Is It Ok To Get Angry At Other People?

[Survivor2Thriver]

Intent is everything.

Spot on!

 

[Philippa]

I'm not clear what you are saying we should agree to disagree about here Philippa, could you explain?

I may have misread what you said, but it seemed as though you were saying that people who express anger are always trying to hurt someone, and I don't agree with that.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Sorry survivor2thriver, I don't understand what you mean in practical terms.

I understand that as a child you dealt with abuse by being angry at abusers. Was it ever expressed at people who weren't abusing you? And the same question for now - you see I'm not suggesting that anger shouldn't be expressed, I'm saying that it's never right (with the exception of being in physical danger), to express it by firing it at other people.

Regarding intent, what intent is there in firing angry words at others? Even if that intent is to express someones own feeling, surely there must be some awareness that expressing it in that way WILL upset and hurt others?[DOUBLEPOST=1397835278][/DOUBLEPOST]

it seemed as though you were saying that people who express anger are always trying to hurt someone, and I don't agree with that.

No, that's not something I've said.

 

[Philippa]

that somebody else should be hurt, because the angry person is hurting.

I guess I read this and thought you meant that everyone who is angry must be out to hurt someone else.

 

[Philippa]

The justification seems to be that they are annoyed or hurt by the way someone else has treated them, and that makes it ok for them to hurt others.

You also said this in your Original Post, so it gave me the impression that you think that everyone you see who gets angry is trying to hurt the other person. It's possible I got that wrong, but from your words, that's how it comes across to me.

 

[scout86]

I'm saying that it's never right (with the exception of being in physical danger), to express it by firing it at other people.

So, how would you suggest dealing with it, if you actually are angry with a person? I think we need to work at matching reactions to the situation, but, if you're angry, why NOT tell the person that you are?

For example, an ex-bf once asked to borrow some money to cover a bad check. (Long story.) We had been seeing each other on a regular basis, he gave a plan for repayment that started the following weekend. Then he promptly dropped off the radar screen. I gave him a couple of weeks. Then I tracked him down at work. (We worked for the same construction company.) I didn't resort to name calling, but I can promise that there was no way he could mistake the fact that I was angry. Would you have another, better, way in mind to deal with situations like that? For what it's worth, SOME people seem to be immune to being hurt by things like this. It's all about them and they just spin it in their own mind to make it that way. With this guy, it became quite clear that "subtle" was something he could ignore. I think you have to be aware of your audience, as well as aware of your goal, (so flying off the handle isn't a great idea).

 

[Meadowsweet]

@Philippa The last quote you've used is referring directly to people who express their anger by firing off at others, and who have expressed that they are justified in their angry outbursts because other people have hurt them.

The previous quote you've used makes more sense in its entirety. It was responding to this view:

.it's the way you do it and the language that is used that determines whether you are being abusive, rude, bullying etc..Definately yelling and screaming is unacceptable.

This seems like shaky ground to me. People can be extremely nasty, damaging and abusive based on their blame and anger, whilst not swearing or shouting. The same thinking is behind it - that somebody else should be hurt, because the angry person is hurting.

It's just saying that people expressing an angry blaming disposition in a quiet way can be equally nasty, damaging and abusive as someone shouting and screaming. People express it in different ways, but the drive behind the expression is still anger and that somebody else needs to recieve it.

 

[Philippa]

So, how would you suggest dealing with it, if you actually are angry with a person? I think we need to work at matching reactions to the situation, but, if you're angry, why NOT tell the person that you are?

Yes, as I understand it we all have a right to express ourselves, and anger is an emotion that can signal that someone is doing something to us that is not valuing us or in some way mistreating us, so it can be a way to reclaim our self-worth in a way...by saying "No, you are not allowed to do this to me". It marks a boundary that has been crossed. It's an important emotion to have, and it's even more important to express it when it comes up. We can't all be in positions where we can run off and journal somewhere...unless you resolve to carry a pad and pencil around with you everywhere you go and excuse yourself whenever you feel that anger rising.

 

[Lucycat]

I don't 'do' anger and never have. As a consequence, seeing others angry absolutely terrifies me as I cannot understand the emotion.

 

[Meadowsweet]

So, how would you suggest dealing with it, if you actually are angry with a person? I think we need to work at matching reactions to the situation, but, if you're angry, why NOT tell the person that you are?

Solara made a valid point earlier in the thread, that you can express anger by using 'I' statements, "I am angry that you haven't been keeping up with the payments. As opposed to "you piece of good for nothing shit, no wonder you're alone, you make me so effing angry, I've done everything for you and you can't even pay me back on what you owe, you don't deserve kindness. You best not miss another payment asshole!". The first is assertive, the second is aggressive.

To say 'I am angry...' is owning it and expressing it assertively. To say 'you are making me angry...' is passing on responsibility and you are more likely to lose control that way and go off into territory that is said to hurt.

 

[Philippa]

@Philippa It's just saying that people expressing an angry blaming disposition in a quiet way can be equally nasty, damaging and abusive as someone shouting and screaming. People express it in different ways, but the drive behind the expression is still anger and that somebody else needs to recieve it.

In some situations that is true, and it doesn't have to be yelling or screaming to express the anger.

I don't 'do' anger and never have. As a consequence, seeing others angry absolutely terrifies me as I cannot understand the emotion.

I used to feel this way as well, in my teens. I didn't see the point in getting angry. I later realised that I had a lot of supressed anger in me that I wasn't aware of and it needed to come out. I also learned that it has an important message and gift for me to learn. If there was no anger we wouldn't have activists channelling theirs to bring about change in the world.

 

[Pencil]

Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.

[DLMURL="http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/a/aristotle.html"] Aristotle [/DLMURL]

@Meadowsweet I've read your OP a few times now, and the more I read it the more I wonder if you are not actually simply referring to people being verbally abusive.