I'm so close to losing hope

[Ecdysis]

something like an extended breakdown

Yeah, to be honest, it sounds like that to me as well... I keep hoping you'll cope and am crossing my fingers for you things will improve, but at the same time it's also a bit like watching a (potential) slow-motion breakdown...

I'm wondering whether you have access to inpatient care where you are/ whether your health insurance covers it?

Would it be an option to rent a small storage space, like a small garage or something, put your stuff in storage, cancel your lease on your flat and get inpatient care until you're better and then with the help of their social workers etc find a more affordable place? I don't know what the system is like in the country you live in, but in many/ most western countries, if someone's basically "homeless" (ie. without an apartment or room where they can live) then a place like a hospital is sort of "responsible" for helping that person find at least some kind of accomodation, even if it's temporary like in a shelter, while seeking more long-term housing.

If I were just looking at your health, that's probably what I'd suggest. But looking at the overall situation (health insurance, your country's health care system, finances, housing) I don't know how feasible it is to prioritise your health that way...?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Ecdysis most of that is not an option for me. As a foreigner I need an official address.
Also many other red tape which I'm too exhausted to get into.

Lifelong friend offered me to stay with her so I pay nothing until I'm better and spend time with her family- but she's in another country.
The way I'm intertwined with obligations here, I can't just pack a bag and leave.
But to un-twine myself will require basically getting myself at least partially better.
In-patient might not be an option, but 3-day hold might- though not sure who is that helping unless I'm really at my worst. The terrible and funny thing is that mental health call numbers are all within office hours- God forbid you're feeling dark late at night or on the weekend....

Money wise, I talked my landlord into one extension, so I need half by end of month and half 10 days later, so that cut pressure in half. Trying to get a loan, if I can and cut the rest in half- I have a real chance of being okay working normal hours.
Which will need a very strict self care plan and some sort of therapy weekly, it's no longer luxury expense, I have to do it. So on Monday I'm calling all free or cheaper expenses to do something about it, see what I can figure out. My health care is no longer optional, I have to accept that. Maybe that will help with the work part.

I'm sad, because over the years I've made system that helped me and now most of them aren't. I can't look at my apartment, my clothes, my things. My life feels like it needs extreme makeover though that may or may not be the disease talking.
But yeah. I'm not on my own, not disregarding the ways in which friends help me- but I also can't do inpatient and I have to finish my rent debt and few other obligations before I can untabgle my life aenouth. And once again usually a good planning system saves me, but now nothing is working like it worked before...

I'll be honest. I have no idea if I make sense, I change my mind frequently and it's hard- but every opportunity coming my way seems to be from January onwards so I have to make it til then.
Also I'm considering going to that friend for a trial 1 month visit- not giving up anything here, still paying, whatever, but may alleviate some pressure and give new perspective. Though I'm scared of her family seeing me like that. But maybe useful too, as I said.
Anyway, that still wouldn't happen before Christmas, so... for now I'm taking it week by week.

 

[abovedown]

@Ecdysis most of that is not an option for me. As a foreigner I need an official address.
Also many other red tape which I'm too exhausted to get into.

Lifelong friend offered me to stay with her so I pay nothing until I'm better and spend time with her family- but she's in another country.
The way I'm intertwined with obligations here, I can't just pack a bag and leave.
But to un-twine myself will require basically getting myself at least partially better.
In-patient might not be an option, but 3-day hold might- though not sure who is that helping unless I'm really at my worst. The terrible and funny thing is that mental health call numbers are all within office hours- God forbid you're feeling dark late at night or on the weekend....

Money wise, I talked my landlord into one extension, so I need half by end of month and half 10 days later, so that cut pressure in half. Trying to get a loan, if I can and cut the rest in half- I have a real chance of being okay working normal hours.
Which will need a very strict self care plan and some sort of therapy weekly, it's no longer luxury expense, I have to do it. So on Monday I'm calling all free or cheaper expenses to do something about it, see what I can figure out. My health care is no longer optional, I have to accept that. Maybe that will help with the work part.

I'm sad, because over the years I've made system that helped me and now most of them aren't. I can't look at my apartment, my clothes, my things. My life feels like it needs extreme makeover though that may or may not be the disease talking.
But yeah. I'm not on my own, not disregarding the ways in which friends help me- but I also can't do inpatient and I have to finish my rent debt and few other obligations before I can untabgle my life aenouth. And once again usually a good planning system saves me, but now nothing is working like it worked before...

I'll be honest. I have no idea if I make sense, I change my mind frequently and it's hard- but every opportunity coming my way seems to be from January onwards so I have to make it til then.
Also I'm considering going to that friend for a trial 1 month visit- not giving up anything here, still paying, whatever, but may alleviate some pressure and give new perspective. Though I'm scared of her family seeing me like that. But maybe useful too, as I said.
Anyway, that still wouldn't happen before Christmas, so... for now I'm taking it week by week.

In my opinion you don't lose anything if you sowvd some time living at your friend's place. Later on, when you are better you could then rent a flat of your own or maybe find a shared housing with flatmates?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

In my opinion you don't lose anything if you sowvd some time living at your friend's place. Later on, when you are better you could then rent a flat of your own or maybe find a shared housing with flatmates?

I agree, except for what I mentioned above.
First I need to settle some things here. That's why I was thinking of a month trial visit(although it's the holidays- they should be celebrating and currently I'm at my worst).

But there's one huge problem. The tickets to getting there are about the same as my rent (which sure, isn't much compared to rents in first-world countries, but really all that matters is what I'm making).
So if I can't cover my rent I can't cover that and unfortunately my friend can't either- that's why she came to the idea of offering me where to stay instead.
There's no way I can cover a ticket to there so far. And until I can her suggestion is just a lovely lovely idea I can't make happen.