cupfish said:
C-PTSD sufferers have so many horrible abusive memories that I don't agree it is good for us to recover those memories. There are too many. I don't want them back. I would rather have my past be blank than re-live what my mind found so damaging it blocked the event from my consciousness.
I totally agree. I have Complex PTSD of Abandonment. Keeping in mind that Complex PTSD is not a full DSM V affliction but a general subtype, the "abandonment" form seems absolutely warranted as a diagnosis. My psychiatrist thinks it is fine as a name for a type of PTSD. It sure is that way for me.
My memory is far, far too good. I have a type known as hypermnesia. From Webster: "abnormally vivid or complete memory or recall of the past". My memory is something I very much wish I could somehow erase. I have some from under one year old but the absolutely clear and very detailed first memory is having my collarbones broken by my father at age two. It is like a 3D movie and the details are very fine and accurate. From that time on within a year or so it becomes so good that I remember most of the days of my life, but not quite all. Some have been repressed by me and I have no wish to recover them at all. Not very long ago I had a short flash of a memory that was clearly something to do with very early years and to do with death, most likely mine. I thought I would make a note but got up for a couple of minutes before doing so. By the time I got back to my journal on my computer all I could remember is what I am now writing. It is repressed and for a very good reason I presume.
I wish I could just shut it all down. My childhood was not always good. I was physically and sexually abused by members of my family, father and both grandmothers. My father also abused my mother and by age sixteen the "home" I had completely disintegrated as my parents divorced. At the same time I left what remained of my home (nothing much) because at that age I could not be forcibly returned into parental custody.
The breakup of my childhood home was the first version of abandonment and it is still a strong trigger of my current PTSD. Then early this year when my ex wife informed me while I was restrained in a psychiatric ward for invalid reasons that she would not be there when I came back home the PTSD hit full force. She planned to commit what is called here "Criminal Abandonment" because I was depending on her for medical support and was not cleared to drive due to strokes.
I have spoken to the two therapists I had and have as well as the Forensic Psychiatrist I have for years now and they all are of the opinion that leaving the memories buried is the best way to proceed. I sure wish I could. With Complex PTSD it just isn't possible to deal with the triggers, there are far too many. The main response I have to the triggers is breaking into tears and it can be so bad that it can be difficult for me to just breath. It is now about 300 days since my PTSD hit full blast and I have cried nearly every single one of those 300 days. I am sick and tired of crying but I just can't make it stop. One of the problems is that nearly everything I own is a trigger. That includes the chair I am sitting in and pretty well every single thing I have including clothing from gloves to underwear, forks knives and spoons and any and all of the furniture in my apartment.
There is no way I can turn it off. I even remember pretty well every single time of the over 2000 times we had sex as well as anything else we did together anywhere and any time. It is over 44 years of memories. It makes no difference if they are good or bad, they are all triggers. I don't seem to be getting much better, maybe just a little but it sure isn't much. If I could somehow just turn off the memories I would without a second thought. I would welcome total amnesia.
