Impending Doom/sensitive To Others' Pain

[somethingsomething]

Right now I'm having a lot of problems. Today was one of the worst days in a very long time. I could just feel the fear so deep within me it scares me.

Since I was a kid I've had a pretty bad sense of "impending doom". I was just sensitive to any "bad" notion of death - murder, plane/car accident, etc. When I'd watch movies that featured it - even if it wasn't in a graphic manner - it would freak me out.

I was sexually abused around 2 and 3. When I was 3, there was a boy I was experiencing this with, who I was very close to. But he left and I never saw him again. I dealt with some abandonment issues after that - especially when my parents separated for a bit. But I never truly experienced any kind of "death". I was very sensitive though - when someone was in pain, I could feel it. (I can still do this, but I've become more emotionally numb to it over the past decade or so.)

In fact, I keep seeing one memory in particular today. A bunch of us (around 4) were playing, and they started picking on this kid (who may have been younger.) And he was saying, "Stop it, you're hurting me." And y'all, when I tell you it tears me up inside - I mean, it chews me up and spits me back out. I know nothing serious happened. I know that is mostly the extent of it, but there's this impending doom there mixed with guilt that I just don't understand.

But the point of that is....I've realized these have been my feelings for the majority of my childhood...that it went beyond "death", but "pain"/"torture" too. And it's even seeped into adulthood. Except now, because I've grown emotionally distant or I know how to emotionally distance myself, it's more about things I can't control - like getting in an accident, etc. Although it can still happen from time to time. Depends on how sensitive I already am.

Anyone else have similar experiences/feelings?

 

[Friday]

Not sure it's the same thing... But my brain is constantly running scenarios. My mind usually ignores them. It's just background noise.

The angle of this off ramp means that oil will collect here, light rain after hot days of oil pooling will make people skid out here, sizes & reactions A-M will do this N-P that, Q-Y this, Z that. And I'm watching dozens of various accidents cycle through my mind.

And then I'm driving over a bridge, and watching various structural failures, or natural disasters hit it, or concussive force, or, or, or.

Every face & gait is a smorgasbord of emotions, data, all just pinging away.

Scenario after scenario after scenario. Most completely rational (that new off ramp did collect a ton of accidents every summer rain), some wildly bizarre what ifs.

I've learned to A) not talk about them with people (I'm not psychic, it's science, oil will collect in that sweeping curve, yeesh, do people really not notice this shit??? And thank god someone finally classified micro expressions into scientific format. I'm not empathic, I just notice shit other people apparently don't.) and B) Divorce my mind from them unless it's immediately useful. Sigh. Unless I'm in a bad PTSD place (or super-hormonal, pregnancy had me a hot mess of "We're dead. We're all dead."). Then every glint in the woods is a scope, and every damn exit/entrance need accounting for, and every pseudo-death in my head has me reacting like the world was coming to an end, and, and, and. Shudder. It's exhausting. My head gets so noisy when I can't take my mind off of everything I see.

Don't know why the hormones do it (bloody hormones), but the PTSD stuff is pretty clear: I'm reacting like this stuff is all pertinent and useful, because my brain is stuck in the past. When this stuff was life & death. It's not, now, but my alarms are all blazing like it is. Respond!!! Respond now! Why. Are. You. Ignoring. Me??? There! (Christ. Brain. That's a damn cat. Chill the hell out. Tranquilo. Breathe, you jumpy idiot.) Like every person and place is a threat that needs to be assessed. Irony : When I am in hot situations, I do calm down. I still notice everything, but it's useful, so I'm mega relaxed. The turmoil in my present life is at least half caused by the friction between my brain sending up alarms, and my mind telling it to bugger off. So my brain sends up even more alarms. From the present and past. Until it's all just a big dang blur. :confused: :eek: :banghead:

 

[Lionheart]

Since I was a kid I've had a pretty bad sense of "impending doom".

"...it's more about things I can't control - like getting in an accident, etc. Although it can still happen from time to time. Depends on how sensitive I already am."

Anyone else have similar experiences/feelings?

Hi , @somethingsomething ,

I am Lionheart777.

I was physically, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually abused on and off from the age of four (4) until I was almost 16 year old by several different people.

I have had a sense of impending doom since I was a small boy. I have many fears of death, plane/auto accidents, rape, murder, etc. and I have graphic night terrors and anxiety-filled PTSD nightmares.

I have learned to distance myself from the" gloom and doom" by putting my *faith in a "higher power", focusing on the things that I can control, and mindfulness meditations. I also take a medicine called Minipress that has thankfully helped to stop the PTSD nightmares.

I still have fears but they are a lot less intense as they used to be. I still think of the worst case scenario first..... no matter what situation I find myself in, but I am able to recognize it for what it is and distance myself from it.

I just wanted to share and to wish you comfort, peace, and healing....because I do believe I understand what it is like. It is occasionally difficult for me, but it is a lot less frequent than it used to be, so please know that these things can and do get better. You are not alone.

Peace,
Lionheart

 

[Intrepid]

The first time I heard the term "impending doom" my brother used it. He was joking, in a sense, but he had experienced what I had. I can see him now with that sense of impending doom, well managed, but very much entrenched.

I've managed mine well too. I just push it away. That works until I need to be involved with others. When I'm isolated I can do just fine. When I'm getting noticed, or especially positive attention, that's a different story.

Over a long time I've had to pick apart my fears. My therapist, as a challenger of my fears, has been a lot of help. They were buried, or just so smashed up in my head that I couldn't describe them coherently. Now, I'm pretty good at describing my feelings of doom, which makes them manageable in a real way.

 

[somethingsomething]

@FridayJones @Lionheart777 @Intrepid

But isn't it strange that we're so sensitive to this? I don't know. I know it's a very common symptom, but I just don't understand why. Especially since there was nothing "violent" per se on my end - I wasn't at war, I wasn't brutally raped, I didn't see someone die/have a near death experience.

Is it the guilt? Is it because our trust was violated? What makes us so sensitive to pain and death like this?

 

[Lionheart]

@FridayJones

Is it the guilt? Is it because our trust was violated? What makes us so sensitive to pain and death like this?

These are good questions that I don't have the answer to, but I do hope you find answers and peace,

Lion

 

[JustBe]

Yup. Me too.
I numb out because feeling everything, ALL the time is not only painful but exhausting. I rely on my SD or family if they're around for reality checks because to me, Everything and Everyone is a potential danger.

 

[Friday]

But isn't it strange that we're so sensitive to this? I don't know. I know it's a very common symptom, but I just don't understand why. Especially since there was nothing "violent" per se on my end - I wasn't at war, I wasn't brutally raped, I didn't see someone die/have a near death experience.

Is it the guilt? Is it because our trust was violated? What makes us so sensitive to pain and death like this?

Off the bat... I don't have childhood trauma.

For me... I know my brain has always been like this to lesser extent. Some disorders are characterized by their sensory processing, others have it as a component. Hypervig is an aspect of sensory processing. What parts of life and the world the brain kicks to the forefront (our mind) and what parts it ignores as business as usual. Most people's brains, or so I'm given to understand, simply don't regard most of the information at hand that's being gleaned from the 5 senses as relevant. Being ADHD, I have always had the deluge of information. What changed is how I interpret that information.

The military focused it; what kinds of things to prioritize, to be looking out for (the very classic: I have ADHD but I don't think they- Oh! Look! A chicken!...is actually damn useful when the Oh! Look! is a sniper, mined ground, etc).

PTSD put a polish on it. So instead of only being hypervig when my life is at risk, my brain has decided that waking up is clearly the least dangerous thing that's going to happen to me, today. And it better be locked, cocked, ready to rock.

Personally... My opinion is that it's a common symptom because it's adaptive: It helps us survive. In many cases, we wouldn't have survived if those instincts either weren't so keen or didn't kick in full force right when we needed them. Either as children, or adults. In single, or complex trauma. While many of us beat ourselves up / blame ourselves for doing ABC instead of XYZ... It's doing ABC which let us survive. We can second guess all we want, but whether it's something we're proud of, or ashamed of, our choices back then mean that we're still breathing now. A very, very adaptive trait for survival. Maybe not so much for general happiness & well being, but a fantastic one for not dying. Those traits tend to stick around.

 

[shell]

I hate that sense of impending doom, I've only had it a few of times, but I would get it right before I was having flashbacks of being raped, that I had blocked out. I got to recognise that it was a signal of part of the memory coming back, it is the worst feeling ever, as if life is over. I since learnt it is just one of the many symptoms of anxiety or a panic attack.