as there's truly nothing left for me here, when everyone I care about has either boogied or is on the other side already.
10 years ago I had a fun life - two loving, funny parents who were so very close to me, and a bunch of really good friends who'd drop in whenever they felt like it. I knew I'd lose my parents one day: gonna happen to all of us. I dreaded it, mind you, with every fiber of my being. But I'd always have my best friends! All of whom are my age, and whilst we ain't young, we ain't doddering yet either.
Uh. Then you drop 8 years of abuse into the mix: the unexpected. My parents passed 9 and 7 years ago respectively. At my mom's wake, one of my best friends brought a date: she and I became great friends. She moved in to get back on her feet when my dad then passed - seemed a brilliant notion.
Uh. Things happened, she sorta went a bit berserk. Letters of protection. Detectives. Ugliness. I finally get rid of her - and surprise! PTSD. How fun: I only thought Nam vets got it. (Yes, really.) And me who dated so many! So many trips to groups with them! So many flashbacks I rode through - and now? Me having them.
Me terrified 24/7 that that idiot was gonna break in here. (She did: multiple times - learned of the PTSD, learned how terrified I was - and hey. It is fun, scaring me like that - I'm sort of the type that is known to never be scared.)
Thing is, when all was said and done - it turned out (I THINK) that more was said and done than I'd imagined - she managed to get rid of all of my local friends, including my best friends. Note: "All", not "Some". "ALL."
For more than 2 years, been fighting the PTSD. In and out of therapy: tried EMDR, but at first my T said "No, we can't do it yet as it tamps down your fight or flight and you need it as you're still in danger." (True.) Well, finally we started the dang EMDR - and it was amazing. It worked so well that after 4 sessions I was cured. I felt great. No more stress - no nightmares, no panic, no flashbacks! No more suicidal thoughts. By golly that EMDR was amazing!
Uh. 8 months later - like Schwarzenegger, "I'm boooock". And it was. My T said something about "Anniversary" something: all I knew was that yes, it was back full force. And now? That happened in June of "15 - it's not let up since. I tried to go back for EMDR - my EMDR T said "This time you won't vanish for a year, right?" I said "Of course not." But my sleep got so hosed - can't sleep at all, so sleep when I can. Can't leave the dang house anyway, not without a supremely good reason.
Truly the sleep did in the therapy - I kept making plans to go, then either sleeping or feeling so godawful couldn't go.
Just as I sort of got the sleep thing under control the holidays hit - and that's hell for me in good times as I miss my parents so badly. NOT to mention my best friends - or any friends at all here locally.
I own a very large online community - got a ton of buds online. Truly not a soul here locally, or rather not one who is close to me in any way. So, imagine the PTSD fun, and 3 cats (yay them!) and - the 4 walls. Or people I pay to come clean/run errands. Sounds pathetic, I know -but I watch those family commercials around the Xmas tree and CRICKEY! One more and break out the blades, IYKWIM!
For me, the main thing is NOT the solitude per se - I enjoy my own company. My main thing is utter bewilderment at having lost so many friends, including 3 or 4 I figured we'll all be in our rocking chairs smoking cigs! My abuser did/said something, dunno - but they are GONE. I did reach out once she was gone - I said I was really sick, she was gone, I had been diagnosed with this PTSD crap and more than anything I needed a friend. Could they possibly come hang out?
No reply.
I know that's long and rambling, sorry for that. My friends online get bored when I speak of this - I've been told none too delicately to "Stop moaning!" Ya know - all you really want to do is die, you reach out to folks and that's what you get? It can't be just me that experiences that, can it? Not that any of us, I'm positive, EVER "moan" that much. Hell I hate talking about what happened to me: triggers me into monster panting panic attacks every bloody time! But yes when a good friend asks how are you, I sorta lack a filter - they're liable to get "Oh jolly. Another 20 happy Christmas family/Thanksgiving commercials, plus YOU just complained about all the work you have to do in order to feed 14 people - me? I'm looking forward to a bag of chips. Oh, "4 bedroom walls! 3 Siamese cats! 2 bags of chips... and a fresh clump in their litter box!" (Sung to 12 days of Christmas.)
I think what nailed me this year was when I suddenly realized that the ONLY faces I see at my house now - are faces I bloody well pay to be here!!! That is utterly impossible, to my way of thinking. You know you'll lose parents, but where is it written that all your friends boogie at the same time thanks to a deranged nut you were kind enough to take in?
My online buds keep saying, "E, you need to try to contact those folks." I say I did, and they insist I try again. Way I figure it, those folks know my situation - and if they haven't responded, they MIGHT not be the kind of people I need in my life.
SO. All of that crap to say that once again I want out, but this time I truly see no redeeming factors. I am not big on EMDR - that T made me feel guilty for not going. Might just be me or my perception, but that's not a good thing. I do have a main psychotherapist I do trust. I just somehow can't see the use.
My best bud (bless her) lives in Nolo - and she will take the only things I'm really worried about. The lil fellas! (On reflection, I worry about her too.)
I keep hearing that with PTSD you get by because your family supports you - and/or your friends.
Am I the only suckah ain't got either one? (DO have them - just unable to travel for the most part.) To boot, most of my online friends -- including those I consider 'besties" -- don't 'get' PTSD on ANY level! One screamed at me dang near daily to "get off my arse and get out of the house." I bought a clue off Vanna (AND this forum) and sent him a link explaining PTSD - now he only does it every couple of days instead of daily. (Love him to death! Means well.)
Now I'm afraid I'm boring you good folks to tears as well. <sigh> didn't mean to - I'm always on the other side of this sort of thing. Always the bitchee - never the bitcher, so to speak. So I never learned to properly bitch? Oh lord I best quit whilst I'm ahead.
My main thing: I feel like I'd rather not be here, the people I love and trust most have crossed already. I do NOT want to be here. It hurts badly both physically =and= mentally: I'd give damn near anything for it to stop.
Stop the world - I want to get off.
Any words or advice would be greatly appreciated: it's been almost 3 years now, this dang PTSD and I'm still bewildered. Thanks for reading.
10 years ago I had a fun life - two loving, funny parents who were so very close to me, and a bunch of really good friends who'd drop in whenever they felt like it. I knew I'd lose my parents one day: gonna happen to all of us. I dreaded it, mind you, with every fiber of my being. But I'd always have my best friends! All of whom are my age, and whilst we ain't young, we ain't doddering yet either.
Uh. Then you drop 8 years of abuse into the mix: the unexpected. My parents passed 9 and 7 years ago respectively. At my mom's wake, one of my best friends brought a date: she and I became great friends. She moved in to get back on her feet when my dad then passed - seemed a brilliant notion.
Uh. Things happened, she sorta went a bit berserk. Letters of protection. Detectives. Ugliness. I finally get rid of her - and surprise! PTSD. How fun: I only thought Nam vets got it. (Yes, really.) And me who dated so many! So many trips to groups with them! So many flashbacks I rode through - and now? Me having them.
Me terrified 24/7 that that idiot was gonna break in here. (She did: multiple times - learned of the PTSD, learned how terrified I was - and hey. It is fun, scaring me like that - I'm sort of the type that is known to never be scared.)
Thing is, when all was said and done - it turned out (I THINK) that more was said and done than I'd imagined - she managed to get rid of all of my local friends, including my best friends. Note: "All", not "Some". "ALL."
For more than 2 years, been fighting the PTSD. In and out of therapy: tried EMDR, but at first my T said "No, we can't do it yet as it tamps down your fight or flight and you need it as you're still in danger." (True.) Well, finally we started the dang EMDR - and it was amazing. It worked so well that after 4 sessions I was cured. I felt great. No more stress - no nightmares, no panic, no flashbacks! No more suicidal thoughts. By golly that EMDR was amazing!
Uh. 8 months later - like Schwarzenegger, "I'm boooock". And it was. My T said something about "Anniversary" something: all I knew was that yes, it was back full force. And now? That happened in June of "15 - it's not let up since. I tried to go back for EMDR - my EMDR T said "This time you won't vanish for a year, right?" I said "Of course not." But my sleep got so hosed - can't sleep at all, so sleep when I can. Can't leave the dang house anyway, not without a supremely good reason.
Truly the sleep did in the therapy - I kept making plans to go, then either sleeping or feeling so godawful couldn't go.
Just as I sort of got the sleep thing under control the holidays hit - and that's hell for me in good times as I miss my parents so badly. NOT to mention my best friends - or any friends at all here locally.
I own a very large online community - got a ton of buds online. Truly not a soul here locally, or rather not one who is close to me in any way. So, imagine the PTSD fun, and 3 cats (yay them!) and - the 4 walls. Or people I pay to come clean/run errands. Sounds pathetic, I know -but I watch those family commercials around the Xmas tree and CRICKEY! One more and break out the blades, IYKWIM!
For me, the main thing is NOT the solitude per se - I enjoy my own company. My main thing is utter bewilderment at having lost so many friends, including 3 or 4 I figured we'll all be in our rocking chairs smoking cigs! My abuser did/said something, dunno - but they are GONE. I did reach out once she was gone - I said I was really sick, she was gone, I had been diagnosed with this PTSD crap and more than anything I needed a friend. Could they possibly come hang out?
No reply.
I know that's long and rambling, sorry for that. My friends online get bored when I speak of this - I've been told none too delicately to "Stop moaning!" Ya know - all you really want to do is die, you reach out to folks and that's what you get? It can't be just me that experiences that, can it? Not that any of us, I'm positive, EVER "moan" that much. Hell I hate talking about what happened to me: triggers me into monster panting panic attacks every bloody time! But yes when a good friend asks how are you, I sorta lack a filter - they're liable to get "Oh jolly. Another 20 happy Christmas family/Thanksgiving commercials, plus YOU just complained about all the work you have to do in order to feed 14 people - me? I'm looking forward to a bag of chips. Oh, "4 bedroom walls! 3 Siamese cats! 2 bags of chips... and a fresh clump in their litter box!" (Sung to 12 days of Christmas.)
I think what nailed me this year was when I suddenly realized that the ONLY faces I see at my house now - are faces I bloody well pay to be here!!! That is utterly impossible, to my way of thinking. You know you'll lose parents, but where is it written that all your friends boogie at the same time thanks to a deranged nut you were kind enough to take in?
My online buds keep saying, "E, you need to try to contact those folks." I say I did, and they insist I try again. Way I figure it, those folks know my situation - and if they haven't responded, they MIGHT not be the kind of people I need in my life.
SO. All of that crap to say that once again I want out, but this time I truly see no redeeming factors. I am not big on EMDR - that T made me feel guilty for not going. Might just be me or my perception, but that's not a good thing. I do have a main psychotherapist I do trust. I just somehow can't see the use.
My best bud (bless her) lives in Nolo - and she will take the only things I'm really worried about. The lil fellas! (On reflection, I worry about her too.)
I keep hearing that with PTSD you get by because your family supports you - and/or your friends.
Am I the only suckah ain't got either one? (DO have them - just unable to travel for the most part.) To boot, most of my online friends -- including those I consider 'besties" -- don't 'get' PTSD on ANY level! One screamed at me dang near daily to "get off my arse and get out of the house." I bought a clue off Vanna (AND this forum) and sent him a link explaining PTSD - now he only does it every couple of days instead of daily. (Love him to death! Means well.)
Now I'm afraid I'm boring you good folks to tears as well. <sigh> didn't mean to - I'm always on the other side of this sort of thing. Always the bitchee - never the bitcher, so to speak. So I never learned to properly bitch? Oh lord I best quit whilst I'm ahead.
My main thing: I feel like I'd rather not be here, the people I love and trust most have crossed already. I do NOT want to be here. It hurts badly both physically =and= mentally: I'd give damn near anything for it to stop.
Stop the world - I want to get off.
Any words or advice would be greatly appreciated: it's been almost 3 years now, this dang PTSD and I'm still bewildered. Thanks for reading.