General I'm Trying To Help/Understand

[AnnieLloyd]

I am married to a law enforcement officer, who has PTSD and I think I am his trigger. We have two small children, and I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around all of this while answering my 5 year old's questions about Daddy without totally loosing it in front of her. I feel like I have failed him...like I don't say the right things...that I can't find the right words to help him. How am I supposed to help if he avoids me at all costs?? How do we find out what that "traumatic event" is?

I really hope this helps me understand what I can do to help him and our family.

 

[Pixie]

Hi Annie. I'm so sorry that you are in this situation and I'm not real sure I can answer our question (I suffer from C-PTSD and am not a carer). But there are many carers here who have started where you are now and hopefully can help you work your way through this.

I doubt very much that you are his trigger. More likely, what you see as his "avoiding" you is actually a common reaction for someone with PTSD when they are under much stress. That doesn't mean that you are triggering him, just that he may not be able to deal with the complexities of life at that point and just needs to hide for a bit. Lots of us do that from time to time. I hope that gives you a little reassurance until another carer can help you more.

The only other thing I can suggest is read up on PTSD. Become familiar with the symptoms and how your husband is reacting. That should help you to understand what is going on for him.

Ask questions here at the forum as this is a very unique place that brings together both sides of the coin. Carers helping sufferers and sufferers helping carers... that is what it is all about...

Pixie

 

[amethist]

Hi Annie

Welcome to the forum. You have found a great place for help, advice and support for all this.

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time with this, especially when you have small children too. All you can do is try and explain to them that daddy is ill and does not mean to be like he is.

As Pixie said, it is not you that is triggering your husband but the issues he is having to deal with.

He may not be able to tell you what the "Traumatic Event" was that caused the onset of ptsd, as he is struggling to come to terms with it himself.

Take time to read as much as you can on the information section, where you will find loads of useful items to help you cope a bit easier. Also on the Carers Chat section you will find all sort of tips to keep yourself and your children well while you learn all you can.

Unfortunately, relationships are one of the first things to suffer with this, as it is one of the stresses a suffer has difficulty maintaining. This does not mean it cannot be done, it can but with extreme patience, understanding and boundary setting by you. Plus a lot of hard work from him.

I hope your husband is getting some kind of professional help, and you have outside support for yourself.

We carers are always here to help each other where we can, just send out a flare as we say and one of us will see it.

Good luck and take care.

Amethist

 

[CCurry]

Hi Annie,

I was in the same position as you are and I think Pixie is right on.

For me it got so bad that he couldn't even drive home without getting physically sick and the closer he got to home the more sick he got.

I so feel your pain though.

C.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I have PTSD also. Have for most of my life, and I am just now understanding why, I keep the ones that I love and care about, at an arms length. Why, I push them out, why I shut down and isolate.....

This may or may not be relevant in your husbands case, but these are just some of the things I am learning about myself....

With most people I know, I can have a mask on, a wall around me for safety that keeps most people at bay. I can have a relationship with them on a casual basis. I can joke, laugh, and maintain myself for the most part.

I have just reunited with my daughter, after 6 years of estrangement......I WANT this relationship so badly that, I know I must totally open up, and what I am finding is extremely painful.....

Our loved ones know us, they have expectations of us, and in a relationship there is an emotional, and physical closeness that one must have.....This is hard for people with PTSD.....

It's hard to open yourself up, it's raw, it hurts, there is fear, shame, guilt, and on some level there is a certain amount of resentment. Well, there is for me anyway....Opening all of this up, is causing a great deal of stress for me, anxiety, flashbacks, and I am fighting to keep my head straight......There are times I just want to say screw it, but I know that I can't....

I'm sorry that you and you child are going through this, and I hope that things get better for you both. Read, and learn as much as you can....It will help.....

 

[AnnieLloyd]

Thank you so much for your insight...it really does mean a lot. All I want is to know how I can help my husband get through this very difficult time. I know he is hurting, and I hate that I cannot help him through it myself. I will continue to read and inform myself on PTSD and chat with people who have been through the same.

 

[fjlloyd]

Lately it seems like no one can help.

 

[dust]

Hi Annie,

I have a good friend who triggers me and it is hard work. I can be really nasty to them sometimes! I have to try very hard to contain my anger. On occasion, I spend time with the therapist trying to work out what it is that triggers me, and it is a process of making those things conscious. That really helps me contain it. Is your husband getting help?

best,

dust

 

[ISupportHer]

I Hear You

Sorry that you have continued trouble and I hear the pain in your words.

I don't know know anything about your situation other than what I have read in this thread.

I truly believe that some of these type of things fall back on us to some extent. I hope you have read a lot on the forum since you first posted. Although it is very hard, I think we as carers do have to sometimes look at ourselves and how we fit in. By this, I mean, for example, evaluating our own responses and how our reactions may fan the flames. And I am in no way saying it is easy. Some of us here comment about the feeling that we sometimes feel like we are doing so much, trying so hard.

Not saying suffers have it easy. Of course they don't. But we cannot directly impact that or change what happened to them. But we CAN evaluate ourselves, which in turn may in effect, help dial down the thermostat, so to speak.

Nor suggesting even that you do it alone. I, for one, know first hand about me just reacting when I am stressed rather that being able to take a pause and think it through. I truly feel you have to do whatever you feel you need to do. Posting here, venting or asking advice. Support groups if available. Some police departments have wifes groups for support. Even therapy for yourself and to help you deal with it all. I even thing the general chat here helps, just to feel like you can talk with others that "get it".

So, in the mean time, :Hug_emoticon:and keep posting!

Adding one last point. I hope that you can find some small comfort in the fact that you are not alone in your feelings. I do not to detract from your sense that you face this alone at home, just that others have similar experiences and feelings. For example, your statement of feeling you may be his trigger has been said on this forum before. Almost word for word.

ISH

 

[Nicolette]

Lately it seems like no one can help.

The sad reality of PTSD is that the person who can help is the sufferer.....they just have to get to that point within themselves to start the ball rolling.