Increase Anxiety/support Group

[ashdawn8287]

So I am in a support group for sexual assault/abuse victims. It got pretty deep today and I scratched the surfaces of a few dark things in my past. Not only that, I have never been so open and honest to a group of women and therapists. It was a lot to handle. I noticed myself spacing out a lot, but kept catching myself.

My CBT therapist focuses on thoughts and changing them, which change your behavior and I like that, but we don't really dig down deeper. I get the whole changing from a victim to survivor mentality and I have worked really hard on that and my behaviors are normal, stable, no behavior is made because of PTSD anymore.

What I can't stop is the guilt from self harming and destructive behaviors like drinking, pot, and the occasional pharmaceutical pain pills/anxiety pills. On top of surrounding myself with people who abused me verbally, emotionally, and physically after I "legally" became an adult. Now that I have matured and look back it hurts.


I notice that most of the women are rape survivors not childhood sexual abuse. I feel like mine isn't worth speaking about, I feel I am grieving the person I never knew before that night when I was 4 years old, how much things could have been differently, and how much effort and hard work I have to put into my every day, my every word, my every thought, my every decision, and my every action because of all of this. I am constantly trying to separate normal everyday feelings vs PTSD feelings.

I think I am really struggling with the physical violence/emotional part of my life. I have spent most of my time ridding myself and cleansing myself of the sexual abuse I have not taking the time to talk about the physical abuse and how much it had impacted me after the relationships were over. My self esteem is just screwed I don't even know what that feels like and fake it most of the time.

I got those yucky creepy crawly feelings in the support group today. I just wanted to hide.

I am experiencing some anxiety right now and just calmed myself before I had one and trying not to have one now. I meditated earlier, took a nice long hot relaxing bath with stress relief gels and stress relief lotion afterwards. So i did try grounding. Now i am listening to Beethoven, because classical music helps me relax. i just hate the dizziness of my life.

I guess I am having hard time forgiving myself for the behaviors that reflected the PTSD part of me.

I am meeting with one of the group therapists tomorrow for an individual meeting.

Any advice or words of encouragement? Thank you.

 

[LisawithPTSD]

I find that my anxiety heightens when I have to share deeper details as well. My therapists said that facing those things, worrying about being judged, etc is anxiety inducing. So, for that matter, its sounds like, despite the anxiety, you are taking steps in the right direction. I think you'll find that as you express this thoughts and feelings and aren't judged you'll feel better.

My PTSD started in childhood with emotional and physical abuse--not sexual. For the longest time I thought, partly because my abusers convinced me of it, that I was just paranoid and weak and broken. I felt guilty about talking about it--like I was complaining. I realize now that they were at fault and it is a feeling I need to honor and work thru. The trauma a child experiences is different than an adult. For example, a baby left in a cold room for a long time will cry and be traumatized, an adult in a cold room would just get up and walk out. So from that perspective, things are more traumatic for a child because they are more trapped.

I also blame myself for acting out my anxiety with drinking and pot. I hate myself the next day and have flashback for days on end after a night out. I say and do things that I feel humiliate myself. When I check with other people in my group, they don't see it that way. Its more about me being ultra-hard on myself about not wanting to make a mistake. This beating myself up is a part of the PTSD. I'm being my abuser. I'm preparing myself to be criticized and so I look for the ways I might draw criticism. Does that make sense? Perhaps its the same for you.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Ashdawn,

I don't post office because school is consuming me right now, but there are always thoughts in my head, so I wanted to offer my support. I'm so sorry you are feeling venerable and anxious; I know it's an uncomfortable place to be! I admire your courage for being in the support group and "digging deeper" tonight! Knowledge is power, and I know you will use what you learn to help sufferers, including yourself, along their journeies toward healing! You a strong; give yourself credit for doing the dirty work!

My CBT therapist focuses on thoughts and changing them, which change your behavior and I like that, but we don't really dig down deeper.

This is exactly why I don't like CBT and why my therapist acts as a supporter, even though her training is in CBT. I really resist the techniques, especially as I get older. It's like okay, I have the tools to cope; I just need you to listen and validate my feelings (hurt, guilt). Does this sound like you? If so, can you ask for/teall your therapist what you need, that is, to go deeper?

I hope your individual meeting goes well! I am thinking of you and hoping the intensity eases soon!

~Holly

 

[ashdawn8287]

Thank you so much for those nice responses it means a lot.

Lisa- yes that does make sense and sounds a lot like me. Thank you for sharing that advice it helped me and I am so sorry you had to go through all those terrible thing in your childhood, I am glad you are taking care of yourself :). I know those feeling about drinking and smoking pot all too well. If I could count how many times I embarrassed myself drunk, it would be incredibly high. I don't drink (maybe a glass of wine here or there but I don't get drunk) I had to stop because it stopped being "fun" it stopped being everything I thought it was and turned into evil and it consumed me. My stomach can't tolerate it anymore. That makes complete sense about the different perspectives. I guess I have a hard time opening up and worrying way too much about what others things, the women are great in that group but yes I do feel like mine is deep deep rooted and from a child's perspective. I also feel like I am about to be criticized too so I magnify the things I don't like about myself and prepare myself for it and when it doesn't happen I go and look for it to confirm my beliefs.

Holly- thank you for taking the time to respond, I know how school goes, it is incredibly time consuming and I am proud you are doing that, I think education is important and it helps build confidence, so go you and for making the time to respond, it means more than you know. Thank you for making me see the positives with this as well :). Yes I feel that same way with CBT therapy. Mine is great and I seriously adore her and for helping me teach the skills to cope, but yes I do have feelings from past hurts/trauma that I need to explore and be told it is okay to feel like that or "normal" to feel that given my situation and background and that I shouldn't beat myself for having those feelings or just ignore them, but to figure them out and release them and continuing to use to CBT I learned a long the way of it. I feel like she is just the supporter too.

I am hoping the individual therapy for the support group helps, they seem to focus strictly on everything related with sexual trauma, especially emotions. I will share my experiences with it. I have tried to mention this with her, especially since recently it was the anniversary and she told me I was wearing my trauma blanket again and identifying too much with it. I didn't agree with that because I am not experiencing pity-this are things I can't control that is part of the PTSD that I am experiencing and I didn't like how she was more or less telling me to get over it, yes I get finding closure and letting go is important and I am not hanging on, I just can't help but re experience things with PTSD and with the anniversary and my emotions I just don't think she gets that. It is the first time I had even the slightest issues with her. I like the CBT skills she gives me, I like the thinking positive and retraining my brain how to think, but I don't like the no validation to feelings. Hoping to get that later today with the individual therapist. It helps that I have opened up in group and have met this therapist 3 times and am really comfortable with her. She is really funny too. So nice and lets you feel those feelings and offers her experiences.

Again, thank you both. Hope you both are having/had wonderful days.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If anything, I have MORE compassion for childhood abuse victims because we have a different set of challenges to overcome that most of the world doesn't understand. So don't think of your trauma as less than that of a rape victim. If anything, childhood abuse is more difficult to overcome so you should be proud of yourself for all you've done.

 

[ButterflyBean]

It is the first time I had even the slightest issues with her. I like the CBT skills she gives me, I like the thinking positive and retraining my brain how to think, but I don't like the no validation to feelings

When I first started therapy, I was at what I like to call "ground zero", meaning I had no coping techniques and would have panic attacks every session. I started resisting CBT when I felt like I had enough tools in my toolbox; then we talked about what her role as my therapist could be and what my goals were. She took on the supporter role a few years ago, but I've needed her more in the last few months, then I have ever needed before. Starting in mid July, things just keep happening left and right; we've had extra therapy sessions, both in frequency and in length, and she has just plain been there for me.

The point of all this, is that even though we have a very strong relationship that is on my comfort level, we've had our share of issues. For example, I brought something to her attention last week that was on my mind for quite some time. We email and text in between sessions, and her responses to my emails lately haven't seemed validating. We talked about how it's easier to validate in person, based on tone, body language, and expression, but she agreed to work on it. Have you thought about discussing feeling invalidated with your therapist? From what you said, it seems like you have a comfortable relationship like me, so I'm sure she would understand your need to feel validated and maybe redefine therapy goals?

Don't get me wrong, CBT has its purposes, but in my opinion, and experience, there comes a point in which it is no longer a form of therapy, but the clients choice to use the given tools. There is much more to therapy than CBT, and while it may be a therapist's main treatment approach, it is only one component. Is there a way for you to focus less on CBT and more on receiving support? Do you think your therapist would be open to that?

I hope your individual therapy session went well today, and that you got your feelings validated! I know how hard it is to ask for what you need need, but once you do, I promise you it feels a lot better! Keep up the good work; as I said before, you are strong!

~Holly

 

[ashdawn8287]

I was like that too when I first started CBT and I do use the skills she has taught me. I have like a million different outlets and just started this group thing. I like it and the individual meeting with the group therapist was exactly what I needed, it went well. She really understands in depth about the affects of trauma and I appreciate that. I am going to meet with her when those issues do arise. I do feel like I need to move away from CBT as I have gained the skills I did not have before and I practice them. I just needed someone to listen and I am glad I got that from the group therapist today. Sometimes I just need to speak the things I am thinking to realize how stupid they are and it is nice that I have her now.

I will probably being seeing the group therapist at the YWCA more than my CBT therapist. I will keep in touch with her just so I don't forget the things I have learned. Do I mention this to the CBT therapist?

Also, since I am at a better place than I have ever been before I think I can move forward with EMDR (yeah I have like 3 different therapists haha), but I might wait to see if i absolutely need it before going.

 

[ButterflyBean]

I will probably being seeing the group therapist at the YWCA more than my CBT therapist. I will keep in touch with her just so I don't forget the things I have learned. Do I mention this to the CBT therapist?

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you! I hope you are doing better now! Yes, I do think you should mention it; the more your team works together, the better! If something comes up with the individual therapist during group, then your CBT therapist may be able to give you specific tools to address a particular issue. Also, I think your CBT therapist should know if you are using a different approach to address your needs. That way, there can be some elements of consistency if you choose to see her again.

Also, since I am at a better place than I have ever been before I think I can move forward with EMDR (yeah I have like 3 different therapists haha)

So do I, so don't feel weird or anything! I used to have one in the community and one on my college campus, but some things have changed at school, and I am now seeing both in the community. Yes, it is a little unorthodox, but they work really well together and are totally on the same page. That is, they both use a supportive approach, although they may address different issues; it just depends on the week, and what is happening, but having to therapist allows for weekly therapy. I, too, have a therapist for EMDR, although I don't think she is not a trauma specialist per say. As you know, it's a totally different treatment than talk therapy.

In the end, to address both your question and your experience, I think honest communication between everyone is key! As long as everyone wants what's best, especially you, approaching different aspects of things in different ways allows treatment and success for you as a whole, rather than being separated into parts, as is done so often in the medical profession. Keep up the good work; you are strong, and I am proud of you!

~Holly