I am struggling to keep my head above water here in snowy central Pa. I hve shared parts of my very difficult story of no family and blame for my own abuse. I was kicked out of my family.
I am in my 40s and living on my own paying my bills but struggling to stay on Medicaid which keeps me in a disabled like and dependent state. Before my Mom had cut me off she did offer me money. This was her way of showing "love" and she said sadly one time in my apt the only way she knew how. She stalked me on Valentines day in a grocery store parking lot despite the fact she put a PFA on me 1 1/2 years ago. I think she was trying to escalate things to make me break it 100 percent to make me fit her version her false version of things. As much as I was triggered and even might be tempted to have a relationship with my narcissistic abusive mother I ignored her. I have been bullied by the medical community here for speaking up about my care to the hilt. I don't know how to go into all of that. I was literally slandered.... accused of recording at the drs something I didn't do but said one time do I need to? Big difference between asking that and having differences than to doing it which they said is a crime without consent and to which I'm well aware Pa is a 2 party consent state. Endless drama and one up manship in my life. Ppl are threatened by me in that I speak up and that's really the root of it in my family and other places here in central Pa. ???? I am not perfect but I am a good person a peace-loving law-abiding person who is yes at times outspoken. That was to my prior knowledge allowed in the US without being threatened everywhere. Freedom of speech is a basic right for men women and folks of all ages/gender identities/ ethnicities/regardless of disability etc.
I was harassed at an auction this weekend by a nutcase who threatened me for asking two questions before the bidding commenced. He sues police around here. I could say his name but won't. He actually did turn a camera on me or so he said. I have ppl literally out to get me, and not in my mind but really out to get me...and ppl who are supposed to be good and kind....and I wonder sometimes what the point of my life is when all that happens is I keep getting pummeled by it and bullies. I don't enjoy my life or the weather here I have no family here and in fact I have to worry about legal issues should I run into them or try to talk to them??? It's messed up b/c I was the victim. Ppl might say that but in my case it was true and certain entities saw that but things came out wrong in the end and systems are imperfect...very imperfect around here. I wonder why teachers didn't help me in the 80s 90s when I reported severe abuse. They were mandated to. I didn't know there was such thing as Child and Youth services or I would have myself. I was failed and this is the town where Jerry Sandusky abused/raped young men for many years and the victims were even sometimes vilified....disgusting! Also his wife protected him. My Mom did the same with my Stepdad in the past and 1 1/2 years ago.
Again gross. Wrong. But things went in her favor. I have intense trauma ptsd I am guessing for life b/c of this. I want to heal as much as I can. I am bullied alot. I am judged how I deal with my trauma. Ppl should not judge how others deal with extreme trauma without any support system. This is my situation..other than counselors, which I go to. I try hard I work hard (despite not working). I do not collect food stamps. I want to work. I got had rough breaks through helth physical mental and other abuse medical abuse even and endless stressors. I think and or know ppl in my hometown see a woman alone near 50 struggling without close friends or family and assume there must be something wrong with me and or well treat me like an easy target...and that's exactly how I have been treated despite even earning labels I didn't deserve. Im a woman who speaks up for herself but whom has no one in her corner. It's sad.
I am in my 40s and living on my own paying my bills but struggling to stay on Medicaid which keeps me in a disabled like and dependent state. Before my Mom had cut me off she did offer me money. This was her way of showing "love" and she said sadly one time in my apt the only way she knew how. She stalked me on Valentines day in a grocery store parking lot despite the fact she put a PFA on me 1 1/2 years ago. I think she was trying to escalate things to make me break it 100 percent to make me fit her version her false version of things. As much as I was triggered and even might be tempted to have a relationship with my narcissistic abusive mother I ignored her. I have been bullied by the medical community here for speaking up about my care to the hilt. I don't know how to go into all of that. I was literally slandered.... accused of recording at the drs something I didn't do but said one time do I need to? Big difference between asking that and having differences than to doing it which they said is a crime without consent and to which I'm well aware Pa is a 2 party consent state. Endless drama and one up manship in my life. Ppl are threatened by me in that I speak up and that's really the root of it in my family and other places here in central Pa. ???? I am not perfect but I am a good person a peace-loving law-abiding person who is yes at times outspoken. That was to my prior knowledge allowed in the US without being threatened everywhere. Freedom of speech is a basic right for men women and folks of all ages/gender identities/ ethnicities/regardless of disability etc.
I was harassed at an auction this weekend by a nutcase who threatened me for asking two questions before the bidding commenced. He sues police around here. I could say his name but won't. He actually did turn a camera on me or so he said. I have ppl literally out to get me, and not in my mind but really out to get me...and ppl who are supposed to be good and kind....and I wonder sometimes what the point of my life is when all that happens is I keep getting pummeled by it and bullies. I don't enjoy my life or the weather here I have no family here and in fact I have to worry about legal issues should I run into them or try to talk to them??? It's messed up b/c I was the victim. Ppl might say that but in my case it was true and certain entities saw that but things came out wrong in the end and systems are imperfect...very imperfect around here. I wonder why teachers didn't help me in the 80s 90s when I reported severe abuse. They were mandated to. I didn't know there was such thing as Child and Youth services or I would have myself. I was failed and this is the town where Jerry Sandusky abused/raped young men for many years and the victims were even sometimes vilified....disgusting! Also his wife protected him. My Mom did the same with my Stepdad in the past and 1 1/2 years ago.
Again gross. Wrong. But things went in her favor. I have intense trauma ptsd I am guessing for life b/c of this. I want to heal as much as I can. I am bullied alot. I am judged how I deal with my trauma. Ppl should not judge how others deal with extreme trauma without any support system. This is my situation..other than counselors, which I go to. I try hard I work hard (despite not working). I do not collect food stamps. I want to work. I got had rough breaks through helth physical mental and other abuse medical abuse even and endless stressors. I think and or know ppl in my hometown see a woman alone near 50 struggling without close friends or family and assume there must be something wrong with me and or well treat me like an easy target...and that's exactly how I have been treated despite even earning labels I didn't deserve. Im a woman who speaks up for herself but whom has no one in her corner. It's sad.