I'm so close to losing hope

[SeekingAfrica]

I know the relief must be overwhelming and it's important to give yourself a break

Thank you! Starting to catch up. Yoga helped.

Do you have a plan for when rent is due next month?

Well, I had a very detailed plan before this happened.
What I know is that next month I have a mini pay on 10th and the regular monthly pay from the same client- about a month from invoice as long as I do the work timely unlike next time.
So the plan is- get free or paid therapy to avoid skipping work for mental health reasons. Fullfill deadline on time. That's the 50%.
The other 50% is not wanting to rely on one client again, which means setting hours to work on my online business (even set 50e to invest in it- not ground breaking but a start) whilst applying for jobs locally or at least more online clients. Anything that would mean not relying on one.
I used to be scared of failing but I think after this month I am WAY less scared of that than of eviction, so I should make use of that.

That's the plan.
Now, the part of the plan not accounted for: although I am paying rent tomorrow my landlord is very angry with me.
She may still want me to move out (not in a day but in 10 days or 30). If that happens, part of what I made, instead of going to her, will go towards deposit and first for a new place. Meanwhile I'll pay her as much as I reasonably can and make financial plan for paying her the rest.
I will apologize, and I will lay both options clearly for her. And then I'll go with what she decides.
I will still try to find a cheaper place, but, it would be nice to worry about 1 problem at a time and have at least 30 days to do it.
Though, self doubt aside, due to my landlord selling my last apartment on a while while I was travelling, I returned to a bnb while my posessions were with my best friend, and I had 3 days to find a new place. I found one in 1.5 days. So I should stop doubting myself.
Anyway. This is the part of the plan not in my control, we'll see what she says tomorrow. But the work part is in my control.
And this was some of the scariest moments I've had in a while, so I definitely don't want to repeat them.
I believe I can find more work. And I'll try holding onto that belief this time.

 

[Ecdysis]

That acutally sounds like a pretty good plan!

I'm relieved, because you've sounded so dysregulated (?) that I wasn't sure you'd be able to come up with a realistic plan in that state.

Crossing my fingers and toes for you that this next month is calmer for you and that your plan turns out well!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

so dysregulated (?) that I wasn't sure you'd be able to come up with a realistic plan in that state.

Thanks, I hope that I have! Well, I am HUGHLY disregulated, but to be fair, I made this plan before this began. So 2 months ago. It was supposed to help me not get in this situation. However before I was able to implement it, ALL this hit me- whatever it started with.
So this plan was made when I was more clear- headed thankfully.
Let's hope it's a good plan and I'm good at implementing it.

is calmer for you and that your plan turns out well!

Thank you for the wishes, hope so too.
I am still disregulated, but every healthier choice I've made the last night and this morning to replenish my batteries has been much needed.
I did yoga, played a game, scheduled seeing a friend next week, answered few emails and got enough sleep.
I ate fruit! I missed fruit. I also paid a whole bunch of bills and payments, and the more of that is paid, the bigger the relief- as well as opening space for other ignored parts of my life.
I also took the hard decision to fill my bus card for the whole month- that way if I'm left on no money I still have transport- to look for apartments, to look for jobs, and if worst come to worst- to go to the free food kitchen(or maybe to still go to save a bit), or to use it to transport stuff to new apartment. Transportation is power.

After I have paid stuff and left some for investment in my store, I may try to occasionally get something for panty not to consume immediately- freezer stuff or canned stuff... things I can use when things are more strained.
But this last part is only a wish, still have plenty of things to pay off.
Still, each payment is a step forward.
Now I just need to ensure my income.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

So... I saw the landlord.
In practical terms, we agreed that I stay next month and we see how it goes (this doesn't really exclude me looking for places but not telling her yet).

But in mental health terms she destroyed me. She steam-rolled over my hardly achieved balance. I was calm and responsive in the meeting, then cried all the way home. Took emergency meds and still can't stop.

She yelled. I get it. I was late, more than anyone would have allowed it. But I'm trying to make it right.
I tried to explain-she yelled. I tried to reason- she yelled. If you're late at the bank, you get a late fee, you go to collections, you get suied, you get evicted. There are actions- consequences. In her world it only exists what she NEEDS to happen. I owe her some more although I brought all I could reasonably bring her.,
She said she wants the rest by 31st.
I said I can't.
She said she wants the key and for me to move, and to have the money when moving.
I said I'll move but we'll have to sign a financial plan of when to repay the rest, because I won't have it on 31st.
She said I'm the worst tennant ever and to go to my parents.
Told her I will do that, but then we still need a financial plan.
She reiterated the idea that I sell myself and get the money that way, or borrow from my (retired) parents who barely manage to occasionally help with food.
I said I will move, but I still do not have anyone to borrow from. She has borrowed me 40$ in the past(returned)- if I had people to borrow from, where was the need for that?
I said I can't get the money in 4 days but I'll be glad to sign contract and make financial plan.
She called me a wh*re, a liar, scum, and few other choice words. She said she's coming to get the keys on Tuesday.
I said fine and told her to decide on the financial plan.
She said she'll sew me and call the police.
I told her okay, free to do so, since I simply do not have another option, we can go together for all I care (obviously I care but repeating the same information is just exhausting).
She said I must have the money. Told her I can return the key but then we need financial plan or going to police because I simply WILL not have anything by then.
She yelled again how I'm the worst lowest, most deceiving manipulative person she ever met and that she knows what amount I make, and even if I didn't always work, why didn't I save money and what did I do all year? Since dark thoughts, mental health hospital and so on don't go into her black and white world, I just reiterated that it was impossible to save at the time and regardless if I had the money I wouldn't subject mysel to that yelling (as a reminder I DID pay all backtrack bills(6 of them) today AND paid 70% of all I owe her (it was more than a month).
She threatened police again, yelled again, suggested I sell myself again.
Finally it was agreed that I have until the end of November.

And now I feel like a stadium ran over me. Standing my ground while she yells she'll involve police was scare. All the names she called me brought me to the darkest places my mind has been.
I still believe I can manage november, stay there december too and hopefull save enough to move out by then.
I understand her wanting her loan. But as I said, even in bank you have options and consequences because people sometimes don't pay.
In her mind the consequences didn't exist. It was her way. Not OR. Just her way. Anything less is not a subject to a plan, even going to a police isn't good enough. You MUST have the money. Or you are every curse word worst human in existence. Which apparently I am.

I will pick myself up because I need to do better the next 34 days, but today? Today she crushed me. I've never felt this low except when I got PTSD. She steamrolled my not great confidence and now I have to somehow pick myself up.I took meds and I'm still crying. I didn't cry until I left, thank God.
But I need to do some damage control over my opinion of myself stat, I still feel sick.
One good thing: 34 days to get myself together
One bad thing: there was a payment that was due 6th, but because it's her and 4-5th are weekend she wants it on 3rd. Thankfully I can pay it but it means my investing in a side business is over. Anything I invest- taking out of food money which aren't much. Thankfully I paid bus monthly before this fiasco, and thankfully,. after paying that additional amount next friday, I still have enough for food for the week. Some creativity, I'll stretch it to 2 weeks.
But da**. There are very few moments in my life I'd felt so low despite of objective win. Low as a human being, deserving of chance in circumstance.
I can't feel it yet, but I will- I want to prove her wrong. That I'm more than this ugliness. I am more than words I can't say and overdue payments and hospital visits. I deserve better treatment. Or maybe not- maybe not from her. But I deserve better. And once day I will more out of that place. Until then I need to cope with this in my own ways, and make sure I pay on time in future.

 

[Ecdysis]

OMG she's horrible!

Sorry you're going through this.

I'm amazed at how assertively you stood up for yourself tho! Well done!!

It sounds like you definitely need to move some time in the close future, if only to get away from this toxic landlady.

I hope it's on a timeline of your choosing tho, so you have enough time to find a good place.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

OMG she's horrible!

THANK YOU! I keep thinking I was at fault. I keep thinking I made her like that, because I was late.
But I tried, you know I tried. I worked when I should have been in-patient, I worked when I was sick, I worked when I had back injury. I lost some weeks to depression and that's on me but I've been working to catch up. I've asked help from everyone, people I know couldn't help because they have their own trouble. I've paid personal loans with way too high interest to pay off and pawned my laptop in the past, to pay on time. I've never ever ghosted her. I answer within an hour of her writing me no matter what the answer is. I paid back all I could AND 3 months of back paid bills.

I'm at fault for not paying her, I get that. MY medical issues are my problem. But I am doing MY BEST here. And if it's not enough- make financial plan, kick me on the street, sign a contract that I need to pay you, sue me, turn me to the police. Not that I want any of those last two. BUT yelling at me like I'm the worst human being... I still feel it, you know, like traumas stay, in every cell of my body.
I've been crying since I left all last night, got some proper sleep and now I'm crying again.
Half because of those words.
And half because her words are forcing me to pay something 4 days earlier, which means I can't invest into my most likely to be profitable side-hustle.
And need to count every cent again to make sure I'm doing okay food wise.
I don't regret buying bus pass, one less thing to worry about.

I just NEED to gather every evidence of me being a better human than what she thinks of me. So that, I think of her when I need to, and cope with myself the rest of the time.
So that I CAN make more money next month on the side of the normal client and prove I am better than this.
SO THAT I HAVE choice in where I live next time sooner rather than later,

I'm amazed at how assertively you stood up for yourself tho! Well done!!

Thank you. TBH, I thought that if I cried she'd take it as another reason to yell or call me stupid.
I figured she doesn't deserve to see the real me, to I would just be cordial and professional with her.
Convey the information I have, do what I can, see the next step. She will not see me weak ever again,
So I held calm.

It sounds like you definitely need to move some time in the close future, if only to get away from this toxic landlady.

I DO!
Hope is for December or January. But really, I need to first make sure this month I can be ME, and follow MY plan, and somehow store all those words in a dark corner somewhere, because none of them are going to help me move forward.
It's the reason I argued with her super little and very restrained in single sentences, because for every sentence she had a full speech full of words I'd refraid from repeating.

So I have 3 steps here:
1. Figure out how to cope with those words
2. Make what I agreed with her +my expenses until the end of November
3. Starts looking for jobs and saving for a new apartment.

I'm so drained! Today is the first time I'm going to ballet in 2 weeks because of work and it feels like months have passed.
Here is your contrast. I owed my studio 2 months + an installment for costume. I didn't need to explain why I needed extension. And all they have been is kind to me. Yesterday I paid one of the months and the costume part. I was going to pay the second, but now it can't happen so I'll talk to them for delay. I'm walked to the studio 90min to not miss class. I've been there sick and injured, I've been there 10 years, they are my free therapy and they give me all the positivity and faith when I lack my own. I feel weak physically, but going today will remind me I'm more than those words.
And I cried 3 times this morning and I would LOVE to stop. I really need to work on the things I need to, and that starts with remembering I am more than... YESTERDAY.

I am SO moving out as soon as I physically/practically can. I AM better than this, I have to DO better than this.

 

[abovedown]

Thanks, I hope that I have! Well, I am HUGHLY disregulated, but to be fair, I made this plan before this began. So 2 months ago. It was supposed to help me not get in this situation. However before I was able to implement it, ALL this hit me- whatever it started with.
So this plan was made when I was more clear- headed thankfully.
Let's hope it's a good plan and I'm good at implementing it.


Thank you for the wishes, hope so too.
I am still disregulated, but every healthier choice I've made the last night and this morning to replenish my batteries has been much needed.
I did yoga, played a game, scheduled seeing a friend next week, answered few emails and got enough sleep.
I ate fruit! I missed fruit. I also paid a whole bunch of bills and payments, and the more of that is paid, the bigger the relief- as well as opening space for other ignored parts of my life.
I also took the hard decision to fill my bus card for the whole month- that way if I'm left on no money I still have transport- to look for apartments, to look for jobs, and if worst come to worst- to go to the free food kitchen(or maybe to still go to save a bit), or to use it to transport stuff to new apartment. Transportation is power.

After I have paid stuff and left some for investment in my store, I may try to occasionally get something for panty not to consume immediately- freezer stuff or canned stuff... things I can use when things are more strained.
But this last part is only a wish, still have plenty of things to pay off.
Still, each payment is a step forward.
Now I just need to ensure my income.

I feel great that you are feeling better. It gives me hope too

 

[abovedown]

THANK YOU! I keep thinking I was at fault. I keep thinking I made her like that, because I was late.
But I tried, you know I tried. I worked when I should have been in-patient, I worked when I was sick, I worked when I had back injury. I lost some weeks to depression and that's on me but I've been working to catch up. I've asked help from everyone, people I know couldn't help because they have their own trouble. I've paid personal loans with way too high interest to pay off and pawned my laptop in the past, to pay on time. I've never ever ghosted her. I answer within an hour of her writing me no matter what the answer is. I paid back all I could AND 3 months of back paid bills.

I'm at fault for not paying her, I get that. MY medical issues are my problem. But I am doing MY BEST here. And if it's not enough- make financial plan, kick me on the street, sign a contract that I need to pay you, sue me, turn me to the police. Not that I want any of those last two. BUT yelling at me like I'm the worst human being... I still feel it, you know, like traumas stay, in every cell of my body.
I've been crying since I left all last night, got some proper sleep and now I'm crying again.
Half because of those words.
And half because her words are forcing me to pay something 4 days earlier, which means I can't invest into my most likely to be profitable side-hustle.
And need to count every cent again to make sure I'm doing okay food wise.
I don't regret buying bus pass, one less thing to worry about.

I just NEED to gather every evidence of me being a better human than what she thinks of me. So that, I think of her when I need to, and cope with myself the rest of the time.
So that I CAN make more money next month on the side of the normal client and prove I am better than this.
SO THAT I HAVE choice in where I live next time sooner rather than later,

Thank you. TBH, I thought that if I cried she'd take it as another reason to yell or call me stupid.
I figured she doesn't deserve to see the real me, to I would just be cordial and professional with her.
Convey the information I have, do what I can, see the next step. She will not see me weak ever again,
So I held calm.

I DO!
Hope is for December or January. But really, I need to first make sure this month I can be ME, and follow MY plan, and somehow store all those words in a dark corner somewhere, because none of them are going to help me move forward.
It's the reason I argued with her super little and very restrained in single sentences, because for every sentence she had a full speech full of words I'd refraid from repeating.

So I have 3 steps here:
1. Figure out how to cope with those words
2. Make what I agreed with her +my expenses until the end of November
3. Starts looking for jobs and saving for a new apartment.

I'm so drained! Today is the first time I'm going to ballet in 2 weeks because of work and it feels like months have passed.
Here is your contrast. I owed my studio 2 months + an installment for costume. I didn't need to explain why I needed extension. And all they have been is kind to me. Yesterday I paid one of the months and the costume part. I was going to pay the second, but now it can't happen so I'll talk to them for delay. I'm walked to the studio 90min to not miss class. I've been there sick and injured, I've been there 10 years, they are my free therapy and they give me all the positivity and faith when I lack my own. I feel weak physically, but going today will remind me I'm more than those words.
And I cried 3 times this morning and I would LOVE to stop. I really need to work on the things I need to, and that starts with remembering I am more than... YESTERDAY.

I am SO moving out as soon as I physically/practically can. I AM better than this, I have to DO better than this.

One thing I would like to say that you can only do your best. Your worth as a human being is not depending on whether you have debt, your bills are paid on time or your health condition. It's really important that you do your best to move forward in your life but please don't use your landlord or her words as something that validates or invalidates you as a human being. Because that is not going to work

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I feel great that you are feeling better. It gives me hope too

Thank you! You can do it, I believe in you! I still have a long road to go, but this step yesterday was one of the most important ones for sure!

One thing I would like to say that you can only do your best. Your worth as a human being is not depending on whether you have debt, your bills are paid on time or your health condition. It's really important that you do your best to move forward in your life but please don't use your landlord or her words as something that validates or invalidates you as a human being. Because that is not going to work

Thank you! I know that logically, but I do get easily influenced though for many reasons.

So I chatted about it in the AI forums. I also have 2 things in mind that I will try to do in my planner(which I'm trying to return to:
1. Make a contributions page. I never do things for credit, but I do help people when I can with what I can because this is my nature-
but a page like this will be a reminder in dark times that not everything I do is bad.
2. Make a compliments page- note down good moments, compliments I get, achievements - yes, external validation, but if I will be affected by external invalidation may as well go the other way around
3. Renew my 'i survived' list to remind myself I'm strong
4. This I learned just now from a YT video- review previous planners I've had, see what is true about me outside of external influence, what consistently shows up.

There will be other parts to this, but I figured- bigger things haven't destroyed me, I can't let this woman- although important in my life currently- break me.
The only way I'll be creative enough to earn more is to hold my ground and believe I can be more than someone's words about me.
And I can.

For whatever it's world, I want to make what happened yesterday become the reason I find a better place to live, and earn more money- not the reason I have a breakdown.

 

[Friday]

I get paid today so I'll have money tomorrow.

I’m always in an infinitely better mindset when I have money to my name.

This isn't plain depression. This is shock coming in and out in waves because

Becuase, in my experience, is fairly pointless? It happens. For myriad reasons.

The most important of which?

Is to DIVORCE money & self worth.

I’ve had millions in my name. I’ve had nothing.

As long as you equate your self worth with your bank balance (IE ability to pay what you WANT and what you owe) you may as well spray paint your mirrors, or smash them ont he heads of your neighbour’s children.

You are NOT your bank balance.

Come have a cuppa with me when that settles in.

 

[Tinyflame]

@SeekingAfrica you are not 'bad' and have not made her this way. She chose to say and do what she did in the way she did, that is on her.

But in mental health terms she destroyed me. She steam-rolled over my hardly achieved balance. I was calm and responsive in the meeting, then cried all the way home. Took emergency meds and still can't stop.

I get this. But I remember how exhausted you have talked you have been before this. Exhaustion takes a long time to recover from, and IMHE it never allows for being able to find the worth, strength, courage, energy or words to defend yourself, much less feel you are worth defending. I amazed you could speak up and articulate what you did, because not being able to hold your own boundaries goes hand in hand with being beaten down, exhausted, frightened, +/or not feeling well.

Your worth is not related to your money. But I understand having the money to meet your needs, and do things you want, including for others, reduces a lot of stress.

Is there a happy medium, of working somewhere part time not on a contract basis? The writing-down of what needs to be paid is a budget, or the new term money management. Just a thought. She is not worth the grief she has caused you, but I understand being exhausted it is also near impossible to not shake it off. You need good people, happiness and reduced stress to buffer such as*holes. Because that is out of control on her part. Not everyone given authority deserves to have such authority, and certainly bullying someone like you is a bad way to go about it. (Bullying anyone is, but I've got a feeling that's precisely why they hired her.) You've done great to get this far. Hugs to you.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'm glad you are over this. I think it's just a matter of not having enough money. It seems to start when you can't pay your bills and escalates to really bad depression. Is there any way you could get a job that gives you the minimum amount you need then do your real job for rent? If this doesn't resonate with you then just put it out of your mind. It seems that your basic survival isn't safe, and that's enough to throw anyone into a depression.

When I lost my therapist, I decided that I would do what I needed to insure I wouldn't become suicidal. For me this means taking a break from life every single afternoon and doing self care. I also set myself up with things that make me happy like finding free things that I need, helping others, meditation...you get the picture. I know it sounds as if it has nothing to do with your problem, but it does in the fact that you will be able to handle things. Also, I know someone else suggested it but one of the things that really helped me was a gratitude journal. Every day write down 3 new things you are grateful for. It really changes your outlook to being happy vs. I'll be happy when.

Another thing, for a tiny amount of money a month, you can use AI here. It's not a therapist but I think it's really helpful when you don't have one. All the best..