Reading all of these posts has been extremely helpful. I always thought I was just crazy because I heard voices, but I could tell they weren't "real" voices. I've identified four different voices. I really don't think I have DID or Schizophrenia, I've never known if there was a condition I could call my voices, so I gave them titles. :
There's Little One, she's four and has the mentality that I had when I was four, she is withdrawn, quiet, shy, and doesn't usually give me advice, she gives me lighthearted feelings because she likes to do fun things like play and she gives me "urges" like she makes me want to dance around and learn things and explore. She rarely comes out anymore, she used to a lot when I was about 12 or 13, but as I got older she comes out less and less. It's not like she takes me over, its like we are both sharing my head, we are both "out" at the same time and talking to each other. I find that instead of her being an "inner critic" I'm the one who often teaches her because she asks me to learn new things so she can learn them.
Next is Mother. She is ageless, she feels like less of a person, and more of a feeling. She is somewhat of a "guide" and never a critic. She is extremely warm and caring, and she is very logical. When I can't see where I'm going and all my options seem to be used up, Mother will step in and help me go the right direction. For example, in dealing with PTSD, I had times where I all did was lie in bed in a deep dark depression and stare off into space. I was blank, but Mother would ask me questions "Why don't you want to get up? You could be outside in the warm sun, you could be smiling right now if you wanted." I'd tell her I just can't, I just want to end it I don't belong here, and she would tell me "Everyone has their place here, little one. I will help you find that place, but you must get up and keep going." It's like her only goal is to get me to the finish line at the end of life.
Alpha. This is the only one of the voices who is male. Alpha has never criticized me, he only tries to protect me. He doesn't protect me because he has my best interest in mind, he protects me more because he considers me, little one, and mother to be part of his "pack" and he will not allow his pack members to be in harms way. He makes me operate on a simplistic survival of the fittest level. He is constantly watching my surroundings, and he is always aware of what is around me, but even though he is the one who is doing the watching, I feel like he is making my eyes point in those directions that should be watched. The way he tries to protect me is by giving me strength, he doesn't offer advice, or words, he gives me the physical strength to get out of bed when it feels like my body is just about to give out. It sounds so batty and crazy I know. When Alpha "comes out" it doesn't feel like there is another presence in my head, it feels like another presence takes over my whole body and forces me to keep going forward.
Then, there is Anger. Anger is female, and as you can tell from her name, she's extremely angry. She is the "inner critic". No one really likes her, I know I don't like her. Anger used to be able to take me over completely and she would make me do things like cut myself, or slam my head into something. When I was a teenager, she used to like to try to toy with people and manipulate them, she wanted to turn everyone around me against each other. So Alpha, Mother and I learned to restrain her and now we are constantly holding her back, every second of the day. I like it that way because she is dangerous, she not only hates everyone around me, but she hates me as well. Everything I do will be commented on by her "You f"cking idiot you can't even stand somewhere quietly without being in the way" or "You're so worthless, disgusting, hideous" etc. When another driver yells at me through their window it will feed Anger and she will be happy that she has a bit more control over me. "He's right, you're such an f*cking moron you can't even switch lanes the right way! You should just slam this car into that wall." She's tried to make me kill myself countless times, I've only tried 3 times though. It seems her only goal is to keep me from getting to the finish line.
With all these personalities floating around in my head, things can get pretty confusing at times! I'm so thankful for this thread because I never knew what to call them. Now I know anger is an "inner critic" but what about the others? I like them very much and I don't want them to go away because I'm scared that without them I wont be able to function at the minimal level I am functioning at. So sometimes I'm afraid of getting mentally better because I think that if I get better than I will lose my guides.
If feels incredibly liberating to get all of this out by the way, I have never explained the voices to even my therapist (the only person I have told anything about me really) because I was afraid of admitting my problem. I've never thought about trying to comfort or love anger. I'm afraid to even let her out to talk to her because when she comes out the very first thing she does is take over my body like a puppetmaster and she will lunge for anything sharp around me and make me cut myself. I wish I knew a way to ease her out slowly, because I think you guys are right that comfort can help.
