Ireland Trip - Need Some Advice

[Chitoshi]

Hi everyone,

This is a selfish post. I need some help because the whole thing is causing me a fair bit of anxiety.

About a month ago I went on a limb and told my boyfriend's mother about the Ireland trip we're going on in June because she's a travel guru and frankly i could use the advice. She showed so much interest in it and asked us about it and said she would like to go if she could so many times I broke down and asked her if she would like to come. Obviously I'm a complete jerk for asking and not really wanting her to come, but I was uncomfortable and saw no other options.

So anyway, she told my boyfriend's brothers fiancée and the fiancée invited herself except maybe not for a full two week trip and this is turning into a more of a family vacation than just me and my boyfriend and I'm super stressed out now because this was not my intention. I broached the topic of my boyfriend and i having some couple's time in Ireland for most of the trip because that was how it was intended to be in the first place, but apparently it came out wrong and my boyfriend's mother got the impression we didn't want her to go, which is true but I'm polite to a fault and would be mortified to uninvite her after I already brought up The invitation, pressure or no pressure. Her motives for going are different than mine and my boyfriend's, so I suspect that is where the trouble will be, and actually I can't cut out a leg of the trip I was going to cut because I need to accommodate her interests since I invited her. She even asked me if I had budgeted for her yet (I actually found out last week that she said she was going for sure so I hadn't yet), but I feel maybe she should be budgeting for herself?

I don't know how to do any of this and am absolutely freaking out about it.

Basically this whole trip has gotten out of hand and instead of being excited for next June I am dreading it and ended up panicking and crying this morning because I had upset his mother about trying to set some boundaries and it backfired on me. I'm considering cancelling this trip because it is no longer fun for me to think about, but I would not be cancelling this trip had I not felt that I needed to invite his mom because of how thrilled she was to hear about it and the non verbal pressure to ask her to come. It's just the only tasteful way I can think of to not hurt anyone's feelings. She has no idea I have PTSD and struggle with saying "no" under pressure anymore (something I am working on, but I realize this is my misstep, not hers), so it's not her fault, I'm just not sure what to do. I feel I really stepped it this time and the only thing I can do is cancel the whole thing to avoid major disappointment. I couldn't stand how she looked today when she thought she couldn't go. Ireland has been on her travel list forever, and she has ancestry there and is big on that so when I say this is literally her dream opportunity I'm not exaggerating, and it's killing me.

 

[GWhizz]

Woah I'm so sorry it's turned into a stress before you even have it organised yet.

Didn't you say she was a big travel guru etc? Surely she can plan a bit and budget for herself. It's a trip together so I don't see why you should be expected to do all the organising.

Could you get hubby on board to tell them all to mind themselves and make their own plans? And that you guys will be taking time to do your own plans separately as it's a once in a lifetime trip as a couple?

If it won't work for you as a couple primarily, then do not stress yourself by going ahead to make other people happy. They can always go themselves if it's what they want so don't feel like you're letting anyone else down. They do not understand your needs. That's obvious.

 

[Justmehere]

Can you put away trip plans for awhile? It's still almost a year out, and perhaps a bit of space from it and spending some time grounding and lowering your anxiety might help you think of good solutions.

I broached the topic of my boyfriend and i having some couple's time in Ireland for most of the trip because that was how it was intended to be in the first place, but apparently it came out wrong and my boyfriend's mother got the impression we didn't want her to go, which is true but I'm polite to a fault and would be mortified to uninvite her after I already brought up The invitation, pressure or no pressure.

Sitting down with her and explaining that you and your boyfriend can spend xyz time with her, and xyz time on your own, seems like a great way to start establishing and keeping some boundaries. She's going to be disappointed. And it's ok for her to be disappointed, that's hers.

You only need to own your part, being honest about what you can and can't do. Spending the entire time with her in Ireland is a little unreasonable, and there's got to be room to compromise. She can also go o her own, or with a good friend too. You are not responsible for her dream trip, or the way she feels when you can't do it with her or for her.

Obviously I'm a complete jerk for asking and not really wanting her to come, but I was uncomfortable and saw no other options.

I feel I really stepped it this time and the only thing I can do is cancel the whole thing to avoid major disappointment. I couldn't stand how she looked today when she thought she couldn't go. Ireland has been on her travel list forever, and she has ancestry there and is big on that so when I say this is literally her dream opportunity I'm not exaggerating, and it's killing me.

You invited her as a way to avoid discomfort of her pressured asking to come along. Canceling her dream trip won't likely make the discomfort you experience about her disappointment go away.

And this likely won't be the first or last thing she tries to pressure you into doing something, or that you feel triggered trying to say no to her.

Instead of seeing this as an utter disaster, I would reframe it as an opportunity for your boyfriend and you to figure out how to navigate these waters together of keeping boundaries with his mother. It's also an opportunity to learn that it's ok to say no, and solutions don't always have to be all yes (she can come and spend all the time with you and him) or all no (the whole trip is canceled.)

If she is great at travel, I would suggest offering a few opportunities for you and your boyfriend to meet up with her while you are there, but that her travel arrangements and budget and the rest of her trip are up for her to plan, and perhaps to invite a friend along with her, one that she would have a lot more fun with than being a third wheel to a couple. There are other options other than yes she can come on all of the trip, leading to a year of stress for all, or no, she can't come and the whole thing should be canceled for everyone. Those are every black and white all or nothing solutions.

Take some steps back, and talk it through with your boyfriend, and go from there.

Let go of being responsible for what is not yours: her feelings, her trip, her dreams. Encourage her to still go on the trip of her dreams, but in a way that will likely work better for her anyhow. To help keep the relationship going well, or to patch it up with her, validate other things you like about her or other ways that you both can spend time with her.

Hold more tightly on to owning what is yours: being gently honest with yourself and others about what you can and can't manage or do.

 

[Friday]

1) How does your boyfriend feel about all of this?

2) Why isn't he interfacing with his mother?

3) You do realize that either way, she's disappointed, yes? If she doesn't come, she's disappointed. If you cancel the whole thing, she still isn't coming, and would therefore be disappointed.

 

[EveHarrington]

Sounds like she wore you down and you caved.

Guilt tripping?

Manipulation?

(You did mention how she was dropping "hints" often.)

I wouldn't really want to go on vacation with this woman.

I have a feeling you're being bamboozled-------either into believing she really IS a travel guru (seeing as how if going to Ireland really was THAT big of a deal, a true travel guru would have done it a long time ago)-----or bamboozled into inviting her in the trip (and let's face it, she invited herself).

Which brings me to this point-------on what planet is it acceptable to invite yourself on someone else's vacation, let alone an international vacation AND expect the "inviting" party to budget for you?

This woman has BALLS! (I hope you're aware that this is incredible foreshadowing into the future of how your future MIL will indeed be intruding into your marriage, should you marry this guy.)

What is you BF's position in all of this? I don't know of too many guys who would want mom to go on such a vacation. Is he able to stand up to her?

 

[Chitoshi]

1) How does your boyfriend feel about all of this?

2) Why isn't he interfacing with his mother?

3...

He feels like there's some misunderstanding and that he didn't realize it was a boundary conversation until he told me to talk to her about it.

He will be talking with her now but we're not sure how to go about it.

And yea I realize my black and white thinking now. It's my blind spot so thank you justmehere for pointing that out I really wasn't aware. :)

Trouble is normally I wouldn't mind her vacationing with us it's just that this trip is a little more special than I was intending instead of his mother coming along then inviting others, too. My boyfriend's brother got engaged and that's been a big thing for the family so I just wanted to have something special that the boyfriend and I could share because it's awkward now since we're getting the "when are you two getting hitched?!" questions and it would be nice to be away from everyone involved in a place we've always wanted to go, respectively.

I have a feeling you're being bamboozled-------either into believing she really IS a travel guru (seeing as how if going to Ireland really was THAT big of a deal, a true travel guru would have done it a long time ago)-----or bamboozled into inviting her in the trip (and let's face it, she invited herself)

Honestly I feel it may be the latter more than the former. She used to be the director of a big county department for juvenile justice and as she climbed the ladder for work had the opportunity to go to multiple trainings abroad and around the states, so she's more comfortable with airline booking and trip planning than I, but as she's only been retired a year she's just starting to get going in her big travel plans. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt of possibly being overzealous because she had a high stress job where vacations were usually broken up by work calls and texts so it wasn't very relaxing most of the time. My main concern is that she'll be overbearing when we get there (long story, bf has ADHD diagnosis and she still harbors anxiety towards him being a responsible adult despite his constantly proving her wrong, and she tends to treat him like a child more so than her younger son and assumes irresponsibility of him sometimes and it irks me when we're all in close quarters for longer than a 2 day vacation in the same room), and like you said I was offended she asked me to do all of the work for her.

Honestly she isn't a bad woman and she means well most of the time. I feel I've put her in a bad light here because of the circumstances.

To answer your question, Eve, my boyfriend doesn't want her to come to the extent that she wants to be included in our travel plans, but he feels it would be an etiquette misstep to uninvite her regardless of how the circumstances came about at this point because she really wants to go. He told me to leave it be like justmehere suggested and that maybe we could do the whole getting a friend for her thing as a great idea along with what Gwhizz says about the travel plans being separate, maybe their own rooms and such.

We're renting a car in Ireland so I'm not sure how he'll broach that with her because she was talking about us all saving money since we'll all be in the same car but that means she's kinda along for the ride. That part might not bode well because I want to cut out of our trip what she wants to go for specifically because we want to explore other places in depth and her priority place is not on our priority list, but that's where I haven't been cutting because I feel I must accommodate her (people pleasing behavior I realize). Maybe she is taking advantage of it, but I'd like to think not. I've been dating him for almost four years now and she's never been manipulative to me before, but boyfriend claims she can be when she wants to. I'm hoping it'll all pan out but I just couldn't handle trying to find a solution when the solution doesn't generally come easy.

In light of all this information if you have any more suggestions I'm open. Boyfriend says we have time to work this out, but his mom is easily hurt so he needs to tread lightly especially since she's been really excited for this.

 

[EveHarrington]

Ahhhhh-------I'm not sure who first used the term "guru"------her, or you------but she really isn't a "guru" in the true sense of the word. Actually, not in the least. That's where my response was lead astray.

 

[Chitoshi]

Ahhhhh-------I'm not sure who first used the term "guru"------her, or you------but she really isn...

I used it first. This will be my second trip abroad and she's more "seasoned" I guess would be a more accurate term? Sorry for the confusion!