General Is Healthy Two-Way Communication Possible?

[Shoka]

Hi All,

I'm wondering if it's ever possible to have a healthy two-eay conversation with one's sufferer when they are really struggling with their PTSD issues?
There are times when it's absolutely necessary to communicate, but the ability to do this completely breaks down.

How can I as a carer take care of myself if I can't communicate with my sufferer? :wall:

Today he sent me a lengthy communication and when I tried to respond to it, after choosing my words as lovingly and as gently as possible, the only response I got was something like "Everyone would be better off without me". It seems like such B.S. that he is acting with such an immature response when there are times he has such clarity.

He doesn't want me to walk around on egg shells but when I try to communicate with him all he ever reads into it is negativity. I feel like I can't win if I do and I can't win if I don't.:dontknow:

Thoughts? Advice?

Shoka

 

[TLight]

Shoka;
As a sufferer, I know that you can't take his response personally. No matter what you say or how gently you phrase things, it is not a matter of what you do or do not do..........he is suffering and he is expressing that suffering.

My advice; as a sufferer, .........just listen and reflect back to him that you understand as much as you possibly can, which isn't much, that he is hurting. The depth of that pain is unbearable for him right now.............just reflect back to him that you know he is hurting........but there is hope that his feelings will change in the future.

When we are hurting that badly.........there seems to be no hope. Just let him know that you can share as much as you can in his burden of pain..........because you care about him. Let him know he is not alone in this heavy burden.........

He might react abusively. I know I might have in the past. For when one has experienced horrors to the degree we have, we tend to feel alone in our suffering and that aloneness is almost a distorted sense of entitlement.

Just let him know he is not alone.........but be prepared for any response you may receive.
Is he in therapy?

 

[Shoka]

Dear TLight,

Thank you for your response and your insight. I have become much better at not taking things personally and also deciphering some statements that seem negative as real statements his suffering. Those two things always have to be one of my tools in coping as a carer.

Yes he is in therapy, as am I. My quandry is that there are times when it's necessary in a relationship to have a two-way conversation. Perhaps it is an issue that has surfaced, or there is a decision that must be made. Often, when this happens I'll try to wait for the best time to communicate. Sometimes I'll go to the extreme of choosing my words ultra carefully only to have the message I'm communicating be completely distorted. Often I try not to communicate an issue when he is having a rough time, and sort it out on my own.

The problem is that when two people are in a relationship, no matter what they are going through personally, challenges arise and communication is needed. One of the things we have started to do is to write each other letters about our feelings so as to have a little distance from the raw emotion of being face to face. It helps a little, I think, but not always.

He expects honesty as do I and it's hard to be honest if you're afraid that communicating something to someone will trigger them into reacting with extreme negativity or emotional aggression, or worse, push them into a further hole. Doing nothing and clamming up or walking on egg shells heightens his sense of suspicion and distrust of me and then tension builds on both sides. It seems like a no-win situation.

We will probably need another joint therapy session on this topic, it has seemed to help in the past. I'm doing the best I can, and sometimes it seems like my best is so insignificant.

Shoka

 

[Deleted member 541]

Sometimes you can't win with us. Sometimes even saying the right thing, can be the wrong thing to us.

I know that your sufferer, does not have Borderline Personality Disorder, but the book, "Stop Walking On Eggshells" May help you to better understand how to avoid getting caught up in feeling guilty/angry for his behavior. He really does need to be responsible for his behavior/actions. And he certainly does need to open up a bit, if he needs for you, to be there. Otherwise, you need to look after just you...We can be frustrating to deal with.....

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Shoka,

I find that when 2 people love and care about each other, they are often worried about the same things and feeling the same fears. You (healthily) want to approach that head on. Your loved one may feel the opposite (fear leading to avoidance).

I wouldn't worry so much that what you said is misinterpreted. Likely he has more trouble (or it takes longer) before he can find the words to respond. The real key is picking the time, and the delivery. Not everything has to be said at once.

I'm sure he values your support, but you also have to take care of yourself, and especially put yourself first and protect yourself if he is acting out. he has to be responsible for his emotions, actions and their consequences.

 

[purplejaz]

Dear Shoka...as said above we are a hard bunch to deal with...as a sufferer, I am aware that sometimes I say things that alarm or hurt those around me, but in the immediate sense, nothing makes sense to us except the never-ending pain in our head that is filled with a "round and round" conversation. In the end, we cannot make decisions or even sound rational.
I often write letters to my kids or partner as I feel I can explain better how I am feeling...the fact that your P did this is great. Sometimes we don't even want an answer except, "I hear you, I love you, I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment".
Please don't feel as though you are expected to "fix" things. Understanding, a cuddle and some space is just as wonderful during our bad times.
Good luck and take care of your own needs too....Jazzi

 

[Shoka]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I did respond with a letter, because there were things I needed to air. Initially, he defaulted to the negative, but when I saw him last night, after about an hour, he opened up and told me about what he was experiencing. So, the interpretation aspect of our communication did take longer, but I'm alright with that.

The tension seems to have eased, and I know that he and I at the very least now have a clearer understanding of where we both are.
I am going to remember to say, "I hear you, I love you, I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment".

One thing I try to be consistent with is the message that I'm not going to leave him just because he's depressed. He has had some progress while in therapy and I also continue to point out his success on a regular basis.

Thanks again,
Shoka

 

[Nicolette]

He has had some progress while in therapy and I also continue to point out his success on a regular basis.

Very encouraging news Shoka...I am pleased for both of you. Making success the focus is very important so well done to you.

 

[Laurie666]

Dear Shoka, I am new at being a carer for a partner that I love very much. I have been reading the post on these forums hoping to better understand. when things are good with us and that is most of the time, life is fantastic but when that changes our great communication goes out the window. It can be really hard and I am very glad to be able to read what other people experience and the thoughts and advise that is posted. I will keep reading and trying to learn how to best help my partner and our relationship. Good luck and thanks.

Take care,

Laurie

 

[Shoka]

More Improvement on the Communication Front

Since originally posting this thread, I am indeed pleased to report that I experienced an improvement during a difficult conversation that I had to have with my sufferer last evening.

Let me be clear and say that the improvement was that we were able to discuss a touchy issue where I needed to be able to express how I felt about something he was doing, and ask that we look for a compromise to the situation. Improvement doesn't mean perfection. It was a long drawn out event to have this conversation which left both of us completely exhausted and drained, but the improvement was in the fact that there was no yelling, or hurtful words exchanged. My sufferer did need to leave the conversation for a time, but he came back to it and by the end of the night. In the end I think we really understood where we are both at regarding the topic of discussion.

Initially I think he felt like the fact that one of his behaviors was frightening me made him feel like a real failure and as if he'd made no progress at all. I was able to re-assure him that was not the case and point to specific instances where there had been change and improvement. Because I've learned so much on this forum, I feel like I have imrpoved too. I react alot less to negative things he says because I realize now that sometimes when he receives a message it automatically has to go through a negative "filter" before he can really process the message. I listen, and wait for this process to work itself out. Last night, it did work itself out.:thumbs-up

We were able to both agree that while having these conversations feels draining, it's sometimes necessary to do in order to maintain a healthy relationship and grow together. We both know that in the weeks to come we will need to have more of these conversations and hope that it will get easier. I was able to tell him that I think having a few uncomfortable conversations is better than the days when I would walk around on egg shells if I had something to tell him and he agreed.

One step forward, two steps back still eventually means progress. Just wanted to share my hopeful experience. :smile:

Shoka

 

[TLight]

Great news Shoka!

I'm sure your efforts mean a great deal to your partner......even if he can't show it sometimes.

Speaking as a sufferer, the help of a partner like you is invaluable. Thank you.

 

[Thankful]

Hi Shoka

Your topic here really resonates with me, especially where you said, "I react alot less to negative things he says because I realize now that sometimes when he receives a message it automatically has to go through a negative "filter" before he can really process the message. I listen, and wait for this process to work itself out."

I think I'm starting to 'get it' and am working to not take things from the sufferer so personally and to wait and let him filter, as you wrote. He has patterns in his communication style that I'm becoming familiar with and this is one of them.

Thanks for putting that to pen, it helped.

Thanks also for the insight to point out successes in his (my sufferer's) life...I hadn't thought of that in such a specific manner and now will apply that; good stuff. :)

Kristin