I'm Tired - Why Isn't Suicide A Solution?

[keifer]

I'm in a mood now. I'm just tired. Some days are good and some bad. My afternoon, I just got depressed. I really don't want to live right now.

I'm so tired of feeling good and then bad. This bad is wanting the pain to end. I feel this emotion or emotions but I can't tell what it is. It just haunts me.

My gun does not work. I want to walk in the cold rain with a Razer. My brachial artery should bleed well. I'm done fighting. Let me grow cold. Ezacto knife where are you.

I don't want to remember anymore. Why can't I be like I was. My head aches can it just stop. I put my hands on the side of my head and just hold it. God, make it stop.

If my counselor couldn't see me, I'd give up. I'd tell my base doc to stick it. I'd limp on my knee and just live with PTSD. Once out, don't know.

Sell everything and then drive far away and just die so I don't have to deal with people, hospitals or society. No pension, no big deal. When you're dead who needs it.

I miss my girl friend. I still love her. How stupid is that. I ruined things so many times. I doubt I'll find anyone else. I feel like I have no emotions.

I dread tomorrow. Another day. Will I feel good, angry, and then have to go through all this again! Why! I'm just so sick of it all.

 

[radicalgratitude]

If you live in the U.S., call this number 1-800-273-8255. It's the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.

Go to this website: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

 

[arfie]

Gentle hugs, keifer. I know it's tough, but please don't take the permanent solution to temporary problems.

PTSD might -or might not- be a problem that will be with you for life, but these reactions are temporary, especially if you are working a program. Each time you repeat a cycle you will learn a bit more about how to find your way through. The good days will last longer and be stronger as you learn. Give yourself a chance to smell the beautiful roses that can grow in this compost. Please.

Stay with us. You are not alone.

 

[WendyMay]

Keifer,

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I understand how you feel, I really do! But it's not worth it. You are worthy to stay alive, and I am glad your gun does not work. Please, please, please don't do it.

Wendy

 

[StrongHeart]

keifer, you are worth it. You are worth life. At this point, it can only go up, right? There's a light at the end of this tunnel, I promise. You can make it. And please post again, to let us know you are ok. We all care about you.

 

[keifer]

Tried that phone line. Worthless. I'm better today. I can feel my beast/hulk under my skin. I'd rather be this way than depressed.

Weird, I had a nightmare last night of pre-op happening all over again. I was just as scared and paralyzed. I woke up.

 

[StrongHeart]

Keifer, having a nightmare about pre-op sounds terrifying. I am glad you are still with us. I know the fear was just as real in your dream as it was at that time. Take a look at Pete Walker's site. Someone in another thread posted that. Google "pete walker flashback management". Some parts mention childhood trauma, but the rest is a good list for what to do when you have a flashback. The feelings are very very real. Again, I'm glad you are still here. Did you post an introduction already so we can know more about you? Sometimes it helps to put things into words.

 

[SuperAnxietyGirl]

keifer, I too have troubles with suicide. I'm having trouble currently, actually. But with you, and your gun not working, doesn't that mean that God, fate, destiny, whatever it is you believe in might be trying to stop you? Perhaps one day you will be truly happy and be so glad that you did not make that choice. Hold on to that hope. I truly believe that will be the case for you. That one day you will be happy that you lived.

 

[WillyKat]

I hear you and I've been where you are. Death has been my constant companion since about age 14. I have some thoughts about fighting it though. I created what I started calling a mantra, but I dunno; I'm probably not using the word right. It's a page in a notebook that I keep in my pack, which is either with me at work or at home.

One page full of boxes and circled phrases. Sometimes, the boxes are stacked on top of each other to indicate they are related. They say things like:
- Who are you? (This is about who/what I am and all the crap I had to endure to get here.)
- Does [x] win? (X stands for my abuser's name. Do I allow x to win by giving up, by being silent? Or do I do exactly what he doesn't want and live as best I can?)
- Visualize Road. (Sometimes it helps to view your entire life on a road. The bad events are in their places, but you are in the here and now. This helps to not relive everything bad that happened as if it's happening now.)
- Foregiveness (no, not of x, but of myself for having little faults. It means not to be so damn hard on myself.)
- Understanding (this and the next are about dealing with others in the present that hurt me with the little things)
- Compassion
- Talk to my little self. (This helps me draw a distinction between myself now and the five year old that got hurt. Sometimes the little guy is feeling the hurt and needs the big one to tell him it will pass.)
- Breath in the Clean Air; breathe out the Shit. (Gets me to breathe deep, which really helps a lot to reduce anxiety.)
- Let Anger Fade. Cry. (Sometimes you just need to open the trap door beneath the anger and access the emotion below: sadness.)
- Breathe.
- Mindfulness, Earth, Nature
- It will pass.

Not sure it would work for you or anyone else.

 

[keifer]

I'm using a safe word. Keifer, the name of my beloved wolf who I loved for 12 years like a son. My best friend to whom I remember using a pick Axe to dig a grave for one spring after he died over a snowy winter.

I cried more for him, than my own mother, my uncle, my best friend, but not my dad. My dad I will cry for days when he dies. And I yet I can not tell him how ,much I love him either, because men do not do that.

 

[keifer]

I do not want to be alone. I am alone. I torched my relationship. I'm am close to no one. I feel I'm am hopeless. Who would ever love me. I'll never find anyone with no kids my age willing to settle down with and have a family.

 

[cdg]

Glad you are still with us. Stay strong.. Good luck. We are here. Post as much as you like.