Intellectualization Vs. Feeling

[raven123]

Rumors, You will. You kinda have the secret right to emotional development in front of you. Your kid. Watch him/her develop and think back to how it happened. Make sense? You've accomplished way more than me--husband, love, and a kid. Your kid being born had to teach you the emotion of love. Right? xxoo

 

[raven123]

Love for me was tainted by my sperm donor saying he loved me then made my life a living hell and such kindness had a price. And, my mother telling me that then favoring my brother and not protecting me from my sperm donor. I wonder if mom figured I was screwed up and just went on to the next kid. Others used my confusion against me and used me furthering my belief that it really doesn't exist. God not making it real clear he was love (whatever that is) from the beginning or near the beginning then letting me believe a lie, God is just a judgemental prick, for 20 years ruined that God love a lot--so I don't trust God much.

The opposite of love isn't hate, but control. My sperm donor did that, my mom did that to a degree. So, if someone tries to control you, they don't love you at all.

The only person I trust completely is my alter, Allie. Over the last year, she was the one who held me at night, she's the only one I had to talk to, she never judges me, she wouldn't lie to me and somehow, I'm learning love from her. She's free to be out as much as she wants.

 

[Sailorgal]

(((RAVEN)))

Just thought you could use one of those. :hug:

 

[raven123]

Sailorgirl, Thank you. :) xxoo

 

[Rumors]

Makes loads of sense, Raven. It is the main reason why I get out of bed everyday to continue this journey. ;)

 

[raven123]

Rumors,

Hope you are feeling better today. I sent you a PM. The other shrink I found had closed her practice. The only guy that might help is just a general practitioner with no real expertise in anything. He's an ex-businessman and his website didn't inspire any confidence. He said, "My practice is general in nature...I have a very practical approach to therapy, working rather quickly, getting to core issues and working to resolve them." He also loves to refer to docs for drugs. Hmm...not good. Drugs are bandaids not solutions. It sounds pretty unemotional to me, he treats anything that walks through the door and he deals with simple issues not complex. Getting to core issues is great, but emotions aren't a business transaction. He doesn't specialize in sex abuse anyway. That's what I need. Only real shrink was on the beach and she wanted a 2-year commitment. LOL Shrinks are a f*cking joke here.

I really appreciate your offer and wish I could take advantage of it. But, no one here to take advantage of it with. :( I'm pretty confused about emotions and don't get them and needed to chat with someone. Looks hopeless that is ever gonna happen, a guide is what I need, till I go back to college then get a good job with good insurance.

Thanks again.