I can't stop thinking of that one. You may have a point there. I've been fighting so hard to save my own life since April- in different, but still meaningful ways (whether it's to heal from having dark urges, or save myself from eviction or starving). I've put so much effort and concentrated on the tasks so much I've lost sight of the reasons. Of what I'm aiming at. Stopped thinking it's possible. I just started seeing it as a failure, like I got to see in the summer just a glimpse of a new me, a healthier, better me, and then the universe took it back. With interest. Like I didn't deserve that change and now it was getting back at me. Like one way or another I put so much effort into something that I thought I get to see that grow, I get to make a better life for real this time.If you could have the life you want, what would it be?
But then the last 2 months happened and it was like constantly scratching on a wound and it just gets worse, it doesn't heal. So it became about survival again.
But maybe I don't take that lesson from it. Maybe I don't take from it that I tried to be better and got punished. Maybe I take from it that now I know how to work hard. And if I have done it I can do it again. Not thinking too long term. Just thinking of 90 days or 60 or 30, whatever number I think I can handle, and go from there. And try to keep building a life I want. Maybe I accept it will be hard for a while and try to figure out what the small joys that can sustain me are. Because something in me has shifted. I'm not sure how, I just know that there are 2 things I still definitely want in my life, but the rest is up for exploration. Something has shifted and I need to figure out what.
Somewhere along the way I stopped questioning what life I want, just focusing on all the work- to stay healthy mentally, or to not get evicted or to find work. I stopped focusing on the things that matter, I stopped believing that not all of it needed me to be completely changed to still happen. So there we are. This is my chance to think about those things too. Life doesn't stop. What I went through was real and something has shifted in me, and I just need to figure out how to build a better life. In more ways than just money.
You're right. I didn't want to hear it, but I needed to hear it. I am where I am. Guilt doesn't help me, resentment doesn't help me.but we can only really focus on the what-you-have's vs the what-if's.
I am still here, and unlike last month I have weeks, not hours to figure it out.
Unlike last month, I have bus pass and meds and food. So far. Unlike last month I am re-startng my online store, except this time I have a friend in marketing to help me with the plan, friends who believe in me and possibly friends who will help in intragram pics. I know the language, I know the place, I know how to find stores with materials. I have a community here. None of those things were things I had the last time around and even though I didn't know much I created something. So who cares about statistics?
Maybe I give all hours I can (healthily) to the things that excite me like the store, and things I would like achieve, like more stable clients and eventually full time job. Maybe I do many random gigs for a while. Find what works. Who said life is one size fits all? I am where I am. I cannot turn back time. But it's on me what I do next. (not what happens, but what I do- not the result always but the actions). Maybe it's silly. Maybe it doesn't work at all.
*But what if it does?*
One way to find out.
p.s. Maybe I really just needed to sleep for a day and to read those words. Maybe.
And maybe November isn't about anything sure, but about experimenting with things and figuring out what works.