Is Anyone Glad They Tried Reconciling With Their Parents?

[Lady McCormick]

I lived with my biological mother until I was almost an adult. She lives in a world where god cures your health concerns by praying, which of course made her a fabulous mother. I have horrifying medical issues that were caused by neglect or possibly abuse.

I've been in treatment for PTSD for some time, and I'm pretty stable now. It's unbelievable to me, but I actually find that I want to meet with her. I want to see her from an adult's perspective.

Honestly, my biggest hope is finding out why my genitals are messed up, but I don't think that'll happen. Either she wants to hide it, or she somehow doesn't know.

I also feel like I need to teach her what a bad parent she was. This would clearly be futile.

So, since meeting her would be such a train wreck, I want to know:

Is anyone out there glad they met with their abusers?

 

[Bloomy]

This is what I belive a sensitive topic. I know atleast oe person here that it seems to have worked out with. Speaking for myself I tried to reconcile too, but mother was and is to screwed up she doesnt understand what she is saying sorry for since I after all had a "happy" childhood.

I hope you willl be realistic that this can go both ways. Either the good or the less good. Anyways I wish you all the best and take care.

 

[Sideways]

I also feel like I need to teach her what a bad parent she was.

Do you know why you feel this way? Honest question. Is it really the "teaching" her part, or is it more the need to maybe communicate to her how much she hurt you? Or something else entirely?

I'm curious. I'm looking at resetting things with my parents at some point (delay, delay, delay!!) and I'm still mulling over what it is that I actually want, and how I'm going to communicate that, so I'm curious about how others approach this...

For what it's worth, with my parents? It would be wasted air. They won't concede they abuse me. Not ever.

 

[Bloomy]

I tried. I read all the books I could about communication and pedagogikk and did my best effort to change my self and talk from the right perspective. I dont think you can learn someone, but I do belive you can adress your needs and your hurt and pain and so forth. In my case it was a wasted air as Ragdoll says, but atleast Ive tried and Im glad for that part so that now I can its a dead case.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

I lived with my biological mother until I was almost an adult. She lives in a world where god cu...

I have been fortunate to reconcile with my mother from childhood abuse though don't feel I've reconciled w/ my father. His abuse has continued into my adulthood though in different forms from when I was younger. My mom and I have had honest conversations over many years about what took place though my father seems to continue to be in a state of denial & lacks self awareness. Late in her life, my mom finally sought medication tx for depression which made a huge difference. Now that she's nearing the end of her life - we have a relationship, that of which I wish we'd had earlier tho I'm grateful for it now rather than never. As far as confronting the man who sexually assaulted me, I will likely never get the chance nor do I want to. He's too sick to acknowledge what he did was wrong. Confronting our abusers is not always safe. It seems to depend on the circumstances & the individual(s) involved as to whether it's going to be helpful.

 

[Ann Barry]

Lady McCormick
What Rag Doll asked makes sense. Do you really know WHY [the reason] you want contact?
Bloomy said - Didn't work, but glad I tried. Was prepared to do it right.
This topic hits close to home. In 1 week my estranged Sister is expected here for the day. She made a decision [8 yrs ago] that shocked me & sent me into a nervous breakdown. She repeats "I did what I thought was best". Everybody who's heard the whole story also agrees she made a HUGE mistake. Few weeks ago, I told she "I went fetal for 6 months". WHY do I want contact? I do know why, but I also know I am NOT going to get what I want. Should I CANCEL?
I think we both need to be smart & prepared BEFORE making contact. I wish you wisdom.

 

[Ann Barry]

Lady McCormick
Unique Sunflower has communicated over the years w/ her Mom. Maybe starting superficially, slowly, consistently B4 getting to the hard issue is how you did it?

 

[Maud]

This is a big one. I cut off contact for a few years while my daughter was young. That was 25 years ago. I got back in touch gradually over many years and I have very mixed feelings about it. My father passed six years ago and while I had one alter who was very close to him, I was triggered by him, even while he was in hospice dying. I see my mother but I believe she may be manipulating me and more than a little psychotic. But she tried to protect me when I was a child. I remember my grandfather beating her when I was six-ish because she had accused him of abusing me and she wouldn't allow me to see him or my grandmother. Through some integration I found out that my parents were as much victims as I was, yes even in adulthood. I come from a many generation abuse system(I am afraid of the c word). I could never trust them but in knowing them I got a much better grasp/understanding of what had shaped my life. My challenge now is to experience love without fear and that has been a tough one.

 

[sedna]

This is what I belive a sensitive topic. I know atleast oe person here that it seems to have worked out...

I lived with my biological mother until I was almost an adult. She lives in a world where god cu...

I did this after being out of contact with my parents for years. They are divorced so they were separate experiences different times.

Im coming from a negative view point here, but i think it could have been better if i'd been more disciplined about not falling into old habits around being manipulated.
I come from a childhood with severe neglect and abuse & all of my siblings and myself have permanent & serious physical damage, not just emotional. Like in my case, when theres no, or little substance use or poverty contributing to that, it means your dealing with personality disorders, mental illnesses long in denial, and extreme dysfunction in an established pattern.

I recommend highly getting one person that your'e close with, aware of what your'e doing to help keep a clear perspective while your there.

If I had it to do over again I wouldnt do it. They made me feel hopeful about making discoveries & understanding what happened, until I soften up around them and started to feel pity and forgiveness, I didn't even think I was capable of that & wasn't guarded against it. Once the guard was down they created total chaos until I left again. The small amount of understanding I gained are things I could have guessed and not worth it.

I always hate when I have to say something that sounds like Im trying to kill hope like that, Im sorry.

 

[Ann Barry]

I did this after being out of contact with my parents for years. They are divorced so they were separate...

PLZ ask you a questions - IF you were [Lady McCormick or] me, would you advise "don't do it"? THANX

 

[sedna]

PLZ ask you a questions - IF you were [Lady McCormick or] me, would you advise "don't do it"? THANX...

Yes. Without any uncertainty at all, I'd say dont do it.
I wasn't comfortable putting it that way until it was asked of me personally.

People that do what these parents did, are only honest and sincere if they've been in therapy or some kind of recovery. They would be reaching out to you to apologize if they had.

If you have to go to them for answers, and they havent been looking for you to apologize first, then your'e likely to be hurt and angry after the experience.
They wont tell the truth.

 

[Bloomy]

@coco9 thanks a million. Ive been looking for words to describe what happens and you wrote it clear for me. Same here. I would not recommend if family is really toxic. You cant change others only your self. Thats what I came to realise.
I recommend to get it over it in most cases and do a ritual to make it symbolic that its over. I had a funeral for mother dearest. Even thought to send her invitation for it but nah would be to crude. Was a blast with all that belongs to a funeral - in this case a not so dearly belved, but oh well. Even a good bye t the dead one poem as they usualy have in funerals. All do this one went like - Not so dear mother. Sorry you could never give me the love I as your child so much deserved. Ended - but may you rest in peace and that your bones will not shackle in your grave.

I felt better after that after all. Needed to say goodby in a real way and she is dead to me so.