I am 37 years old my name is Cris.
My mom was diagnossed with MPD when I was 10.There is a total of six different personalities that i know about. At the age of 35 I was diagnossed with PTSD due to my childhood. This is my first time really talking about how I feel about my life and how her illness has impacted me and my life.
I was taught to keep all of her secrets and it has taken a big toll on my life especially as an adult. I need to get it out and talk about it with people that understand my story even if it is painful for me. When I was four my mom left me, my four older sisters and my dad for a different life. My dad had to work overtime to support us and since I was the youngest I was left with my dad's mom and his sisters. Although I love them very much and they took good care of me they were not my mom and being tossed from one to another left me feel like baggage.
When my mom decided to come back two years later she kicked my dad out and killed the kitten he had giving me. I felt like it was my fault the kitten died because I loved it. By the age of seven all my sisters went off to college and left me alone with her in her own little hell.
She Would mentally abuse me by telling me my dad would rape and beat me to death then send me to go with him on the weekends. I was so scared of him and begged her not to send me she would just smile and say go get your things. He never did anything but the fear was still there. She always told me that my sister was my real mother and she left me with her because she hated me. Then she would say she hated me and she was the only one who wanted me my dad and everyone else wanted me to be aborted.
I remember watching tv and living in TV land with nice normal parents who loved me. I have been mildly disabled from birth due to complications which my mom admitted was her fault when I was about nine. I would pretend to be sick at school because the only life was normal was when i was sick She would forget to feed me so I lived off of white rice and jarred baby food I stole from the corner store.
At the age od 10 she started dated guys that were abusive and she would leave me alone at night until morning to go party with them. The nights back then were the worst "Miller" her 18 year old drug addict would break into the house beat us while we were sleeping, sleal and would have sex in the same bed I was in. Still to this day I cannot sleep in the dark and am afraid to sleep with out a locked door. I tried to stab Miller a few times after he beat us but my mom always stopped me.
By the age of 11 or 12 I found alcohol numbed me tried to take small amouts to get by and zone out. Through the teenage years I raise myself and turned to bad crowds to feel like I was in a real family. The only thing is i was too smart to give into peer pressure and the disowned me leaving me feel abandoned once again. I tried to kill myself several times I just wanted to escape any way possible. My mom through me in every mental hospital she could find and used the child support to buy a new car.
At 16 my dad stepped in and I moved in with him. My life was normal with the exception my mom would call sometimes in the middle of the night to tell me she hated me. I always went looking for a family to love me. At the age of 18 i was engaged and pregnant but the guy left me and moved in with my mom. I was devestated but seemed to talk about it like it was an everyday normal thing. I feel into a deep depression and lost my chance of having my own child my own family a kid I could love like i should of been.
After that I went wild drinking all the time bouncing from job to job sleeping with people and getting into dangerous situations. I straightened out but still only get involved in dead end relationships usually with parents of younger kids that I can mother and love most of the time i like the kids more then the man. The constants I have in my life are bad relationships, really bad temper, the need to fix things, jealousy, anxiety and insomina. I hate to sleep. I am the only one that knows her secrets non of my sisters even really see her for who she is and what she has done. They only see me as the black sheep. However while they were all geting their degrees, masters and other educations I was left to pick up the pieces and keep her safe from herself.
In the back of my mind I want a great job and family but know it was just not to be for me which hurts so bad. Fastforward to three years ago I met a man who has 4 kids. I was so excited he seemed loving and caring. A great dad and the kids really liked me at first. Then the layers started to peel back like an onion and the lies came flying out. His ex wife has DID and abuses all the kids so they are all a mess with multiple issues including some of the ones I have.
He really doesn't care about his kids and has no desire to take care of them. However he kept his one child, his 14 year old boy who I adored. We became a family. I wanted to adopt a child (extended family member) whom I love with all my heart. He was 5 and abandoned by his mother. Sound farmillar?
While I was at my aunts funeral his son molested the five year old. I never saw it comming. Not in a million years. I did the right thing although it costed me the little boy I love and the 14 year old son I wanted to be mine. I lost everything that day my kids, my self respect, I hated me. I hated that i loved them if I didn't love love them they wouldn't have been taken away. If I didn't have a need to have a family he wouldn't have been hurt. In my mind it was as much as my fault and it was my boyfriends son's fault.
My boyfriend and I are still together. The nightmares I had as a child and in my late twenties returned two years ago. I go days without sleeping, I cry constantly I hate me I hate my life I hate what i have become there is not much i like anymore. The one thing in my life I adored always were children and now I even hate them. I always said why didn't someone save me. How could everyone turn a blind eye. I even told her doctor who became mine how could you let her raise me knowing all that you knew. Someone help me now please
My mom was diagnossed with MPD when I was 10.There is a total of six different personalities that i know about. At the age of 35 I was diagnossed with PTSD due to my childhood. This is my first time really talking about how I feel about my life and how her illness has impacted me and my life.
I was taught to keep all of her secrets and it has taken a big toll on my life especially as an adult. I need to get it out and talk about it with people that understand my story even if it is painful for me. When I was four my mom left me, my four older sisters and my dad for a different life. My dad had to work overtime to support us and since I was the youngest I was left with my dad's mom and his sisters. Although I love them very much and they took good care of me they were not my mom and being tossed from one to another left me feel like baggage.
When my mom decided to come back two years later she kicked my dad out and killed the kitten he had giving me. I felt like it was my fault the kitten died because I loved it. By the age of seven all my sisters went off to college and left me alone with her in her own little hell.
She Would mentally abuse me by telling me my dad would rape and beat me to death then send me to go with him on the weekends. I was so scared of him and begged her not to send me she would just smile and say go get your things. He never did anything but the fear was still there. She always told me that my sister was my real mother and she left me with her because she hated me. Then she would say she hated me and she was the only one who wanted me my dad and everyone else wanted me to be aborted.
I remember watching tv and living in TV land with nice normal parents who loved me. I have been mildly disabled from birth due to complications which my mom admitted was her fault when I was about nine. I would pretend to be sick at school because the only life was normal was when i was sick She would forget to feed me so I lived off of white rice and jarred baby food I stole from the corner store.
At the age od 10 she started dated guys that were abusive and she would leave me alone at night until morning to go party with them. The nights back then were the worst "Miller" her 18 year old drug addict would break into the house beat us while we were sleeping, sleal and would have sex in the same bed I was in. Still to this day I cannot sleep in the dark and am afraid to sleep with out a locked door. I tried to stab Miller a few times after he beat us but my mom always stopped me.
By the age of 11 or 12 I found alcohol numbed me tried to take small amouts to get by and zone out. Through the teenage years I raise myself and turned to bad crowds to feel like I was in a real family. The only thing is i was too smart to give into peer pressure and the disowned me leaving me feel abandoned once again. I tried to kill myself several times I just wanted to escape any way possible. My mom through me in every mental hospital she could find and used the child support to buy a new car.
At 16 my dad stepped in and I moved in with him. My life was normal with the exception my mom would call sometimes in the middle of the night to tell me she hated me. I always went looking for a family to love me. At the age of 18 i was engaged and pregnant but the guy left me and moved in with my mom. I was devestated but seemed to talk about it like it was an everyday normal thing. I feel into a deep depression and lost my chance of having my own child my own family a kid I could love like i should of been.
After that I went wild drinking all the time bouncing from job to job sleeping with people and getting into dangerous situations. I straightened out but still only get involved in dead end relationships usually with parents of younger kids that I can mother and love most of the time i like the kids more then the man. The constants I have in my life are bad relationships, really bad temper, the need to fix things, jealousy, anxiety and insomina. I hate to sleep. I am the only one that knows her secrets non of my sisters even really see her for who she is and what she has done. They only see me as the black sheep. However while they were all geting their degrees, masters and other educations I was left to pick up the pieces and keep her safe from herself.
In the back of my mind I want a great job and family but know it was just not to be for me which hurts so bad. Fastforward to three years ago I met a man who has 4 kids. I was so excited he seemed loving and caring. A great dad and the kids really liked me at first. Then the layers started to peel back like an onion and the lies came flying out. His ex wife has DID and abuses all the kids so they are all a mess with multiple issues including some of the ones I have.
He really doesn't care about his kids and has no desire to take care of them. However he kept his one child, his 14 year old boy who I adored. We became a family. I wanted to adopt a child (extended family member) whom I love with all my heart. He was 5 and abandoned by his mother. Sound farmillar?
While I was at my aunts funeral his son molested the five year old. I never saw it comming. Not in a million years. I did the right thing although it costed me the little boy I love and the 14 year old son I wanted to be mine. I lost everything that day my kids, my self respect, I hated me. I hated that i loved them if I didn't love love them they wouldn't have been taken away. If I didn't have a need to have a family he wouldn't have been hurt. In my mind it was as much as my fault and it was my boyfriends son's fault.
My boyfriend and I are still together. The nightmares I had as a child and in my late twenties returned two years ago. I go days without sleeping, I cry constantly I hate me I hate my life I hate what i have become there is not much i like anymore. The one thing in my life I adored always were children and now I even hate them. I always said why didn't someone save me. How could everyone turn a blind eye. I even told her doctor who became mine how could you let her raise me knowing all that you knew. Someone help me now please
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