Relationship Is he coming back?

[Fleabug]

Ok so here's what he said "I think we probably need some time apart, at least for awhile, and that's really just because that's the only way I can think of that might get things back to normal."

So I left it that he could contact me whenever he was ready.

Is that a hopeful thing that he said? Or a way to just let me down easy?

 

[Hojay]

Could go either way. Did he say what he thinks “time apart” means? A week or two? A year? Indefinite? What about dating other people? What’s the flavor of this time apart, you’re together but taking a breather? Or you’re broken up and might reconvene? If it’s the latter, that’s not a good place to put you in. Or rather, that’s not a good place to put yourself in. I’d say, at least give yourself a time limit after which you consider the case closed. Having one person dictate the progress of the relationship isn’t a mutual setup. Also, don’t let this “hopeful” interaction make you forget your own misgivings and limits. PTSD or not, don’t wait around for any dude to make up their mind about you.

 

[Fleabug]

Well the time period is until Summer is over. He is very stressed right now and I think the thoughts of not seeing me until Summer was over made him think breaking up was the best thing. Not dating other people. I think I have to just trust that he values the relationship enough to come back. I know he cares about me. In the mean time, I have things to do too. He hasn't unbonded on our bracelets yet.

 

[LovingH]

Well the time period is until Summer is over. He is very stressed right now and I think the thoughts of not seeing me until Summer was over made him think breaking up was the best thing. Not dating other people. I think I have to just trust that he values the relationship enough to come back. I know he cares about me. In the mean time, I have things to do too. He hasn't unbonded on our bracelets yet.

Ok, here are my thoughts.

Yes, I do think he probably wants to get back with you at the end of the summer.

BUT

that's 3-4 months out.

I'll be honest, I don't think I would wait that long for someone. Also, you never know if he's gonna suddenly change his mind.

It's entirely up to you, and what you're willing to put up with.

It boggles my mind tho that he's so sure you don't have anyone potentially waiting in the wings who would NOT put you through this uncertainty.

If my ex came back today and said that, I think I'd walk away.

It's not like I'm anxious to jump back into the dating pool, but I don't like the idea of someone thinking they can put a hold on me but with no contact, for that long of a period of time.

 

[Fleabug]

No, he knows I am in for the Long haul. We have discussed this before. We both have complicated and stressful lives. We both have big stressful things coming up that will last through summer. My situation is accepting of this in a relationship at this point in my life. It takes the stress off. We both have mental health issues as well.

 

[Friday]

Is that a hopeful thing that he said? Or a way to just let me down easy?

I don’t see it as either hopeful nor letting someone down easy. I read it pretty straight.

Does he usually say things straight, or say one thing and mean something else?

 

[Fleabug]

I would guess just vague mostly. I have never thought he wasn't trustworthy.

 

[Hojay]

Okay, I’m trying hard not to extrapolate from my own situation, but...my ex knew also that I was in for the long haul, and that meant that I put up with his antics, his needs for space, his dictating the entire relationship, including when, how, about what, for how long, and where we communicated. And I kept thinking, “well, that’s ptsd for you.” Except that it’s not.

Him knowing that I was in for the long haul basically translated to him knowing he could do whatever the hell he wanted and I’d be there. Sure, I protested and put up a fight, but really, I was nothing but a doormat in deep denial about what was actually going on: and that was him being unfit for a relationship and manipulating me in the process so I’d stick around and so he could eventually break up on his own terms, while making it all my fault.

So yeah, be careful how much you use this mental illness as an excuse for stuff you’d otherwise not put up with. Because really, if he were mentally sound, would you go through what you just went through over the last few weeks and then agree to be put on hold for another few months? I don’t think so.

 

[LovingH]

Yeah, I was with an abusive guy for a year, always rationalizing his behavior. Poor thing! He was so abused by his parents! That's why he acts like this!

Trauma is an explanation but not an excuse.

As I'm learning from this forum, not everyone with trauma, acts like this.

 

[Friday]

I would guess just vague mostly. I have never thought he wasn't trustworthy.

is this in response to my asking if he says things straight or says one thing and means another?

 

[Hojay]

Yeah, I was with an abusive guy for a year,

Yep, and the rub is that you don’t see it as abuse, you see it as being “symptomatic” (especially when they call it that themselves,) and you have so much compassion and empathy for where it comes you’re suddenly putting up with stuff you’d never imagined.

 

[Fleabug]

is this in response to my asking if he says things straight or says one thing and means another?

Yes

I have also exhibited poor behavior on my end. We both are kinda broken. If he comes back cool and if not I will have moved on. I just can't worry about it. It's not like I am gonna run out and date or anything either way. I am taking the time for me too.