Relationship Is it his ptsd or do i need to move on?

[jenn1122]

My ex I guess is the right word to describe him has combat ptsd. We were together for 7 months. We started talking in October and things were great he sent flowers to my house and took me on thoughtful dates. Then by December he stopped working out with a busy schedule and even told me he thought he needed to start talking to someone again cause his anger feelings were starting to come back and he thought maybe having serious feelings for someone were bringing that all back. I didn't think anything of it at the time but in January we had a disagreement that wasn't even serious but he blew up and by February he wasn't sure about the relationship anymore and I told him if thats what you want I'll never beg you to be with me and his reply was he wasn't sure that's what he wanted and we moved forward. In March he did the same thing and this time we were driving in the car and my reply was the same and when we got home I just got in my car to leave but he followed me to my car so he never means it when he says it and that weekend my dog passed away so we moved forward but things were starting to be great again atleast I thought. In April he had to go out of the country with the military for a whole month. Things were fine when he left but we really had no way to communicate while he was gone because he was in the dessert and it was expensive to textend but I got a text every so many days and they were all sweet I miss you can't wait to see you type messages bu then about half way through the trip he sent me a text questioning the relationship because he had alot of time to think and said we needed to have a serious talk when he got home. I was heartbroken but tried not to think about it to much since he was gone. When he got home things were awkward cause I wasn't quiet sure what to say or how to act with what had happened. We had a conversation but I never got out of it we were done I felt he was getting frustrated with the conversation so I said I would leave thinking we'd talk again. When I left he said he'd call me but he never did and unfortunately when he got back he had to go away for a week for his other job but we texted here and there but all initiated by me. He said he would do dinner with me as soon as he got back but I've still never heard from him and that was almost 2 weeks ago. I mailed a nice letter to his house while he was gone and I'm not sure if my letter made him mad or what but he won't reply to my texts anymore I've only sent 2 in the past 2 weeks and I'm kind of at a loss here I don't know if I ruined things or what to do. I know nothing about ptsd so I'm unsure of what to do but I'm also very hurt that he won't even talk to me now. It's been a month seen I've seen him. His mother also said he didn't communicate with her for about 2 weeks when he arrived home. I just don't know if he is having episodes related to his ptsd and just being away or if I'm making excuses for him and I need to let it go. Thanks in advance!

 

[anthony]

I don't know what part you have, had, in any argument. What I can tell you is simply this -- he is responsible for his actions (yelling, explosion, behaviour) -- not you.

I am a combat veteran. I used to explode at the tiniest of things. I used to explode at partners. It has taken a long time to really get control of myself with this. I can still explode a couple times a year... but for the most part it was me who had to work on me and my behaviour. Yes, my behaviour is due to PTSD and military training and combat -- but they are causes, not excuses.

I can't tell you to stay or go with your boyfriend. All I can tell you is that if he is not working on himself, fixing himself, to better himself for YOU -- then you need to take care of you and your health first. If that means leaving his toxicity, then that is what you do. If that means you find a middle ground together, some solution, and both actively adhere to it and better the relationship, then great.

If a person in a relationship has problems, they need to work on fixing their problems. Individual problems in a relationship become the problem of both parties, as no doubt you're well aware. But the problem is that you can't fix another's problems, you can only help them to help themselves. Its like helping a drug addict. Some want to get off of drugs and have a better life for themselves. Some do not. The first will be difficult, but rewarding. The second will be life consuming, swelling you whole down a deep hole of depression and never ending excuses.

PTSD is complicated. A PTSD sufferer must work on themselves to be part of a relationship.

 

[jenn1122]

I usually don't engage in fights cause the stuff is usually petty things that aren't worth it but even his family has told me when it comes to him it's his way or the highway. Whenever him questioning the relationship has come up he usually comes back around after a few days this has just been to long and I know he has issues so I try to be understanding but anyone I talk to about it says run away but they don't get the ptsd. Is this isolating and ignoring normal or do I need to just give him space and not reach out anymore? I've always wanted to get a advice from someone who suffers from ptsd as well. I know he needs to work on himself and I'd love to help him out but I cant if he won't even talk to me which is all new since he got back at the beginning of May

 

[Deadman]

@jenn1122 Like @anthony I am a combat vet with PTSD. I suggest you read his post again. And maybe a third time. He has answered your questions even though you might not like those answers.

 

[anthony]

but even his family has told me when it comes to him it's his way or the highway

Very military. Takes a lot to unlearn this training, but it can be with time.

he usually comes back around after a few days

Very PTSD. It can take days to calm and even process something that stirs a lot of emotion / internal conflict.

I've always wanted to get a advice from someone who suffers from ptsd as well.

Well... you're going to get that here.

I'd love to help him out but I cant if he won't even talk to me which is all new

Exactly. His PTSD is uncontrolled, in essence. It will take him years, a decade even, to get it under control. Not kidding. You have to answer that question for yourself -- is this the man of your dreams that you're going to wait around that long for? AND -- is he going to actively do the work during this time to warrant a yes from you?

Lots of PTSD sufferers say they will work on themselves, but it is hard. If not harder than enduring the trauma, in actual fact. It can take people years, decades, of destructive behaviour before they choose to fix themselves.

 

[Deadman]

but it is hard. If not harder than enduring the trauma,

PTSD is harder. I've survived the trauma. I'm not sure I've survived the PTSD.

@jenn1122 think long and hard before you commit to a fight that doesnt need to be yours and may not end well. If your 'ex' gets help and comes back in a year or two you can have a chance to try again. Ultimately the choice to get help is his and his alone.