Is It Ok To Get Angry At Other People?

[shimmerz]

My fears of others anger is that I am being held responsible for somebody else's issues, and I feel the threat of abuse as a 'punishment'.

This is huge. This is where the fear based response comes from I think and therefore the reactionary defenses that we put up that leave others scratching their heads as we shut everything down with yelling or walking away without explanation. Healing this promotes trust that even if you 'agree to disagree' that you both care enough to at least try to understand each other. That leads to the 'misunderstood' issue that so many of us carry - which is usually a huge part of the miscommunication issues that lead to anger. One thing links to another to another to another.

This is where the 'Complex' part of PTSD rears its head. The PTSD issues are like trying to remove a vine from the walls of your house. It wraps around itself. You think you have a grip a huge piece but it is stubbornly wrapped around another piece then bam!!!! Something you thought you had dealt with comes back again. It feels like you have gotten nowhere but taking the time to look at the pile of the vines you have removed rather than focussing on what is left on the house allows you to see what you have accomplished, not what you have left to do.

 

[Meadowsweet]

This is where the fear based response comes from I think and therefore the reactionary defenses that we put up that leave others scratching their heads as we shut everything down with yelling or walking away without explanation.

I walk away, but I give an explanation. But it has never led to talking about it afterwards, so I never get to see that the angry person wasn't a threat and in this way, it reinforces the idea that if i hadn't left, it could have got a lot worse. It may be different if it was someone close, but the people who have got angry at me, have been people who don't know me personally and so don't have any investment that would make it worth them bothering to come back and talk about it.

But I don't know if the way I responsd to angry people would be ok if it was someone close. The fact that it is never resolved with strangers leaves me feeling that if I responded that way with someone close, that would just be the end of the relationship with no going back.

Which, as you say, leads me along the twisted vine of my mind, to reinforce the idea that in relationships there is a choice to accept the others anger being aimed AT me and never speak up (be abused), or speak up and lose the relationship (be rejected).

 

[shimmerz]

Which, as you say, leads me along the twisted vine of my mind, to reinforce the idea that in relationships there is a choice to accept the others anger being aimed AT me and never speak up (be abused), or speak up and lose the relationship (be rejected).

And I think that is where things broke open for me. I realized I was more triggered about being rejected than I was for being abused. Once I dealt with the rejection thing (and it wasn't easy), I was then able to decide what was abusive (anger displayed in certain ways, which is what this post started with) and was able to make choices for myself that were based on being able to see the anger as being abusive and make a conscious decision not to be blindly led into an abusive situation due to a fear based trigger. I keep reminding myself as well that just because somebody else says that they are not being abusive - well that doesn't count. It is what I feel constitutes abuse for me that counts. I also have the right to express my feelings in words. Listened to or not, that doesn't mean that I am not correct according to my definition.

I have been constantly tested on this during the past while with the largest and most painful one facing me right now with someone I love so dearly being my greatest teacher. I know that many situations recently have primed me for this as I feel that when I face an opportunity to heal just a little bit more and am able to work through the 'un-comfortableness' of that situation, something bigger comes up.

I see it as sort of like school. You have pop quizzes along the way, tests you know are coming and then exams. Same with PTSD healing. Except the tests and exams are like the pop quizzes. You never know when they are coming but they are still tests to see whether you are ready for the next grade. ;)

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Eventually I did crack it though, so yeah, I was doing well for a while,

Why did you get angry?

 

[ghotiff]

I too struggle with anger. I have never been an angry person (not a saint, just very infrequently feel or express anger). My ex-T was trying to get me to be angry at eg my mother and her role in not protecting me from my childhood abuse. Well it worked, I am now angry (not livid, but annoyed) and I don't see how its helping anything. She can't change what she did, she doesn't even understand what she did...and I don't see the value and don't need any more secondary wounding by trying (but ultimately failing) to get her to see.

But....my anger the other night was taken out on my husband. He made a reasonable request of me (but due to my current level of problems I couldn't oblige, and I tried to explain but he couldn't understand why) ...so I yelled...just one line about how I was feeling (no hurtful statements towards him) and then I slammed the door and walked away to calm myself down. My kids saw this and I am so grateful that my husband explained to our kids that I was dealing with something that happened before I met my husband, and before our kids were born, so that it had nothing to do with him or our kids.

I really regret this momentary loss of control. its not who I am. And, to use the wonderful 'cold' analogy from above, my husband and kids were definitely the innocent bystanders in all of this.

I'm not so sure what the point of this story is....I think I'm trying to link this whole discussion in this "Is it okay to be angry" thread to my ex-T's approach which was for me to discover my anger...I've discovered it, but its not doing me or my family any favours.

Thoughts anyone? I really value the all different views that get posted in this forum, they help me a lot.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

My ex-T was trying to get me to be angry at eg my mother and her role in not protecting me from my childhood abuse. Well it worked, I am now angry (not livid, but annoyed) and I don't see how its helping anything. She can't change what she did, she doesn't even understand what she did...and I don't see the value and don't need any more secondary wounding by trying (but ultimately failing) to get her to see.

I had a T try the same thing. I found a new one. I suspect sadness is the cause for anger.


Thank you for sharing Ghotiff! We are all human...

Sounds like you have a caring husband and your children are learning the art of not taking things personally. That's a good day. Don't be hard on yourself. :)

 

[Pencil]

I suspect sadness is the cause for anger.

@Survivor2Thriver That has been my experience. As you said earlier = sadness / grief and fear.

 

[ghotiff]

I suspect sadness is the cause for anger

Thanks very much for your kind post @Survivor2Thriver. Your comment about sadness particularly resonated. I have always been aware of the 'fear' aspect to my emotions. But I'm now starting to think that with respect to my mother (and all the others who knew but did nothing to protect me) that sadness is a very relevant emotion.

The longer I am away from my ex-T, the more clear I become that her approach was wrong for me and seeing her has done me a lot of damage.

 

[Pencil]

.

her approach was wrong for me and seeing her has done me a lot of damage

@ghotiff would you care to elaborate? I've had similar experiences.

 

[ghotiff]

Hi @Pencil I would love to share experiences so I started a new thread "What Went Wrong In Therapy - Trying To Work It Out" as not not de-rail this thread.

 

[shimmerz]

My ex-T was trying to get me to be angry at eg my mother and her role in not protecting me from my childhood abuse.

My belief is that any therapist who tries to get us 'angry' rather than to a point of understanding of the dynamics that have led to our having survived a dysfunctional household and how that affects us now is dysfunctional in itself. Yes, your mother may have played a role in not protecting you, and so did my father. I love my father (although he died 30 years ago). A therapist tried to have me be angry at him for not protecting me and I challenged her on it. I choose not to be angry about it. I know he was human just like all of us. I prefer to come to a place of understanding and then process how that affected me and let it go. At the end of all of this I don't want to be spreading anger to others. It just keeps the cycle going.

But....my anger the other night was taken out on my husband.

Of course it was @ghotiff. Your mother doesn't understand, the T planted the seed of anger inside of you and now what do you do with it? Human nature dictates we take it out on those that we are safe in expressing it with. Sounds like your husband did a great job in damage control. He sounds like a keeper :). Your therapist on the other hand - maybe not so much. Sounds like you left her. Good for you!

 

[Philippa]

Why did you get angry?

It just turned into this ridiculous debate where everyone started voting that they didn't want a vent thread...that it was akin to being a "toilet" for negativity...and because they were all so "positive" and spiritual, they felt that it would bring their vibe down.

I said that no one had to enter the thread unless they wanted to...deposit some crap of their own. Venting isn't there for everyone to watch...it's there for the person to get out of themselves, for THEIR own benefit. They didn't get it.

One woman postulated that why can't I get a diary and write my vents in it...and that was something I have done for years. At that time though, I found that it had lost it's charge for me, and I was getting more of a charge by venting online...so I did. I go with whatever works, regardless of whether I once thought it was unnecessary or not.

They also would not let it go...even after I had already said that I would never vent again there because of the reaction it had received. One woman I didn't know then came on and said something that pissed me off, and I lashed out at her...and then I was held accountable for that, which was fair enough. It just didn't stop though, and eventually they voted me out and I was formally asked to leave, which I happily did and never returned, not even to lurk.

I felt that I had been pushed into a corner over a stupid thing like venting. They could not seem to get that by just venting I was already helping myself. It turned into a 40 page thread, and many people expressed how ridiculous it was and didn't get involved, but the main people who were insistent on debating the "issue", would not let up.

I felt ganged up on and I think it just triggered me. I wasn't in the best place back then either. None of these people had PTSD, and they didn't get how much I needed to vent or what it was like...and didn't care much either. They were all there to 'grow as people'. I was on the wrong forum, but I had friends there that I enjoyed interacting with, so mainly stayed for them up until then...but even they started turning against me. One of them later apologized and realised that he hadn't seen it from all angles.