I'm So Confused. Am I Crazy Or Is My Gut Trying To Tell Me Something?

[Ally]

Hi. I'm Ally. I am new here. I am an incest survivor and I have PTSD.

I started dating Gerald 5 months ago. We were friends for a month before we became intimate. Our relationship has been a great struggle. He's a sexual abuse survivor, as well. I have so much compassion for him, and see a lot of myself in him.

He has major intimacy issues. So, do I. We have made great progress. We are communicating for the first time, instead of arguing. He can be very defensive and combative.

Here's my issue. I don't trust him. My gut keeps telling me he is not being faithful to me. I have broken it off because of this numerous times, and he won't let me go. I am more comfortable with him than I have ever been with any man in my life; even sexually (which is huge, I think). I have no proof of him being unfaithful, all my friends think he is faithful and really loves me. However, my gut is killing me - anxiety, physical pain and panic. My thoughts are driving me insane.

We have discussed it. He says he is not seeing anyone else, and that if he ever felt he wanted to, he would tell me. So, why don't I believe him? Why do I feel like he is not being totally forthcoming, and that he is hiding something from me?

Do I trust my gut? How do I resolve my fears? I feel this is going to put me over the deep end. He is the first man I have allowed myself to love in over 6 years. I have not been in a serious relationship for that long. I didn't date for 5 years. I had given up on relationships, entirely. I'm feeling like I should do that again. However, I do not want to go back to being that hopeless, angry, jaded woman, I used to be.

I feel I have no one objective to discuss this with, that also understands PTSD. Hell, I still don't - even after all these years.

 

[Justmehere]

If there are no other signs of him being unfaithful, I think your gut feeling is likely more about the horrible betrayal of your childhood sense of safety that you experienced with adult at who were supposed to care for you, not violate you - and a sign to keep taking it slow with this guy while you work through the PTSD and stuff that happened in the past.

It's common for closeness to stir up old feelings from the past. If the past experiences were horrible then it makes sense you might feel horrible again. Trauma gets stuck in the body in very physical ways.

I also don't think you should entirely ignore the gut feeling, but continue to carefully proceed and evaluate the relationship. If he is trustworthy, then with work on the PTSD and time, you will come to trust him. If he is not trustworthy, then you will figure it out over time too.

Maybe it's not faithfulness, but something else he is holding back due to his own stuff.

 

[arfie]

I trust my gut every time, but I never trust it to have all the details, much less be focused in the right direction without need for fine tuning and adjustment. It offers clues, not a solid case for prosecution.

If you are both incest survivors, you already know you have a double load of intimacy issues to work through. I would let that be my guiding certainty. I am an incest survivor and my husband was nearly a virgin and we still had a double load of intimacy issues. I think that is inherent in any relationship.

Easy does it, Ally. Welcome to the forum.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes difficult to separate gut from anxiety.

 

[Notsowild]

I am an incest survivor too. I definetly had intimacy/relationship problems too. I wish I would have gotten help earlier. My ex came from an abusive family too but refused to work out his issues. Our relationship was pretty volatile.

Trust is a big issue when we have been abused as children. My advice would to seek counselling for you both. And this forum has great people and help too. Welcome.

 

[Ally]

Thanks so much for your responses. I am just so scared of getting hurt. I have never truly let anyone in, like I have with him. I feel vulnerable and exposed. I have no idea if my fears are warranted. I want to run. My thinking is it would be better to hurt now, get over him, and move on, than to continue to let my feelings grow, find out my suspicions are true and be devastated by the betrayal. I know because of my PTSD, it will destroy me more than someone without a childhood betrayal like mine. Right now, I am not making any decisions. I am letting it go. It has been consuming me. I am just tired of feeling this emotional.

I just don't know if my behavior is causing the behaviors (his) that are making me suspicious or if I have a right to be suspicious, because his actions would be the same, even if I wasn't feeling insecure.

Like I said, he has intimacy issues. He is just starting to open up to me and communicate with me. He is not very affectionate. I used to be the same way, but I have worked through those fears. I am trying to be patient with him. I give him positive affirmation about the progress he has made.

This might sound crazy, but I feel like he is 2 different people. The man I love (supportive, encouraging, says all the right things) and the man I am suspicious of (cold, distant, angry, combative, defensive, (and I feel) secretive).

If he isn't being unfaithful, I really feel he IS hiding something. I can't trust my feelings, at the moment. I am having major health issues that cause emotional symptoms (fear, anxiety, depression, irritability). I have an appointment on May 15th with a specialist. Once the treatment is started, the emotional symptoms should subside immediately.

So, I do not trust my feelings right now, because they are out of whack.

I also had a conversation recently with my mother, where she disclosed some information to me, that she had told my step mom that my father was a pedophile. My father started dating her when I was 12. He was still abusing me. I didn't tell my mother "my secret" until I was 16. (It did not go well. She slapped me and called me a liar.)

I was discussing the conversation I had with my mother, with Gerald. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized what my mother had just admitted to me, without her even realizing she had. My mother left my father, and my brothers and I, when I was 12. That was the worst year of my life. She KNEW and she left me there.

As you can imagine, my PTSD was triggered. That in conjunction with the emotional symptoms from the physical illness have left me feeling like I am going insane. I feel like I can't trust anything right now - my feelings, Gerald, my friends, myself.

I will keep praying, putting one foot in front of the other, and keep hanging on with every ounce of strength I have. At the moment, it feels like the reservoir is going to run dry.

I am a survivor. I will NOT give up!

 

[junglegirl]

I always trust my gut it has never betrayed me and always is right on target.