Relationship In A Toxic Relationship. Is It Just His Ptsd?

[catwomanne]

I've been dating my boyfriend for more than a year now, we're both in our early 20's.
Everything was going well in our relationship until an incident happened to him. From being a total gentleman, he became such an ass and everyone couldn't believe the drastic change he's had.

Just this week, he was diagnosed of PTSD from the incident that happened to him 5 months ago. He also just started therapy. After his diagnosis, his family & I were very supportive of him. Remember he became such an ass? We just acknowledged his condition and forgave him considering that his 'jerk phase' was caused by his PTSD.

Before diagnosis, our relationship was already toxic and I could say the reasons why were triggered by his trauma from the incident. After settling and acknowledging everything, I thought the cycle of our toxic relationship is gonna end. He's only had his first session at therapy and just started taking anti-depressants. I know it takes a long process to recover, but how do I know if the bad things he's doing to me are to be excused considering his PTSD?

Just hours ago, we had an argument and he broke up with me. I can no longer count how many times we've broken up because ever since he got traumatized, he broke up with me every time we argued - and according to my friends who are psychology majors, it's one of his many symptoms of PTSD. His family and our friends are just comforting me to stay strong, to be patient and understanding that he's being an ass because of his PTSD. When we had an argument the other day, he was giving me the excuse that he's still being an ass to me, triggered by his PTSD.

Growing up, I've experienced verbal abuse from my parents. I grew up in a broken family with dysfunctional and toxic relationships. I feel 'traumatized' every time my boyfriend would do a form of verbal abuse to me because it brings me back to the pain of my childhood and no, I can't afford a therapist.

Should I just be patient with him? Because in all honesty, our relationship is toxic and it's as if his trauma has eaten our relationship. Compared to many, we're young so is our relationship, but I can't seem to handle all the insults and be told by everyone to just understand him. It's as if his PTSD is an excuse for him to hurt me.

He's pushing me away now, although our family and friends encourage me to stay strong because he needs me now. I really can't seek help from my friends (not even those psychology majors) because that means I'd have to spread the word that my boyfriend has PTSD. Not that we're ashamed of it, but it's to prevent people from asking too much about what happened. I'm actually fine breaking up with him to save me from all the stress, but I think it's quite unfair if I leave him in such a situation; and I still love him, above all. Although he told me earlier that he's also fine breaking up with me because he says he's such a burden to me, having PTSD and all. He's been insulting me and telling me stuff like he hates me, he wants me gone in his life, etc.

What do I do?

 

[Overcast]

First of all you found this forum. I would read up on the articles on PTSD and get to understand the illness, I would journal out my emotions and thoughts about your relationship and what you need. PTSD is tough on relationships. I know I have pushed people away because of fear and I have regretted it later. Maybe there is a step between breaking if off and keeping the relationship. What about defining the relationship as a friendship and set firm boundaries with him when he is calling you names you will walk away until he cools off and can discuss the issue at hand without the name calling. When he gets some healing behind him then you can discuss a deeper relationship if both of you desire. I would also continue posting as well for your own support, They do have a place for supporters.

 

[rightkindofme]

If I were you I would say, "I love you and I would like to be supportive of you. I have to take care of me first and our relationship is hurting me. When you can handle some boundaries I think we could work towards a friendship because I care for you very much."

Don't let people hurt you just because they have PTSD. That's not good for them or you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

One thought.... Trauma permanently changes people. Don't expect to get your pre-trauma boyfriend back because that guy is gone forever. I'm not saying he is going to be a jerk for the rest of his life, but I don't want you to hold out hope that your pre-trauma boyfriend will come back one day and things will be just like they were. This is unrealistic. Things can improve and if he works at healing I have no doubt that the symptoms will decrease and he will find a "normal " state again---- but it's a matter of finding a new normal.

I wish you the best.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You cannot excuse everything he does with PTSD. It may be a reason, but it is no excuse to be hateful and awful to you. If you do decide to stay in the relationship, you have to learn to manage things without becoming a doormat or codependent.

The supporter section here is great, and there are several threads on learning how to set boundaries with your sufferer and deal with their symptoms. There is also some good information under the articles tab that can help you research the disorder.

It's hard work being a supporter. It's pretty thankless at times, and you can be on the receiving end of a lot of crap behavior and hurt. If you are willing to put in the effort, make sure he is willing to appreciate it. Don't waste your time and break your heart for somebody who is a jerk in general, never mind the PTSD.

 

[NicG]

I feel 'traumatized' every time my boyfriend would do a form of verbal abuse to me because it brings me back to the pain of my childhood

It's true that he's hurting and struggling, but this is not okay and cannot be excused by PTSD. Like Sweetpea76 said, PTSD influences the way we act but that doesn't mean we're not responsible or accountable for our actions.

My personal trauma came from being too supportive of a man who, in hindsight, probably had a serious mental illness (says my psychologist). Being a supporter is a beautiful thing and takes a lot of integrity, character and wisdom. But so does knowing when to walk away. I'm not going to claim to completely understand your situation so please don't hear me doing that but I think if he's insulting you and hurting you frequently and then excusing himself because he has PTSD, that's not something you deserve. And that's not something that belongs in a romantic relationship that is supposed to be full of love and support. I yell at my family for no good reason sometimes, I'm pretty sure all of us do... but I've learned to take responsibility and apologise. Thankfully my family now realises that I can't help what my emotions do but they forgive me rather than excuse me.

Also from what you say it doesn't sound like YOU have a great support network, full of people telling you to just suck it up because "he can't help it". If you're going to support someone, you need support for yourself... you can't hold an entire other person on your shoulders without other people to hold YOU up. And who on earth can stand up to insult after insult and not get hurt themselves?
Again this is just my two cents, I'm only 21 and I can't understand your whole situation from one post but I feel like being in a romantic relationship with someone who is so "toxic" with you isn't going to help either of you. A friendship is better because you can walk away when you need to and you don't have to have the same level of commitment, but you can still be there for him as he begins his journey for healing.

 

[Stephi]

Hi,

I was reading all your stories and I would like to tell mine so anybody can help me.

The thing is that I met my bf 7 years ago and we dated for like 2 months. We lost contact but every 2 years we started it to speak again.

I had 2 children with my ex and 1 year ago I left him for good because of all his physically and emotional abuse. About 7 months ago I started to speak with my former bf again and we moved together 5 months ago.

He was in the Army for 7 years and went to Afghanistan where he saw horrible things and was diagnosed with PTSD.

When I moved in with him the first 2 months were horrible because of me. Its like I was making him pay for what my EX did to me. We stayed together and tried to move on but sadly he put a wall between us since then.

Sometimes he so kind to me, he hug me, kiss me and all that but others times hes just in his own world where I cant comfort him. He has almost every night nightmares. Its like he has anger problems and sometimes when we have a fight he throw things or brake things.

Most part of the time he doesn't want to get intimate with me. Last month he broke up with me but when I left with all my stuffs and my kids we decided to get back together.

I love him and I think hes the love of my life but I want to know what can I do to help him and if I have to be scared all the time thinking he will brake up with me again. How can I support him so he can be the healthy man I once met?

Thank you so much,

 

[Hashi]

Growing up, I've experienced verbal abuse from my parents. I grew up in a broken family with dysfunctional and toxic relationships. I feel 'traumatized' every time my boyfriend would do a form of verbal abuse to me because it brings me back to the pain of my childhood and no, I can't afford a therapist. Should I just be patient with him? Because in all honesty, our relationship is toxic

If you can't afford a therapist, let me give you the budget version.

Why would you stay in this relationship that you so clearly identify as toxic and retraumatising?

What's in it for you?

 

[DeedeeRSM]

Why would you stay in this relationship that you so clearly identify as toxic and retraumatising?

Dear Catwomanne,

Before, when posters here asked me this, I answered: Because he says it'll get better when his therapy starts working and then he wants to get married.

Like you I was in a toxic relationship with a man suffering from PTSD.
He was emotionally abusive and never acknowledged it.

I had decided that I would stay with him forever and wait until he got a little better in managing his symptoms, waiting for his therapy to pay off. What I didn't know at that point, was that I was enabling him to get even more abusive and finding comfort in my enabling, so that he didnt feel the urge that he needed therapy. As you know therapy is also very hard for them because it brings up memories.

I stayed and I stayed, and in the end I almost lost my mind. I was sitting at home, depressed, dropped out of school, gained 20 pounds and my whole day was evolving around him and the 2 possible times a week I would see him.

One day I couldn't take it any longer (this was recently). I decided that all the posters were right in saying that it doesn't matter whether he has PTSD or not, abuse is abuse. I have to live with myself my whole life! So I left.

Look, there are a lot of sufferers, who are AWARE of their behaviour and who COMPROMISE with their partners about it.
An example of this compromise can be that he tells you he needs space and he has an episode, so you know this and you leave him alone. Then another compromise can be that he promises to pick up if you call him during that time, because you will only call him for emergencies during his space time. This is just a small example of how successful PTSD couples make their relationships work.

If your partner is like my ex, and doesnt acknowledge his abusive ways, thus not willing to compromise....then run for the hills because he's using it as an excuse.

I can tell you, the hills are pretty awesome.