Relationship In Need Of Help

[Olivia2016]

Why is it only this forum that talks about PTSD sufferers bailing on their partners suddenly? I neve...

I think this is probably not something specific for PTSD, because I did meet a couple of people with other diagnoses that did the same things: disappearing without contacts, coming back, going away again, etc. Probably people with mental conditions be in general just can't take the stress of relationships and interactions, it takes all their energy to survive day to day, and there is nothing left to partake in other people's drama. In my case, when we went to a psychologist and discussed my husband's moving out, the psychologist did not seem surprised, he seemed actually supportive and explained to me what my husband felt, so I did not feel that this was something unusual, I think specialists do know.

 

[Olivia2016]

Why is it only this forum that talks about PTSD sufferers bailing on their partners suddenly? I neve...

Also, I don't think there are stats on how long they disappear, I really would like to know myself, as I am in a position of waiting for I don't know what... People here say for some of them it's a couple of weeks, for others it's months, even a year... It seems this is very individual, depends on the circumstances, the character of the illness, and on personality too... The word unsettling does not describe what I feel about all this.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

The word unsettling does not describe what I feel about all this.

Soon it will be 2 months that my fiancee has been gone. Each day seems like another massive distance away from the day before. There was signs that she was going to return and now it FEELS like there is no hope of her ever coming back. If we had actually got legally married I'd feel a lot different regardless of how we were together and how much we went through together all while still loving each other. Like all the love just evaporated from her all together. Feels like waiting is like waking up in the desert and waiting for someone to come find you vs just stumbling forward to help yourself move on. All in all, just feels like drowning if you stay or attempt to move on. The pain and confusion still is there.

 

[Olivia2016]

Soon it will be 2 months that my fiancee has been gone. Each day seems like another massive distance...

I know how you feel. Same happened to me, with my husband of 7 years. Loving affectionate relationship, perfect life, always happy and optimistic person, and now he is gone and we have no communication: no calls, emails, texts. Complete reversal of personality. He used to call me 10 times a day, to to the point when I was annoyed that he did not let me work without interruptions... Don't think it would be different if you were legally married, it would not make a difference, most probably. I am glad you are on this website, it helped me to understand what is going on, I had no clue. I have a lot of guilt and regret that I did not know better earlier, but this is just that: I did not know better, and it probably would not change anything anyway. We all are in a very difficult position, waiting for nobody knows what not knowing whether this would be even happening. Like you fiancée, my husband said at the therapist that he would like to come back when he feels better if I am still available, so I will wait with hope. However, even though I understand the illness, it is hard to cope with abandonment and lack of communication. I have many good friends around me, but very few came across a mental condition and understand it, so most people are not supportive of waiting and have no clue what is happening out of ignorance. This forum is a big help, I am here every day.

 

[Olivia2016]

I know how you feel. Same happened to me, with my husband of 7 years. Loving affectionate relationshi...

Lol, therapist, not rapist, bad autocorrect...

 

[Deleted member 17302]

so most people are not supportive of waiting and have no clue what is happening

Exactly this. Most everyone says to just move on. Even people on this website do. The truth is, it could be a few months, or never.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I know over here on the supporter side it can seem pretty harsh sometimes. We occasionally upset a sufferer on the forum too. It's not meant to be discouraging at all. We're honestly trying to give supporters help for THEMSELVES.

Sometimes we all need a reality check, and it sucks when it comes.

You cannot function as the supporter in a PTSD relationship if you don't take care of your own mental health first and foremost. It just will not be healthy for either of you. A lot of supporters are all about their sufferer. They put their partner's issues first to the detriment of themselves. If you do that, it turns codependent really fast, then you're miserable.

For example the isolation/space thing.... Most supporters can understand it, and say they're good with it, but they aren't at peace with it. A lot of supporters will say "I understand you need space, it is fine with me. I'll give you your space, contact me if you're ready." Then they turn around and stress and stress and stress... "It's been X amount of time, s/he should have called by now." Stress stress stress, "what's wrong? They must not love me. It's a bad sign. I need to know they love me." Stress stress stress "I'm going to keep texting them that I love them." So on and so forth....

If you make peace with it you just accept it is what it is. He's not feeling well, and he needs left alone. It's not anything to do with me. The most loving thing I can do is relax, and truly be OK when he needs space. The sheer amount of stress that lifts from YOU is amazing.

Part of making that peace is accepting that your partner cannot be in a relationship if they're not healthy enough for one. You can't make somebody stay. You can't fix them or expect them to get better in XYZ timeframe. All you can do is decide how long you are willing to wait. That's going to be individual to everybody... Nobody can dictate how you feel about that. I decided after my vet isolated the first time that I couldn't take a long period of isolation. At that point in time, he isn't well enough to be in a relationship. I love him to death, but I can't rot away in the corner for years.

 

[shimmerz]

how I am goin to make him fall back in love with me.

This to me is an asshole statement and one that indicates a need for control. Sounds like a real playing on your insecurities. I would be careful if I was you. If he is going to break your heart, do it on your terms, not his.

 

[Olivia2016]

I know over here on the supporter side it can seem pretty harsh sometimes. We occasionally upset a su...

I am sorry you feel like you are rotting away without your partner. But what if I don't feel that I am rotting? I have a very demanding full-time job, a passionately loved hobby that requires a lot of time, my close family, and friends, who I love and want to spend time with. I don't "have to have" a man in the house to live a normal life, but I do miss my husband and our time together. I am not sure what is wrong with just living alone and waiting, even if this is for some time. I believe that everyone is connected by energies, and not giving up on my side also gives him more energy to deal with his problem. What is wrong with that? People are so fast to move on to new partners, new friends, new life, it seems that they cannot fill their lives with meaning without being next to a man (woman). Also, I am a spiritual person. In our case, we encountered a pure evil, came in a contact with Satan himself (my husband was assaulted and almost killed when he least expected it, when he felt safe). To me, just giving up and moving on like nothing happened is to let the dark forces of the Universe win. It just does not feel right to me, independently of my feelings for my husband.
However, I don't see what is wrong about exchanging the stories and trying to understand what is going on, and how long it may last, and what is the best thing to do, especially regarding contacts that seem to be so sensitive. There is very little information anywhere else, and this website with all the stories and exchanges has been very helpful to me and, I am sure, to other people. Why shame those who are waiting for trying to discuss what is the best behavior and letting others know what they are doing, whether this is working or not? Your reality may not be somebody else's reality, and giving someone who is in pain a "reality pill" is not always helping: things need to run their course, and, while they do, many of supporters may benefit from hoping and getting support in their waiting rather than advised to just move on. Every situation and every person are different, I would never take a responsibility to advise to someone to leave the relationship not knowing all the details and history.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Olivia2016 you missed a whole lot of my post. Nobody is shaming anybody

. We're honestly trying to give supporters help for THEMSELVES.

and this....

All you can do is decide how long you are willing to wait. That's going to be individual to everybody... Nobody can dictate how you feel about that.

Nobody is doing anything but sharing and giving advice. I never said don't wait.

However, you made assumptions about me. I never said I was rotting away without my partner. My partner and I have been together for almost 4 years while he has been highly symptomatic. He is physically disabled from Iraq, but his PTSD disables him ten times more than his physical injuries. We have never broken up, but he is an isolator. That is one of his coping mechanisms.

We have found a way to manage that in our relationship. One of the ways we've done that is by setting boundaries. I respect his need for space, and he respects my needs. We have a routine in place that lets him have alone time when he needs it, but also respects my needs. One of my personal boundaries is that I'm not going to sit in limbo for months wondering if he's ever coming back. To me, that crosses the line. That's not love. That's not respect. Also, if he breaks up with me he better mean it, because I'm taking it at face value.

Those are *MY* boundaries based on my feelings. I had one bad marriage, so I'm not about unhealthy relationships anymore. They're two way streets, and there has to be effort on both parts, even if he has PTSD.

His PTSD does not mean that he gets to hurt me as much as he wants, whenever he wants, with no consequences. Period.

 

[Deleted member 17302]

I am sorry you feel like you are rotting away without your partner. But what if I don't feel that I a...

Feel free to wait on your partner if you don't feel you want/need to move on. Sometimes it works out so it's plenty ok to wait. Nobody is forcing you to move on even if you feel like people are trying to get you to. Your life, your choices, your outcome. You seem fine to wait because you are busy and that is plenty ok. Don't feel like you have to move on right away or even a couple months from now. Just whenever you'd like to.