I'm So Sorry.

[lonelyone82]

I can't do it anymore. I can't fight anymore alone. I don't belong here and others deserve their world. I'm sick, and less than others. This world is for the perfect boastful proud and important. I am nothing and silent. I can't fight them anymore alone and they have always wanted me dead. If I was dead they would have pleasure and rejoice in their perfect. I am weak, and I wish I was dead. They won..and I am stupid and nieve. They laugh at me while I am dying for fun. They laugh that I would write this because they feel power over hurting me. I reported them but no one cared and they were afraid, so I got persecuted and handcuffed. I got scolded and lashed. They raped me and hurt me while no one cared. The authorities let them because they are afraid of them and they want money for themselves. I deserved it, because it is their world. They can have it all. I hate this and I want out.

 

[ladee]

Can you or will you call a suicide hotline?A crisis hotline? The emergency number for your country?.
Can you or will you go to the hospital Emergecy Room and tell them you need help?
I have been where you are and just talk I g to someone until this feeling passes helps. Please don't give up.

 

[joeylittle]

Hey, @lonelyone82 - I am so sorry to read how low you are right now.

I need to ask: are you in danger of hurting yourself right now?

I've been where you are. And I'm not going to say it all gets better. But things can and do change - they really do. You've survived a lot, it sounds like, and you do deserve to live the life you want to live. It seems too far away, too impossible, right now. But that's not the way it will always be.

 

[Friday]

If you're willing to die... Are you willing to go to the Caribbean?

I know that might seem like a bizarre question. And feel free to spin a globe and pick any other point on it.

Long standing rule in my own life, I'm not allowed to kill myself before I change everything first. If I'm done, if I'm truly & really done & have lost and want out, then I pack a bag -or not, but from long experience, bags are useful- and change everything. I usually start with the seasons. Winter? Time to head to the tropics or the other hemisphere, for summertime. Summer? Then it's time to head to somewhere with snow. That effectively shortens my "WTF am I going to go???" down to only half the planet. Now that I've narrowed my search that much? I just keep adding conditions to change, or shrug & say screw it, and and just wing it. The next train, plane, boat... Whatever... Wherever.

Being flat broke &/or homeless isn't really an obstacle. If I cannot fund my own "I'm out!" then I get someone to pay me to go or send me. Whether that's as ships crew, or an unpaid volunteer position (think Habitat for Humanity) that they manage the logistics (and even set you up with a website to collect donations to fund your trip).

If I'm NOT willing to change everything? (But my house, cat, job, etc.!!! :eek: I can't just...) then that's a mighty huge wake up call. Because all those things go away if I'm DEAD, too! >.< That's one of those... I don't want to die... I want to stop hurting. Which has a different solution. If I'm trying to save what's left of my life here&now, that's not something fixed by suicide. The opposite. Suicide doesn't in any way fix or help my life. Suicide is just where my head goes.

 

[Canticle]

I can't do it anymore. I can't fight anymore alone. I don't belong here and others deserve their wo...

Shhhh, calm the storm now. Hell; that apathy belongs to them. You are loved and respected here. The first wound deep down wants to scream. Let it breathe, you are not alone there.

The second wound is not theirs to give. I know it hurts like hell right now. Let it breathe and let it be. You are loved, respected and honored here. We all share the first wound.

Lay your burden down and put their apathy to rest. Put it beneath you and rise above it.

Muddy waters run me dry;
tumble down my silt,
filter my dirt...
Don't ask me why.
Don't cry;
Just, run me dry!

You are not alone!

 

[VioletButterfly]

Wonderful advise and support has been offered above. I hope you will take in the compassion and kindness offered and mirror it back onto yourself because you deserve to live a different way and to have a different outcome than the one you are pondering.

I've been where you're at. I still have the emotions and memories, but I try each day to find a way to put something positive up front to change my focus. What has worked for me is to remember that this is an expression of PTSD and/or depression, and that I have had/still have horrible days, but then I also have had/have not so awful days and some decent days. There is a flow to both disorders and it goes in waves. So, that being said, can you remember a time when your thinking and experiences were in a different space than the one you find yourself in now? Do you have a journal you can look back through for good days, good experiences? Something to put in the other column adjacent to the "kill myself solution" column. I always look for any sliver or spot of light to help me walk through the state you're in right now. Anything you can hang onto right now is important. Hoping you choose trying one more day over ending your pain.

Also, if you are set on hurting yourself or ending your life, please do as @ladee has suggested and call a hotline or go to the ER. If you have a therapist or psychiatrist, please call him/her as well.

Best to you. VB

 

[ladee]

My hope for you is, that you came back and are reading the support and understanding here. There is enough to build a life raft to hold onto until something changes. It always changes.
Let us have hope for you until you can have some for yourself. We care more than you know.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I have no advice. I understand where you are. I've been there many times. I've attempted suicide many times too, and yet, I'm still here. It can get better, but you have to be open to trying.

Dying is different than making the pain stop. You sound like you're in pain......

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

This is depression talking. Been there, done that. Please don't make any rash decisions while depressed.

Long standing rule in my own life, I'm not allowed to kill myself before I change everything first.

I have a similar personal policy.

When I feel depressed, I take a good look at my life and ask "What's wrong? What can I change?" And then I make a change. I also promise myself that, if things aren't better in six months, I can 'off' myself then.

It's always worked, so far.

This works for me whether I'm in the middle of a situational depression or purely biological depression.

 

[lonelyone82]

I was really upset last night. I totally shouldn't have posted that. It could be triggering or upsetting to others. I was alone drinking and consumed with thoughts of my past and the violence. I hit a breaking point. I don't use hospitals anymore I found them re traumatizing and cold. I will try to get myself together. I will get back into a routine. I got really sick physically and have been struggling getting abnormal blood tests and undergoing diagnostics while waiting for results feeling very sick. It's a hard time and I'm lonely too. I live alone but will try to get connected back with people soon if possible. I am supposed to go on a trip in a few months so I will wait to throw everything away in an impulsive decision until after then. I think I will be ok I am.just overwhelmed now i'm embarrassed too. I have been depressed in the past with attempted suicides, and pulled through. thank you all for responding. That was really nice.

 

[ladee]

Nothing to be embarrass about. Just very happy you are ok.
We are here For you to tide the lonliness.

 

[lonelyone82]

Thank you. :hug:​