Is Comforting a Victim While Triggered Promoting the Victim Mentality?

[evergreen]

I am curious about something regarding triggers. I am having a hard time finding the right way to phrase my question. I hope I can convey what I mean.

The mess of PTSD for me is when everything is fine, and I can see the world in a healthy way and out of the blue something triggers fear, shame, crying, loneliness, and feelings I can't even put into words. Then I am very emotional and 'immature' for days, weeks, or months.

At those times, I feel I need love and comfort and understanding from people...especially my husband. I feel like I just want him to love me and help calm me down. He always does the opposite and tries to tell me how my thinking is not right and I am being a victim. I tell him I just want him to hug me and comfort me..maybe massage me to settle my muscles. He says he doesn't believe that is right because it will keep me in victim mode. He says I need to comfort myself, and rewire my brain.

I can understand him to a point and for a long time believed him completely. But this last episode that I am still battling, I am starting to see things differently. All of the things he says to me about not being a victim and negative thinking...I KNOW all of that. And the fact that I still 'messed up' after knowing all this is also very painful and hard to understand. It doesn't matter all the things I've learned because at that point..I am a child that has no idea how to use any of that stuff or doesn't even feel safe with that mentality. It is a body/brain thing that rationale cannot penetrate. It feels like if I could only settle my body and brain from acting as if there was a horrible danger in my face, then I could get back to my rational mind and see things in a healthier way. I know a way to do that, and it is for my husband to help me out with comfort and not 'ideas on how to fix it'.

I want to eventually calm myself down when I get like that, but until I can, is it unrealistic to ask my husband to help comfort me and not try to help me 'snap out of it' with a new perspective? Would it promote victim mentality if he did comfort and hug me and tell me all would be ok? :dontknow:

Thanks for reading and for any input.

Peace,Evergreen

 

[Mina]

In general, I don't think comforting a victim or sufferer while triggered is promoting the victim mentality. I come out of my triggered state much faster when my husband is kind and supportive instead of trying to rationalize me out of it. Treating me the way you describe your husband as treating you would only make it worse, send me deeper into it, as well as build some serious distrust. I don't always need him when I'm triggered, but if I did and he refused to be there and told me to deal with it myself and that my thinking was wrong, I don't think we'd last very long together.

 

[starshine]

For me, being treated like a human being when I am distressed is completely opposite to keeping me in victim mode, since it 'repairs' some of the damage of the traumas - which involved severe de-humanisation. Being comforted reminds me I am human, and helps me heal. Only when I know what it is to receive comfort from others can I learn how to comfort myself. Being left on my own is re-traumatising to some degree. To reach out for comfort enables me to break the cycle of isolation and also to reality check, help me back into being in present reality.

 

[WorkingThruIt]

It is a body/brain thing that rationale cannot penetrate.

This is a great way to describe the feelings of being triggered. I did some reading recently on how the amygdala stores and retrieves memories and it made much more sense. Perhaps, you could encourage your husband to read up on it.

I understand what you are saying, but I can also see your husband's perspective. You are going to need to learn to manage your coping without relying on someone else. Maybe he is concerned that your state of anxiety is going to become his responsibility when he has no control over your triggers. If you are not in a place to work more on coping right now, then maybe you can discuss that with your husband.

I cope much better by myself. It is how I learned to deal with my symptoms. My partner would try to hug me or something to comfort me, but I cannot calm down with someone touching me. I stiffen up and usually say (or yell) "don't touch me!". This caused problems between the two of us because she took it as rejection. I guess either end of the spectrum can cause relationship issues.

 

[Manic11]

To reach out for comfort enables me to break the cycle of isolation and also to reality check, help me back into being in present reality.

I think this is put very nicely. When comforting someone and helping them through a panic attack or dissociating or just being uncomfortable when triggered allows that person to gain trust back that was lost from the trauma. It helps restore that person and make them stronger so that maybe later on they can handle things independently. Trust and security is one of the main things needed to heal and in life. If you don't have that, then how are you supposed to move on and live with PTSD?

If comfort and support is so bad when someone is triggered, then would this forum really be here?

Thank you for this thread. I'm glad you posted it.

Manic

 

[2quilt]

His response to you when you are triggered seems to be a repeat of what he (as a male) was told when young: be tough, never show emotion, never let 'em see you sweat, etc.

Does DH ever cry? ( I am guessing not)

 

[TLight]

I agree with what everyone has said on here about the positive aspects of being comforted when triggered. I think it is not an unhealthy thing to ask for from your husband and, no, it does not keep you being a victim.

However, only you know if you 'might' be 'using' the distress to gain sympathy for your lot in life. We all are aware that sympathy is not healing for PTSD and it definately CAN keep us in a victim mode.

However, in a flashback recently my BF showed great concern, empathy and comfort that brought me into reality and into a stronger, happier better place.

I think you and your husband should definately talk about this in therapy and get him on board with your healing process. Seems to me this could actually be damaging to you. I know it would be to me.

 

[Ursa]

He says he doesn't believe that is right because it will keep me in victim mode. He says I need to comfort myself, and rewire my brain.

Here is a suggestion of answer:

When we are babies, we take about 2 years wiring our brains with myelin and making connections between neurons. This is the best wiring rate/speed we can get in our lives. Have you tried to help a baby to walk by telling them that their muscles need to get stronger and theys brains need to be mature over the reflexes? Do you think that holding a baby's hand would keep them in the dependecy of you to walk instead of learning how to walk by themselves?
It is the same with us when we are triggered. Telling me that I need to rewire my brain does not help. What I need is your hand to help me to walk out of this.


I am sorry if I sounded rough, but really this sounds like something that can go in the "What to Never Say to a PTSD Sufferer" thread.:stupid:

Take care.

 

[hobarter]

'The victim mentality' is such a simplistic and judgemetal expression/concept. Best avoiding that kind of thinking altogether is my advice. It really doesn't help anyone.

 

[BethRSA]

Many times, other people just don't "get it". We don't need sympathy, but understanding. If you're triggered, you need something/someone to bring you back to the reality of now. If he's not there, then you need something else to help.

Maybe he's afraid that he can't always be there when you're triggered. Maybe he can help you transfer the feeling of security you have with him to an object that he gives you that you can keep with you always. I have a ring that safe, loving people gave me. When I'm triggered, I can hold it, feel it and eventually remember that I'm not where I was attacked.

I hope that it's not wrong to have an object like this. I'm just starting with with PTSD forum. I think if your husband is there, he can help.

 

[shiraz]

Hi Evergreen,

My fiance has asked the same question of me - Is his comfort and compassion conditioning me negatively to have more panic attacks so as to gain more comfort and compassion? If he left me to 'deal with it' wouldn't I learn to heal quicker and am I using the panic attacks to be manipulative?

I had to seriously consider this, because it is possible, but after searching myself, I find that there is no manipulation involved, just a sincere desire to ground quickly, for the quicker I ground, the faster I move on. I am learning to 'deal with it' better simply because I know I have his support and not his criticism. When he spends his time trying to problem solve and rationalize while I am dissociated or panicked - I get worse and this alienates me further, making me feel more shame and more guilt, but when he tells me, 'You can do it - you are going to be ok ... etc' I gain confidence and I actually find that I am able to do better and I also learn that I can trust myself.

So, his compassion and comfort does the exact opposite of what he thought - it conditions me positively to believe in my own ability and power to heal.

:Hug_emoticon:

 

[evergreen]

Thank you everyone for responding and for your support. It means so much to me!

I have been mentioning this forum to my husband and he is not a very good reader, but he did say he would look at this for more info. I believe that once he sees there is a way to handle this better, he will do all he can to help. He also is triggered into reactions since his childhood was not healthy either.

I enjoy my independent times when I can handle things and even help others, so the last thing I want is to be dependent on someone. This is not a case of me wanting a life of pity and sympathy. I love when I can actually handle life and thrive!

Most times, my triggers are crying and abandonment issues. I was abused sexually by many people, emotionally by a few, and physically by my dad and had no one to help me through it. I have undergone intensive therapy for the abuse issues, but the neglect and abandonment has always been too painful to even acknowledge. I think that is why when I get stuck in these crying scared episodes, I feel i NEED someone to love me or I will die. I understand also triggers that lead to me not wanting to be touched, but this trigger and response is different.

Thanks again to everyone who responded. This is a blessing to have found this forum.

Peace and Love,Evergreen