Insanity And The Future

[HëllaBubz]

I have had a mental year. I've cut off family not once but twice, learned to stand up for myself, stand up to my partner who has serious anger/regulation issues, lost 43+kg and have been busting my ass to be the 100% there mother for my adorable, feisty 1yo daughter.

I'm slowly building relationships with my siblings, and we're working to break down the mound of lies my parents tried to put in the way of us siblings supporting, loving each other, forming support away from the life sucking leeches that my parents are.

Ah, I love being a mother and facilitating every learning aspect and emotional need possible. Its Exhausting too.

On the back of finally calling out my nasty in laws, and nuking that particular bridge quite deliberately, I look to the future.

I've got 20kg+ left to lose, and I'm addressing that.

What the hell and I going to do with myself after that?

I feel like there is a genius locked inside my head, rattling the bars and screaming to be let out (slightly self centered I know!!!).

I love language, science, physics, chemistry, literature, management, networking, programming, medicine and all the things that have been kept from me.

I just don't know what the hell to do!

 

[Nam]

You don't need to know right now. You'll know when you know. I would explore opportunities so that maybe something comes knocking, or you'll feel pulled more one way than others. You just might find out that you can do more than just one thing.

Just start learning. Study. Keep digging. A path might reveal itself.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Heh. A year or two ago an answer like that would have annoyed the crap outta me. Now I see the wisdom in it.

I guess a more direct question would be.....what can I work on that is light and will start getting the dust out of my gears.

Am I biting off too much?

 

[Nam]

Am I biting off too much?

Maybe. It might be just right today, too much tomorrow. But, like most things worth pursuing, there's a point where we have to jump. I took a leap this past summer. I took a painting class. Scared the crap out of me to go. If I didn't spend so much money, time, daycare, a plane ticket, and planning, I would have stayed in bed. I went and learned. It is a pivotal turning point in my history.

You are progressing so well. I read on another thread you left for awhile. That is a sign of healing. I'm happy for you! Opportunities is what you see. Hope is what you feel. Pretty awesome.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Congrats on that leap. I've learned to just close my eyes and jump, because the feeling of flying to a new place is downright addictive.

I feel like I've come thousands of miles, but so far to go yet! ☺

 

[J_trustno1]

Congratulations for making a huge progress in 1 year. You are on the right track. I'm happy to see you believing in yourself.

With study: why don't you start visiting near by college /university and try finding which courses you can get into. Also find out whether you'll need to do foundation courses to reach a particular program you are interested. Most importantly, try attending few lectures before enrolling into any course just to get a fair idea of what the course is about and if it interests you.

The reason why I'm suggesting this is because I chose my courses based on my interest. I personally find it difficult to do something if I have no interest in it. I was also lost once like yourself before I entered my bachelor's degree.

However here are the words of wisdom I had from a chemistry professor when I went to green chemistry lecture (note: before enrolling into university ). He said:
"Do what you enjoy NOT what is easy or what you think will give you lots of money or what others are doing. If you do what you enjoy you'll succeed and it'll take long long way ahead in life".

Yes, I followed my passion and I have reached my goals so far. So do whatever that interests you and forget about what other people say or do. All the very best in decision making. And Happy New Year 2015.

 

[Seagreen]

Wow congratulations on all the hard work and accomplishment

If you continue at this rate I'm sure you'll be successful in whichever path you choose. In some ways I think that surviving trauma can put us at an advantage. I know I am often stronger and better prepared to cope with a variety of different situations than others my age.having so much more to fight for that canbe a great motivator. I hope that whatever you de ide it brings you happiness.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Thanks so much for all your support, it means a lot.

I guess my other contributing factor is the fact that I haven't had a solid year of education since grade 6, and never got to finish. So a lot of my interests are completely raw and never been touched.

I used to do what I loved; nursing, but after my workplace assault that changed and I've tried to go back but that's no longer who I am.

Being a mother has fulfilled my need to nurture and give uninterrupted, 100% quality care and love without the boundaries and red tape of the medical industry.

So now I look around, and I've got no idea where to start. I've looked at my partner, and he made his passions and hobbies his career, but because he's paid and treated so poorly he now despises it.

I've had an entire childhood of having things kept from me, and now that I have open slather I don't want to waste the opportunities or my own potential.

I know full well that part time study and work are years off, despite my progress I am completely broken. So I want to know what I could try that won't destroy my self esteem through abject failure, but that will slowly build a foundation.


I know it's complicated and messy. Bleh.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

First of all, congratulations on the weight loss (if it was meant to be).
I dumped my whole family as they were toxic, narcissistic, physically and mentally abusive for YEARS!!! With the only strength I had, I told my former family that they were narcissistic and abusive p****s that need help. Yeah, I cried but I don't cry anymore. I can't. The memories of what they did are more than enough "ammunition" for me to not keep in contact with them even though I want to write a letter to them throwing out a LOT of embarrassing and truthful horrors that they did. Trust me, what I could say would bring out divorces and much more.
I have a saying, "I am the black sheep in a family full of jackasses".

 

[Seagreen]

So now I look around, and I've got no idea where to start. I've looked at my partner, and he made his passions and hobbies his career, but because he's paid and treated so poorly he now despises it.

This is often so true. I've learnt not to make a living out of the things I really love.

Maybe you just need to jump in and try a few things. Could you volunteer in some of the fields that interest you? It might help you to make an educated decision before outlaying money for courses or training.

Its a good idea to think about a career that is going to compliment the lifestyle you have or plan for. I want to travel in a few years so am looking for something portable and will pay enough to fund our plans. I also have children and my partner does shift work on a 24 hour time table. So work that fits in with the children's schooling and childcare availability is important too. It needs to be interesting and a little competitive.

Do you want to work with a lot of different people or a small group? Do you want to use your mind in a creative way by coming up with ideas or would you prefer to do something more logical and routine? Do you want to be in the spot light or behind the scenes? You said you feel that your nurturing, caring role is being fulfilled already, but would you like to help people or animals in a different way other than nursing? Do you want to work indoors or out? Do you have any obstacles to consider?

 

[HëllaBubz]

Well the most glaring obstacles are:

Lack of education to help with uni
I'm a mother to a clingwrap 1yo
PTSD!!!!

I am good at programming, management, planning, logic, structure etc. I don't like being in the spotlight constantly but I don't mind it if I have to be there occasionally.

I like large groups because I can hide in them and do my own thing creatively without interference.

I like small groups because I like 1:1 attention to detail.

I like being given tasks and finding my own way of solving them, or asking for a little guidance then doing it myself.

I like teaching but hate the primary/secondary school pay grade, I want good money. I like seeing a decent pay packet coming in, proportional to the effort I put in. I'm willing to give 100% if paid properly.

I was actually looking at land surveying like my younger sister does, there is a shortage but by the time that I'm ready to graduate they'll probably have robots doing it!!!

 

[HëllaBubz]

My problem with my in laws is that I ignored my better judgement and tried to get them to see the improvements I've made, the progress in leaps and bounds.

But you cannot have a reasonable relationship with family members who have no interest in changing their misconceptions about you, and who often subtly or not, tried to accuse you of doing and being things that they are or have done themselves.

So after a massive blow up, I sent a concise, nasty, truthful text to them and told them basically everything they were, that it was no longer tolerated, and to drop dead, as far as I was concerned they were.

So now that the assholes have drained my precious time, energy and healing capacity, it's really time to focus on myself.