I'm so close to losing hope

[SeekingAfrica]

If you could have the life you want, what would it be?

I can't stop thinking of that one. You may have a point there. I've been fighting so hard to save my own life since April- in different, but still meaningful ways (whether it's to heal from having dark urges, or save myself from eviction or starving). I've put so much effort and concentrated on the tasks so much I've lost sight of the reasons. Of what I'm aiming at. Stopped thinking it's possible. I just started seeing it as a failure, like I got to see in the summer just a glimpse of a new me, a healthier, better me, and then the universe took it back. With interest. Like I didn't deserve that change and now it was getting back at me. Like one way or another I put so much effort into something that I thought I get to see that grow, I get to make a better life for real this time.
But then the last 2 months happened and it was like constantly scratching on a wound and it just gets worse, it doesn't heal. So it became about survival again.

But maybe I don't take that lesson from it. Maybe I don't take from it that I tried to be better and got punished. Maybe I take from it that now I know how to work hard. And if I have done it I can do it again. Not thinking too long term. Just thinking of 90 days or 60 or 30, whatever number I think I can handle, and go from there. And try to keep building a life I want. Maybe I accept it will be hard for a while and try to figure out what the small joys that can sustain me are. Because something in me has shifted. I'm not sure how, I just know that there are 2 things I still definitely want in my life, but the rest is up for exploration. Something has shifted and I need to figure out what.
Somewhere along the way I stopped questioning what life I want, just focusing on all the work- to stay healthy mentally, or to not get evicted or to find work. I stopped focusing on the things that matter, I stopped believing that not all of it needed me to be completely changed to still happen. So there we are. This is my chance to think about those things too. Life doesn't stop. What I went through was real and something has shifted in me, and I just need to figure out how to build a better life. In more ways than just money.

but we can only really focus on the what-you-have's vs the what-if's.

You're right. I didn't want to hear it, but I needed to hear it. I am where I am. Guilt doesn't help me, resentment doesn't help me.
I am still here, and unlike last month I have weeks, not hours to figure it out.
Unlike last month, I have bus pass and meds and food. So far. Unlike last month I am re-startng my online store, except this time I have a friend in marketing to help me with the plan, friends who believe in me and possibly friends who will help in intragram pics. I know the language, I know the place, I know how to find stores with materials. I have a community here. None of those things were things I had the last time around and even though I didn't know much I created something. So who cares about statistics?

Maybe I give all hours I can (healthily) to the things that excite me like the store, and things I would like achieve, like more stable clients and eventually full time job. Maybe I do many random gigs for a while. Find what works. Who said life is one size fits all? I am where I am. I cannot turn back time. But it's on me what I do next. (not what happens, but what I do- not the result always but the actions). Maybe it's silly. Maybe it doesn't work at all.
*But what if it does?*

One way to find out.
p.s. Maybe I really just needed to sleep for a day and to read those words. Maybe.
And maybe November isn't about anything sure, but about experimenting with things and figuring out what works.

 

[Ecdysis]

Are you able to do jobs like waitressing in a café or working at the checkout/ cashier of a supermarket?

 

[Tinyflame]

@SeekingAfrica I believe that's why people say, "I planned x, y and z- and then life interfered". Sometimes the only useful thing is to keep up doing without analyzing for the moment. Since it might mean this or that; your doubts may be real or misinterpreted; it may be difficult or it may go better and you will get some breaks. But the energy devoted to analyzing the not knowing for sure uses up precious energy you will need today, or tomorrow, or the next day.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Are you able to do jobs like waitressing in a café or working at the checkout/ cashier of a supermarket?

Waitressing I was never able to do (hence trying kitchen for a bit)- my hands shake, social anxiety. If I'm in a bad place in life it gets worse- such as now.
Supermarket I've checked small chains around me that may do part time or pay by day or something, but nothing so far. I guess everyone needs extra work now. The big chains have the kind of shifts that would make it impossible to do anything else but I'd only get paid in a month.
So I need side income to do something like that, the moment I can I will.

Sometimes the only useful thing is to keep up doing without analyzing for the moment.

I thought so too but it's the second day in a row where I can't do much. I feel like I'm in a fog I can't snap out of. I'm thinking dark thoughts. I have will, I have these brief moments of inspirations like last night for a moment and then it's fog again. I'm scared because nothing in life seems to feel ... normal right now. It feels like all I'd planned burned in a fire and I'm so covered in smoke I can't see. It feels like I failed so badly there's no recovery from this,

 

[abovedown]

Makes sense but what if my current goal is so tightly intertwined into things that need to happen (debt, income, etc) that there is no way anything else can supersede that?
I know for sure I wouldn't try to work several jobs, I'd have the one I actually enjoy right now out of those, study for MA even at my age, finally get driver's license and date, build savings, and spend few months combining that with regular therapy and food and fitness work until I feel myself enough to answer what I want my future to look like. For a short time in the summer it looked like I was working in that direction, but then it all crashed down. I know it's not me, this person always on the verge of giving up because there's a crisis.

And yet I must go through this. Those seem to be the stages. Do enough to survive and pick myself up, build foundations for a better ilfe, decide what a better life looks like...


I was a great planner(bullet journal) for many years, but lately my head is all fuzzy from everything. Mostly I write lists for remembering that there are things to do. But I'm anxious so trying to write list would end up 40 items of several hours each in a 24h period(what I think I should be doing vs, reality).

Nope. I don't schedule days off. To be honest they sort of just find me when I'm too tired mentally or physically. I call the plan B days. Days when I just can't do what I should. However I do in good or most times go to ballet twice a week, which sustains me mentally, and I do normally see friends. I didn't for the last 2 months for one reason or another and seeing about 1 each week seemed helpful - also with my best friend it ends up many hour hangout so it's not a day but half a day for sure.
I also started listening to compassion meditations on the bus (someone on here recommended them once, Dr, Kristin Neuff I believe). That seems to be calming when the bus is overcrowded.

Probably are, I will look into that.
Today is... not greatest to be honest.
My plan included dealing with the freelance client I don't like as 50% of my income this month and I was informed she won't have anything for 5-6 weeks... I don't always like her but I have worked with her for years. Hence it's like losing my job. I need to have my next landlord pay by the end of the month, which is still plenty of time to do something, but not to start a fully new job(they are paid monthly here). More like anything under the table, by day, side gigs and anything such, so it looks my juggling few jobs will have to get very efficient.
Because most gigs are limited to how much you make at the start I have found 6 'ways' to earn money(including my online shops) and out of all those the shops, making jewelry, maybe drawing are the only ones I actually enjoy- yet I'm the most scared to do because people here are quick to tell you making money any other unconventional way doesn't work. Another reason I like ballet. When I asked them to pay later because I lost my job and I want to invest in my side gig and pay them in few weeks if they agree- they agreed with no hesitation. They seem to have the warmest, limitless belief in me I so much need.

Anyway, got the news about the client yesterday morning and was literally sick and throwing up all day.
And today is the fallout. Couldn't even sit up for most of the day. Wanted to go to the jewelry materials store or at least the big supermarket for cheaper healthy food and I bately made it to the closest store to me, walking distance. Since then I've been sleeping like I'm on meds(and didn't take anything from the morning) and eating in patches, even though I slept normally. I think it's my body avoiding the information, or trying to digest it. Not sure which.

I can't turn the clock back, but I hope being on here snaps me out.
And that I manage to at least make a game plan for the rest of the weeks this month somehow.

Sorry to hear you had a hard day :/. I get you are in a lot of stress. I just wonder if you had days off (Saturday/Sunday?) you would have actually more mental energy and focus to reach your goals?
I think you are hit overthrowing things (I recognise same aptitude in me). It's perfectly normal nowdays to get higher education at a later age and even I got my driver's license in my thirties. I simply didn't need it before and was too nervous about the idea of actually driving . Nowdays I enjoy driving.

 

[abovedown]

I can't stop thinking of that one. You may have a point there. I've been fighting so hard to save my own life since April- in different, but still meaningful ways (whether it's to heal from having dark urges, or save myself from eviction or starving). I've put so much effort and concentrated on the tasks so much I've lost sight of the reasons. Of what I'm aiming at. Stopped thinking it's possible. I just started seeing it as a failure, like I got to see in the summer just a glimpse of a new me, a healthier, better me, and then the universe took it back. With interest. Like I didn't deserve that change and now it was getting back at me. Like one way or another I put so much effort into something that I thought I get to see that grow, I get to make a better life for real this time.
But then the last 2 months happened and it was like constantly scratching on a wound and it just gets worse, it doesn't heal. So it became about survival again.

But maybe I don't take that lesson from it. Maybe I don't take from it that I tried to be better and got punished. Maybe I take from it that now I know how to work hard. And if I have done it I can do it again. Not thinking too long term. Just thinking of 90 days or 60 or 30, whatever number I think I can handle, and go from there. And try to keep building a life I want. Maybe I accept it will be hard for a while and try to figure out what the small joys that can sustain me are. Because something in me has shifted. I'm not sure how, I just know that there are 2 things I still definitely want in my life, but the rest is up for exploration. Something has shifted and I need to figure out what.
Somewhere along the way I stopped questioning what life I want, just focusing on all the work- to stay healthy mentally, or to not get evicted or to find work. I stopped focusing on the things that matter, I stopped believing that not all of it needed me to be completely changed to still happen. So there we are. This is my chance to think about those things too. Life doesn't stop. What I went through was real and something has shifted in me, and I just need to figure out how to build a better life. In more ways than just money.


You're right. I didn't want to hear it, but I needed to hear it. I am where I am. Guilt doesn't help me, resentment doesn't help me.
I am still here, and unlike last month I have weeks, not hours to figure it out.
Unlike last month, I have bus pass and meds and food. So far. Unlike last month I am re-startng my online store, except this time I have a friend in marketing to help me with the plan, friends who believe in me and possibly friends who will help in intragram pics. I know the language, I know the place, I know how to find stores with materials. I have a community here. None of those things were things I had the last time around and even though I didn't know much I created something. So who cares about statistics?

Maybe I give all hours I can (healthily) to the things that excite me like the store, and things I would like achieve, like more stable clients and eventually full time job. Maybe I do many random gigs for a while. Find what works. Who said life is one size fits all? I am where I am. I cannot turn back time. But it's on me what I do next. (not what happens, but what I do- not the result always but the actions). Maybe it's silly. Maybe it doesn't work at all.
*But what if it does?*

One way to find out.
p.s. Maybe I really just needed to sleep for a day and to read those words. Maybe.
And maybe November isn't about anything sure, but about experimenting with things and figuring out what works.

I cant figure how to use the quoting function so I just reply to the whole message. I think focusing on let's say 30 days ahead might help you to feel less overwhelmed? So you don't feel like you need to figure out next 10 years right now? I have a tendency to try to plan every detail of my life for time ahead but I have found the hard way that a) life doesn't work like that b) it just has made me anxious. I am trying to learn to live one day a time and plan more like 7-30 days ahead.

 

[abovedown]

I tried to add this an edit to the previous message, but the time limit for editing had passed:

Edit: I think it's great you have long time dreams & plans for education and driving etc. I too have some plans for taking courses etc but if I try to focus what I actually want my mind goes blank. Meanwhile I try to focus tasks at hand and live 'in one day compartments'. I learned the phrase from this book: How to Stop Worrying and Start Living - Wikipedia

 

[DharmaGirl]

I thought so too but it's the second day in a row where I can't do much.

This is the perfect time to grab a cup of tea and a notebook and write down 5 things you are grateful for. Some ideas for your perfect life. Read a book. I've noticed that I ruminate when there is silence and I don't have a distraction, so I play audiobooks a lot! Youtube has free audiobooks to listen to. The library has digital books here, I don't know about there. You are progressing.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Sorry to hear you had a hard day :/. I get you are in a lot of stress. I just wonder if you had days off (Saturday/Sunday?) you would have actually more mental energy and focus to reach your goals?

I mean... maybe? But I don't feel like I have time for that. Although to be honest the fog is getting bad now. Like I used to be good with planner or bullet journal and lately it's all scraps of paper and phone notes everywhere and nothing is working. I've been trying things, ballet, socializing, being back into things helps a little to feel like me and then dissipates. The most meaningful changes I can't make and all else is just ... I'm afraid so I hyper focus on things.... My life is spinning out a bit, I'm considering emergency therapy session if I can swing that or going to an ER but the second scares me still.

It's perfectly normal nowdays to get higher education at a later age and even I got my driver's license in my thirties.

Thank you for that reminder, it helps.

I have found the hard way that a) life doesn't work like that b) it just has made me anxious. I am trying to learn to live one day a time and plan more like 7-30 days ahead.

On one hand right now planning 7 days at a time or few days at a time is all I can do, on the other I can't forget the bigger overarching pictures- like I need to be making certain income by certain date, which is not in those 7 days, but if it doesn't happen I get evicted possibly. On the other hand within the NOW I must get it together in a sense of eating healthy, working out and mental health stat because things were bad yesterday and today they aren't that bad but not exactly good either.

I cant figure how to use the quoting function so I just reply to the whole message.

Just select the part you want to quote with your mouse (or however you do on a phone-haven't used it on phone)- and the 'quote/reply button will appear.

You are progressing.

Thought I was as well. Then yesterday had to draw on my hands to avoid other things. I've crossed certain mental 'timeline' I have I guess, and since I lost income, in my head it goes like- 1 month is plenty of time, 3 weeks- there is still a shot for you and 2 weeks- you're close to scre**ed and 1 week- it's OVER. Something which I just realized actually and I know it's arbitrary. However we are getting in the 2 week zone and it's moving from arbitrary into the red zone which is once my brain decides I'm in the danger zone and I start freezing and being unable to work and then it's self-fulfilling prophecy....
And you'd think with that level of awareness I'd be able to cope with my health....

But I am trying to get a loan which if I get will cover some of my rent debt and that will help with the security idea, so maybe with being able to work.
Also I HATE my landlord now but I'll explode if I'm afraid of her all the way to the end of the month so I will ask her will it be okay if have most of what is agreed on my 30th and the rest- by 10th, if that will be acceptable. I HATE her (and I never use those words, like only for my abusers before, but I really do)- but she is very moody, so if it catches her in acceptable mood might be OK. And again, might help me feel less pressure and more functional.

 

[abovedown]

Just select the part you want to quote with your mouse (or however you do on a phone-haven't used it on phone)- and the 'quote/reply button will appear.

Thank you

 

[abovedown]

On one hand right now planning 7 days at a time or few days at a time is all I can do, on the other I can't forget the bigger overarching pictures- like I need to be making certain income by certain date, which is not in those 7 days, but if it doesn't happen I get evicted possibly. On the other hand within the NOW I must get it together in a sense of eating healthy, working out and mental health stat because things were bad yesterday and today they aren't that bad but not exactly good either.

I personally have following priority list which has helped me (might know work for everybody though)

Priority 1: I try to get at least 6-7 hours of sleep each night
Priority 2:
I try to eat regularly and mostly 'real' food
Priority 3: I try to go out each day to walk and go to gym 1-2 times a week

One thing that helps me a bit with the self-doubt and what-if scenarios is try to think them as a radio. When you driving a car and the radio is playing you can't always choose which music is playing but you still need to focus on driving. Or when you are queuing in a supermarket and an annoying song is played in loudspeakers, you still need to wait until you get your purchases paid and then you can leave.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

One thing that helps me a bit with the self-doubt and what-if scenarios is try to think them as a radio.

That idea I like, I'll try to figure out if I can use it.

Priority 1: I try to get at least 6-7 hours of sleep each night
Priority 2:
I try to eat regularly and mostly 'real' food
Priority 3: I try to go out each day to walk and go to gym 1-2 times a week

Sleep I always get because of meds, but the quality when I'm stressed is questionable. But it's better than without meds.
Eating I know makes huge difference but this may have been the worst week eating wise I've had- with the exception of when I don't have food- but I've been eating a lot of junk food because I've been too anxious to shop the right things which is definitely affecting my confidence in a bad way.
When I'm not sick- I have ballet twice a week. Can't afford gym as well but when I was well I'd always do few strength training sessions at home to improve my dancing... I've always found exercise time, even in uni. Lately if I stop for a bit, I start getting anxious about it, even when it's about workouts at home so I'm not sure what that's about.

I think this last weeks have been something like an extended breakdown, like everything feels, tastes and if different and I've definitely broken down sufficiently to depths I'd forgotten since the summer.
Not really sure what to do with that. It's like I'm still here, but I'm a different me. Like if you got hit by a car, and got multiple injuries no one would expect you to just do all you normally do. But here I am, got hit by the mental version of a truck and expect of myself not just normal, but excellence. Like the 2 months I've been like I've been I was in fog and now I'm suddenly seeing my apartment and it's a mess and that seems both awful and too much to handle., And at the same time I need to be applying and working while the eviction part is sort of hanging over my head at all times.
And the things that brought me joy are still there but because of how I feel about myself they leave bitter aftertaste. Socializing a little- not too much- and ballet are the 2 things that make me feel human again but once again, I am ashamed for what I've eaten. for not working out and everything like that.

I just.... I feel like I got crushed into pieces and I keep waiting to figure out how to be me again, but it doesn't work like it did.
Like after a trauma. It just doesn't fit and it doesn't make sense and I'm just lost.