joyfulgirl
New Here
The past few weeks have been difficult. I'm feeling more lost and on the verge of a breakdown. My anxiety level is through the roof, panic attacks are more frequent, and when I'm not feeling like I want to jump out of my skin, I'm sobbing my heart out.
My downward spiral began at the beginning of the year when I left my management job in healthcare. It was a decent paying job that I'd been at for years but I chose to leave as the stress was getting to me and making me sick. I thought I could get by on doing freelance work from home but within a few weeks, I could see I'd made a mistake. Quite simply, I couldn't find the motivation to work for myself and I was finding myself missing the regular interaction of coworkers and having a regular work routine. I recently took a much lower paying job in retail and while its nice to be around people again, I am questioning whether this was the right choice. I feel like the work is rather dull and I'm constantly watching the clock. I have no benefits and won't qualify for health insurance because its only part time hours. I haven't had health insurance since I left my old job and have been searching for affordable health care; it turns out I qualify for Medicaid. For some reason, this made me feel very sad and ashamed; I've never been in a situation where I had to rely on the government for assistance. Financially it makes sense for where I am right now, but I just can't believe I'm at this point. And what's worse is I am at this point because of the choices I've made. Its so hard not to blame myself and be angry at myself even though I know I am dealing with lifelong anxiety and depression issues which led me to making some of these choices.
My sleeping patterns are all effed up; its been over a month since I slept through the night. My appetite is low too. I'm having panic attacks in the car when driving to work and even am having bouts of panic and high anxiety at the new job. I actually called a cab to take me to and from work yesterday because I was so dizzy and anxious and this made me feel even more helpless and ashamed. Plus, I barely am making enough money to cover cab fare on a regular basis and I know avoiding driving is only going to harm me more in the long run.
I'm in therapy but not sure how much longer I can even afford my sessions. I feel like my choices are running out. I have a couple of good friends I confide in, but even they aren't aware of how bad I'm feeling recently. I'm embarrassed to tell them how afraid I am that I've really made a mess of things on a personal and professional basis. The job situation really has done a number on me. As stressful as my old job was, I didn't realize how strongly I identified with it until I left. And then I get mad at myself for not being able to "handle" the work stress in the first place. The stress I am under right now seems way worse. The irony is, my old job kept me so busy that I didn't have the "luxury" to take the time to deal with personal and emotional issues that were piling up in my life. Once that went away, I've had no choice but to acknowledge past traumas and losses that have been eating away at me for a long time. On one hand I feel that all of this is necessary to get me to a point where I can move past the past, but on the other hand I feel so lost right now and am scared that my world is falling apart around me.
Any advice or words of wisdom are greatly appreciated. Thank you.
My downward spiral began at the beginning of the year when I left my management job in healthcare. It was a decent paying job that I'd been at for years but I chose to leave as the stress was getting to me and making me sick. I thought I could get by on doing freelance work from home but within a few weeks, I could see I'd made a mistake. Quite simply, I couldn't find the motivation to work for myself and I was finding myself missing the regular interaction of coworkers and having a regular work routine. I recently took a much lower paying job in retail and while its nice to be around people again, I am questioning whether this was the right choice. I feel like the work is rather dull and I'm constantly watching the clock. I have no benefits and won't qualify for health insurance because its only part time hours. I haven't had health insurance since I left my old job and have been searching for affordable health care; it turns out I qualify for Medicaid. For some reason, this made me feel very sad and ashamed; I've never been in a situation where I had to rely on the government for assistance. Financially it makes sense for where I am right now, but I just can't believe I'm at this point. And what's worse is I am at this point because of the choices I've made. Its so hard not to blame myself and be angry at myself even though I know I am dealing with lifelong anxiety and depression issues which led me to making some of these choices.
My sleeping patterns are all effed up; its been over a month since I slept through the night. My appetite is low too. I'm having panic attacks in the car when driving to work and even am having bouts of panic and high anxiety at the new job. I actually called a cab to take me to and from work yesterday because I was so dizzy and anxious and this made me feel even more helpless and ashamed. Plus, I barely am making enough money to cover cab fare on a regular basis and I know avoiding driving is only going to harm me more in the long run.
I'm in therapy but not sure how much longer I can even afford my sessions. I feel like my choices are running out. I have a couple of good friends I confide in, but even they aren't aware of how bad I'm feeling recently. I'm embarrassed to tell them how afraid I am that I've really made a mess of things on a personal and professional basis. The job situation really has done a number on me. As stressful as my old job was, I didn't realize how strongly I identified with it until I left. And then I get mad at myself for not being able to "handle" the work stress in the first place. The stress I am under right now seems way worse. The irony is, my old job kept me so busy that I didn't have the "luxury" to take the time to deal with personal and emotional issues that were piling up in my life. Once that went away, I've had no choice but to acknowledge past traumas and losses that have been eating away at me for a long time. On one hand I feel that all of this is necessary to get me to a point where I can move past the past, but on the other hand I feel so lost right now and am scared that my world is falling apart around me.
Any advice or words of wisdom are greatly appreciated. Thank you.
