a plan. But the plan just got doubled (need to maybe do double the work.
And it is breaking me. There is so much I still need. I take few steps forward and 10 more show uo, like those mythical dragons of which you slay 1 head and 3 appear in its place. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted.

And days like today nothing outside has pushed me.
Nothing will threaten me at that exact day.

But everything is SO HARD that I just ...I am exhausted. I feel like I've been fighting since April to get back up and the last 2 months squashed me back down.
And I need triple the strength, but got nothing. It's stupid.
I'm sure there are people with a lot bigger problems. I even know some. But I'm just so exhausted of life I'm daydreaming of doing nothing. Of having one month where I don't have to fight like this. I feel like there won't be any relaxing until February. I feel like what I need to do and my capabilities? Not matching. Mostly, I feel like I need to sleep a lot again.
I've always told myself that if I lose in life it will never be for quitting on any challenge, never. But I'm just so exhausted. I feel like I get a reprieve for a moment, and before I get used to what normal feels like again, it slips under my feet again. Like I was able to feel normal for a moment and now all the hard things are so much harder. Like what I know I can do, the resources I have, it's all getting so messy and messed up.

I just want to NOT think about 5 jobs(2 of which online shops actually) at the same time for a second. I just want my home to be in order and to be able to workout without losing the focus on the job and vise versa. And I still need to deal with my mental and physical health, for both of which I can do limited things. But more things than I think I can. I am just exhausted. Like life is too heavy.
Which is stupid, because few weeks ago every day I was sure I'd be evicted and you'd think now I'd be working 16h days to prevent that. But I'm so exhausted like I have so little left. Like I used up my courage or whatever and now the voice telling me I'm stupid for applying or creating something gets louder and louder.

I felt recharged for a moment, and since that flashback or whatever it was? EVERYTHING is a mess or a burden, or exhausting.
I haven't given up. Maybe I'm genetically unable even if it would be good for others.
But I'm just so TIRED.
Could you try to make lists for things you need to focus on each day? Would that help you to stay more tune in what is happening presently and feel less like you need to figure out everything right now? Have you scheduled any day off or are you working 7 days a week? Do you meet your friends regularly?
One another thing I wonder whether there are some forums for self employed people/ entrepreneurs that are in a likewise situation than you and might have ideas how to navigate stresses involving having multiple part time jobs? Because I think it's fairly common situation nowdays?
 
If you could have the life you want, what would it be? How much would you work and what kind of work would you do? What would your fun look like? Would you read, watch TV, do sports? Would you join book clubs, crafting clubs, or other things that move you? I think your present plan to get out of this is not really working for you, maybe you could shift your goal?
 
I think your present plan to get out of this is not really working for you, maybe you could shift your goal?
Makes sense but what if my current goal is so tightly intertwined into things that need to happen (debt, income, etc) that there is no way anything else can supersede that?
I know for sure I wouldn't try to work several jobs, I'd have the one I actually enjoy right now out of those, study for MA even at my age, finally get driver's license and date, build savings, and spend few months combining that with regular therapy and food and fitness work until I feel myself enough to answer what I want my future to look like. For a short time in the summer it looked like I was working in that direction, but then it all crashed down. I know it's not me, this person always on the verge of giving up because there's a crisis.

And yet I must go through this. Those seem to be the stages. Do enough to survive and pick myself up, build foundations for a better ilfe, decide what a better life looks like...

Could you try to make lists for things you need to focus on each day?
I was a great planner(bullet journal) for many years, but lately my head is all fuzzy from everything. Mostly I write lists for remembering that there are things to do. But I'm anxious so trying to write list would end up 40 items of several hours each in a 24h period(what I think I should be doing vs, reality).
Have you scheduled any day off or are you working 7 days a week? Do you meet your friends regularly?
Nope. I don't schedule days off. To be honest they sort of just find me when I'm too tired mentally or physically. I call the plan B days. Days when I just can't do what I should. However I do in good or most times go to ballet twice a week, which sustains me mentally, and I do normally see friends. I didn't for the last 2 months for one reason or another and seeing about 1 each week seemed helpful - also with my best friend it ends up many hour hangout so it's not a day but half a day for sure.
I also started listening to compassion meditations on the bus (someone on here recommended them once, Dr, Kristin Neuff I believe). That seems to be calming when the bus is overcrowded.
I wonder whether there are some forums for self employed people/ entrepreneurs that are in a likewise situation than you and might have ideas how to navigate stresses involving having multiple part time jobs?
Probably are, I will look into that.
Today is... not greatest to be honest.
My plan included dealing with the freelance client I don't like as 50% of my income this month and I was informed she won't have anything for 5-6 weeks... I don't always like her but I have worked with her for years. Hence it's like losing my job. I need to have my next landlord pay by the end of the month, which is still plenty of time to do something, but not to start a fully new job(they are paid monthly here). More like anything under the table, by day, side gigs and anything such, so it looks my juggling few jobs will have to get very efficient.
Because most gigs are limited to how much you make at the start I have found 6 'ways' to earn money(including my online shops) and out of all those the shops, making jewelry, maybe drawing are the only ones I actually enjoy- yet I'm the most scared to do because people here are quick to tell you making money any other unconventional way doesn't work. Another reason I like ballet. When I asked them to pay later because I lost my job and I want to invest in my side gig and pay them in few weeks if they agree- they agreed with no hesitation. They seem to have the warmest, limitless belief in me I so much need.

Anyway, got the news about the client yesterday morning and was literally sick and throwing up all day.
And today is the fallout. Couldn't even sit up for most of the day. Wanted to go to the jewelry materials store or at least the big supermarket for cheaper healthy food and I bately made it to the closest store to me, walking distance. Since then I've been sleeping like I'm on meds(and didn't take anything from the morning) and eating in patches, even though I slept normally. I think it's my body avoiding the information, or trying to digest it. Not sure which.

I can't turn the clock back, but I hope being on here snaps me out.
And that I manage to at least make a game plan for the rest of the weeks this month somehow.
 
I know it's probably not helpful @SeekingAfrica , but we can only really focus on the what-you-have's vs the what-if's. You have these blessings you didn't expect. Banish the what-if's (fortune telling) and the woulda-coulda-shoulda's. (Stop shoulding on yourself as they say).

Hugs to you. 🫂
 
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