I'm So Confused

[Mariah]

I'm always hearing "your PTSD is not your fault, what you're feeling is normal and understandable and should be validated blah blah blah" but then I also hear "you need to take responsibility for your feelings and your reactions you do have control etc.." I feel so alone, don't know what to think or how to feel. Does anyone feel like their therapist or supporters are contradicting themselves? I contradict myself a lot, I feel different things at different times and will react to different things at different times. One day I'll be okay with something and the next day I'll have a break down over the same thing. But I feel like it's wrong and confusing for me to be told to validate how I feel and accept it and work through it and not judge myself for feeling that way but also be told to basically feel bad for it... Might sound ridiculous but I'm confused.

 

[Leah Morgan]

I'm always hearing "your PTSD is not your fault, what you're feeling is normal and understandable and sho...

I couldn't have said it better. I'm feeling your confusion. X

 

[Meadowsweet]

I agree that it's confusing. But one thing that does help to manage life better, is making the distinction between feelings and actions.

What you feel is always ok to feel and there is no wrong in feeling.

Sometimes the thoughts that go along with those feelings are thoughts related to the experience of trauma, and they come up in situations that aren't traumatic, so our thinking and reactions can seem out of place. So this is an area that it can help to address because they can attach the emotions of past trauma to present situations.

Then there are our actions, how we respond/react to everyday situations. We are the only people that can take responsibility for our actions. So that is where responsibility fits in.

Taking responsibility for your reactions isn't the same as being blamed for how you're feeling - it is just recognising that there are different ways that you can learn to respond to your feelings. Taking responsibility is really just saying to yourself ' I didn't like the way I reacted to that situation and I'd like to change that'. It doesn't mean the change will come over night, but it means you are wanting to work to change what you can. On the home page there is some information about CBT techniques which are really good.

 

[Changing4Best]

I've had many years of CBT and this has helped me enormously.

 

[Go Hungry]

It's not a contradiction, and you aren't being told to feel bad about things. Keep in mind that criticism isn't always a bad, mean thing. I think a lot of us here have been the subject of abusive criticism to the point that we have trouble making that distinction. So in this case, you're receiving a little criticism in regards to perhaps an avoidance of responsibility for your actions.

Like @Meadowsweet said, there is a difference between feelings (or thoughts) and actions. Your feelings on a subject can often be involuntary, but your actions toward such a subject are almost completely voluntary. You get to choose how you feel about how you feel. (I know that's meta as all hell, but it's true.) It's all your choice, ultimately, and therefore your responsibility. You get to choose how you address your own concerns, your fears, everything.

Now I acknowledge that this is roughly as easy as lifting a mountain. It is a real task to decide to act despite your feelings. Like when I go to work.. I sit in my cube scared out of my wits very often.. but I have a job and work that must be done, so I just do it. I just -do it-... And that's where my choice comes in. I do my job despite being a shivering wreck, despite wiping tears from my eyes when nobody is looking.. I just do it. Not easy.. Not even close. But it has to be done, and I'm the only guy who can pull it off. So are you.

You're the only one who can continue to function despite -your- fears. Nobody else can do it for you, and nobody else can take away those victories. Tiny ones, maybe.. but still a Victory every time you beat it.

So don't feel bad, and don't feel bad about feeling bad. You got the power over all of this.

 

[Friday]

First off... I chase my own tail a whole helluva lot about far too many things. This one though, I've got down ;)

- Everyone gets angry. That's perfectly normal. Anger happens, and that's okay.

- What's not okay is, when you get angry, to punch the offending knucklehead in the throat. Or throw them off a building. Or to stab ourselves. Or scream at people. Or, or, or, or.

- What's even more? Not only can we learn to control what we do when we're angry, we can learn to shorten the amount of time that we are angry, and to even not get angry about a whole lot of stuff that used to make us angry. We'll still get angry. But not at things we don't believe we should be angry about. We don't respond the same way to chocolate cake instead of cheesecake the same way we respond to genocide. Instead? Cake! Awesome! And an idiot trying to make us angry? Won't succeed, because we know they're an idiot, and their opinion doesn't matter.

The same is true for all the other emotions, really. But it's a lot more clear to say "Don't throw people off of a roof." than the much more nuanced levels of control a lot of other emotions have.