I'm really waiting for this to sink in. My parents expected me to be their bank balance eventually. My PTSD I wasn't aware needed treatment lead to my relationship breaking and losing my job in a single week 6 years ago. For the first 3 I could barely work until I got help (even online) and as a result I've spend 3 years barely covering my main needs and constantly paying off debt, and the moment I think I'm getting the hang of it something really huge happens. I guess it's like when you remind sick people that their worth isn't equal their disability, but man, when I'm struggling so much I know there is a whole lot I could do to improve things if I had just a tiny bank balance, just something to start anything with.You are NOT your bank balance.
Years have passed, I'm no longer afraid of my shadow, and if I had some of the chances I had back then- I would have made such a good income or side income. I know there is no sense in playing the if game but today is really hard not to.
Would for that one sentence to sink in, to truly believe it.
I think maybe I have learned a thing or 2 over the years of therapy? Or maybe it was just that I knew I had no other options, besides what I can offer- calmly and persistently- I have no more money, but I want to make a plan for what I owe. You want to sue me- try, got nothing right now. You want to go to police, fine- I can't magically manifest money. She also suggested things like taking them from friends and family knowing that they are worse off. I think maybe in her frustration she thought I was lying for -for what?? Like I was living in luxury but not paying her? Like that made sense. Like if she scared me enough I'd somehow find the money. But I had what I had to give her and no more. I paid the bills, filled my bus card for many reasons, left myself 20-30$ for just a bit of food and all else went to her. Now, honestly, had I known she'd anyway tore me to shreads, I might have paid her a little less so that I can do something with the money left, something meaningful that I'm planning so I can make more soon.I amazed you could speak up and articulate what you did, because not being able to hold your own boundaries goes hand in hand with being beaten down, exhausted, frightened, +/or not feeling well.
I've done that, I just go through periods of making nothing, accruing debt, then making just enough, starting to pay off, then something happens (2020 for example) and suddenly I can barely cover my basics, and round we go in circles.The writing-down of what needs to be paid is a budget, or the new term money management.
I was starting to shake it off. I went to ballet, where I paid off half of the 3 months I owe (and no one said to me one bad word in contrast!), I got hugs and dancing and socialising and it was great. Planning to continue. I also saw my bff whom I hadn't seen in a month, which was so sweet. All that made me feel like me again. But today I had to go pay her a payment that was all my left money, and be calm and cordial while she 'recalculated' again what I am left to give her and confirmed what and when. I left with so much HATE in my heart and I never hate.She is not worth the grief she has caused you, but I understand being exhausted it is also near impossible to not shake it off.
I left and burst into tears. Because to her the yelling and the threats had been nothing and she didn't make apologies and acted like none of it happened, but I was still left feeling with all the impact of our last encounter. Feeling so low and worthless. So I was calm and cordial and decided she'd never again hear me share anything (she used all she knew about me against me in her threats)-like saying she knows how much I make and even if it's not every month this year I could have saved. She may know what I make but she doesn't know how close I came to not living, how much therapy and effort cost me, nor what it was coping with a tooth infection and other things in the middle of that. Or that I'm not worried my hair is falling out but can do nothing so I ignore it. She took the information she knew and she obliterated me with it, so she's never getting anything more than single words and the intended payments out of me until I have the capability to move out- and if I have paid my debt at that point I'm sure she'd be shocked at why I'm leaving. But I paid today and then I went out, and got some psychology books from the library and walked home and cried until I got a migraine, She still has a hold on me. And seeing her in 2-3 weeks again is not nearly long enough, but it's something.
I've been doing this as mentioned above. It was starting to work too and now I have migraine from crying after seeing her again. She disgusts me. I will pay my debt eventually because it's who I am. I didn't use what I know about her previous tenants because of who I am. But she'll stay an ugly person on the inside because it's who she is.You need good people, happiness and reduced stress to buffer
Not even close. I wish I was. Glad to be over the deadline though. So this is one step forward. But there are still moments, When everything is so hard I wonder how to keep going. When I just don't want to deal with myself. When I'd give anything to have my current mindset but few years ago. When I want to be from those people with huge overwhelming faith in God because it would be so calming, but I am just me. When I know there are things I can do, but it seems so much, so hard. Like I tried so hard from April for her to just crush everything I worked for so hard in a second, an hour, an afternoon. Like I worked so hard for something that almost no one sees or acknowledges.I'm glad you are over this.
Yup. Right there. And I had a plan, I had a plan, and I'm so fragile, that even though maybe I can continue with the plan in 10 days, actually 8 days- it seems like forever. It seems crushing. It seems like every day matters in this situation and I have 1 month to prove to my landlord I can pay the next part and my bills (which is MORE than what I usually make. And I have a plan, but I don't know if I'm strong enough. And a parts of me wants to be. And a part of me is just exhausted.It seems that your basic survival isn't safe, and that's enough to throw anyone into a depression.
That may have to be me too, to have a chance at continuing.For me this means taking a break from life every single afternoon and doing self care.
I want to be bigger than this. Look for job, apply for clients, while building an online shop for free- until I can invest a bit to make a physical product which has worked in the past. I want to be bigger than words. I want to be bigger than feeling that when I have 0 in my pocket/bank I must do something to get some asap and plan future later. Having monthly bus pass and prepaid sim is soothing, it means I can go to ballet every weekend, I can go look for jobs, every without money I can take walks with friends... without car or bike, monthly bus pass is some freedom whether I have food or not.
But MAN, I feel so small today.
I might be able to do something in 8 days, but I can't sit idle until then. I can't leave things to chance ever again. I must find a path forward.
But I feel so small. And so, so tired. Tonight at least.